Accused of Being Judgmental About Friend's Lesbian Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Accused of Being Judgmental About Friend's Lesbian Affair
12
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 2:22pm

I have a friend that I have known for 15 years and recently she shared a secret with me that she asked me not to tell anyone else  and asked me not to judge her.

She told me she had become involved in a lesbian affair. Naturally I was shocked, my friend has been married for 18 years and has three kids. Yes I knew they had marital problems for years and that he is a serial cheater and that she was not sexually satisfied since before she even married him and had only married him because she got pregnant. She had told me when she met this woman, she was a client who had came into her salon for a massage. She said she had felt uncomfortable with this woman because the woman was a lesbian and that she had told her husband about the woman and had called him to the salon when the woman had came in for her next appt to show this woman she was married and unavailable.

I asked her if the woman had came on to her and she said no, that she was probably just homophobic and that the woman had become a good client, tipped really well and even helped her clean the salon and close up after hours. She started hanging out with this woman like she would with any other girlfriend, or rather that was the story she told me.

She told me that her husband had put a tracking device on her car and had tracked her car to the woman’s home. She was just getting back from dinner  with the woman and had left her car over the woman’s because they rode in the woman’s car together.

Her husband dragged her from the woman’s car by the hair called her a lying bitch, dike and a whore. She said she had lied to him about where she was and who she was with because she knew he was insecure about their friendship because his brother’s wife had left him for another woman. All this summer he had her on lock down she could only go to the salon and home. He checked her email and phone and constantly accused her of being unfaithful.

So naturally from her version of the story I thought her husband was way out of line and I told her that she was in an abusive relationship and that she needed to separate from him. I told her that it was possible for a lesbian and a straight woman to be friends and that I had several lesbian friends when I was in college and that once it was understood that I was straight and nothing was ever going to happen we were just like my other girlfriends.

Then I find out she had left out the part about her husband choking the truth out of her about her relationship with the woman and that she was drawn to this woman from the beginning and can‘t stay away from her and has been having sex with her in the salon after hours. She says this woman is everything her husband is not, i.e. kind, gentle, considerate and fulfills her sexual needs.

My problem is… I’m totally disgusted by the whole thing and can hardly look at her any more, let lone talk to her. She went into detail about their affair and it made me sick. I know I told her I would not judge her, but she lied to me and is committing adultery. I have been ignoring her calls and text messages because I am sooo pissed with her. If she had been honest with me I never would have encouraged her relationship with that woman, plus she is acting like I am partially responsible because I told her she was a grown woman and capable of deciding who she could or could not be friends with. To me friends is not the same as lovers and if she had told me she was attracted to this woman I would have told her to stay clear of this woman.  She text me saying…I never thought you would be so judgmental and closed minded and says she is hurt and that I have abandoned her when she needs me most.  But I just don’t know how I can support a person who lies to me and tries to blames me for their adultery.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for taking the time to read it.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Re: Accused of Being Judgmental About Friend's Lesbian Affair
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 4:36pm

<I am angry because she omitted information from me and then trys to put blame on me because she got involved with this woman. I am involved because she involved me, we have both confided in each other over the pass 15 years about problems in our marriage. I am against adultry period, whether it be with the same sex or opposite. I just feel that when you go to a friend for advice that you owe it to them to be honest about the facts surrounding the situation and that people need to own their own behavior and not try to place blame on someone else.>

this is exactly what you need to tell her, except change "involved with this woman" to "involved with someone she's not married to".

If you two have been discussing marriage problems for 15 years then she must know that you disapprove of adultery and that it would be very hard for you to not judge her on that. Regardless, its not your fault. She's an adult and made her own choice to have an affair. 

I would also be upset if my good friend lied to me in the details of what turned out to be an important event in her life, especially when she wanted my support. It would make me wonder if this is the first lie or if there have been lies all along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

The abuse in the relationship started when he found out she was having the affair. Prior to that time he had never touched her physically. Which I don't condone, but because she cheated and lied she believes she deserves the abuse. I don't believe she was right to lie to me because if she had been honest with me, my advice would have been completely different. I have always told her that affairs are never the answer and if you are that miserable you should leave. When I lerarned she was sneaking and meeting with an old boyfriend, I told her she was playing a dangerous game, she claimed they weren't sleeping together, but she has since confessed that she had slept with him and also her old boss, who is married as well. I thought I knew her, but as it turns out I never really did.  At the rate she is going she is going to get herself killed and possibly me too because I encourgaged her friendship with this woman, (not having all the facts). She has even used me without my knowledge as a cover story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
I'd feel more repulsed by looking at him than her.

Just sayin'....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I don't keep friends who lie to me...who choose to live such dramatic lives...to top it off, try to drag me into it with them.  No thanks.  No way.  It has nothing to do with the fact that the person she's cheating on her husband is a woman...it has to do with the woman's character which SUCKS!  Life isn't long enough to call people like this a friend.  I'd dump her so fast and let her deal with her potentially murderous husband and the mess she created completely without your involvement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

She did say she is seeing a therapist for her depression and I have decided to take a time out to decide if we can still be friends. I know this is a difficult time for her and that she really needs me to support her, but I don't think I can do that just yet.

Thanks for the input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

It's nice to hear that someone else has experienced this. I'm just having alot of problems believing this is even real. I've know her 15 years, and I never felt in anyway she was attracted to woman. She always felt uncomfortable around gays and was always making anti gay comments and now this. I just don't know what to think or what i'm feeling about this whole situation.