Abusive mother, need advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2007
Abusive mother, need advice please!
5
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 7:45am

My relationship with my boyfriend was getting serious so we decided to introduced our families for them to meet and me and my mother (my father passed away a few years ago) spent Christmas at my boyfriend's family home. My mother did something that irritated me a lot, something she used to do when I was a teenager and stil does now I'm 29 years old! I have a very disfunctional family and did they many awfull things to each other throughout the years, that's why I'm not on speaking terms with many members of the family because they're really mean people.

But what my mother did at my boyfriend's family home was telling these stories to everyone! To my boyfriend's mother, to his grandmother, uncle, etc. She didn't even ask me if I want them to know that or tought that I might not like it, she thinks because she's my mother, she has the right (and the duty) to explain what she wants to people.

I didn't like that at all at I know that some people felt uncomfortable as well because she was nor respecting my and others boundaries. My boyfriend didn't like it as well.

Now after some months, we had another get together and she did that again. I just don't want this! I don't want everyone on my boyfriend's family to know all about my life and details like I don't know about them! I don't want to be defined by these stories because I'm a VERY different person now and I don't care about my family members, I care about my present and my future, but my mother still lives that in the present and she decides what to talk about me and her to other people.

I had a conversation (or tried to have one) with my mother explaining I don't like that, it's a lack of respect to me because she didn't even ask me if I mind she speaking about those things. Of course she didn't understand me and even said that she doesn't see any problem.

I don't like this, she's abusive and this together with other stuff she did makes me and my boyfriend (well, now fiancé) not wanting more get togethers with my mother and his family. I even overheard my mother badmouthing me to my boyfriend's aunt. This means she's gonna spend Christmas alone. She even said that she wants to continue going to my boyfriend's family home because she has already her place there and going there doesn't have nothing to do with me and my boyfriend now!

Well, I just want your opinion about what my mother did, telling everyone about our family issues, am I overreacting or is this a real lack of respect to me? Please give me a honest opinion, I'm too involved and need an external point of view. Thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 7:51am
I don't know what kind of stories she is telling but if it upsets you this much and you have repeatedly asked her to stop then she knows better, end of story. You tried to explain it to her and she either didn't get it or pretended not to. The only solution I see here is to no longer mix her with his family. I know that's tough and it might be awkward at times but I think it's the only way you can spare yourself the grief. If you do that she may smarten up and realize that you are dead serious.If that happens I don't know if you would be willing to trust her in the future and re-integrate her. I guess you will have to see when and if the time comes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2007
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 9:20am

Thank you for your response. She told them quite intimate stories that happened in our family. My mother has a huge ressentment towards our family members and she pretty much lives that everyday while I moved on many years ago and that belongs to the past and I don't give a damn neither I feel I have to give explanations to others, especially when they didn't ask me anything! But to my mother she feels she needs to explain things not only about her life but about mine as well.

And this becomes even more abusive when she badmouths my father. They divorced 5 years before he passed away and often she badmouths him, one time she did it in front of my boyfriend's mother who even told me afterwards that she shouldn't do that because it is my father and he passed away already and that can hurt me (and it does hurt). It seems there's no limits for her, she only cares about her and doesn't care how what she says or does affects others and specially to her only daughter! I'm sick of it. I'm gonna stop with the family gatherings and or either she realizes what she does and stops, or she doesn't get involved again.




Edited 8/9/2010 9:23 am ET by goodcareer
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 9:33am
If that were my mother, she would never get to see my boyfriend's family again. And that includes the wedding. You gave her more than enough chances to do the right thing and she chose not to. She obviously doesn't care about your feelings or your standing with your bf and his family. Suppose she told a story that prompted your bf to end the relationship? Did she ever think of that? Probably not.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 2:58pm

I agree with the others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 7:52am

I have some family members like this, who embarrass me and disregard me, but as I've gotten older I've gotten past anger and come to see it from a bit of distance. Now I realize that it's not really directed *at* me after all.

Photobucket