ADVICE PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
ADVICE PLEASE
6
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 12:15pm
hi everyone my name is mary ...im new to this message board i joined because lately i was having some problems and i need some advice

well it all starts off 3 years ago when i introduced my daughter (who is a very smart and intelligent young lady) to a young man. i raised my daughter to feel comfortable around me. she always came to me when she was having problems or not. we are best friends. she was 16 at the time and still in high school with a very good academic record and she pursued an education with something in the medical field namely she wanted to become a nurse practioner. the guy i introduced her to was 23 at the time. he came from a very rescetable family and he also persued the same career choice as my daughter.

i thought he would be perfect for my daughter despite the age differnce. he has positive goals in life and leads a very respectable life. i got to know the family very well and as time passed i thought my daughter should meet him. it started off first when he was more like a role model to her but as time passed the two of them started liking each other. becuase of my wishes i only allowed her to speak to him on the phone and he may come over to our house only when me or my husband is home. the two of them respected my wishes and never disobeyed me.

they have talked about a future together after she finishes school. she has spoken to me and husband. like every parent i want the best for my child. presently my daughter is in college she is 19 and her boyfriend is 26. he is now finished with college and is a nurse practioner. he has intentions of one day marrying my daughter and starting a family. they havent done anything wrong that i could say my trust is broken becuase i know both of their intentions.

with my conversations that i have with my daughter she tells me that he respects and loves her a lot. he also respects me and my family and he gets along very well. he is almost like a son that would help us without hesitation.

recently, when he came over to my house for dinner he broght up the topic of an engagement. obviously he spoke to my daughter about it because she told me before he did. that night he spoke to me and my husband ........his main reason for wanting an engagement was to let people know his intentions. beacuse many people in my family love to gossip and say many things about my daughter and him like (ooo he doesn;t like her/ she doenst like him.......it would lead no where....y waste time with one guy/girl) that kind of drama. the other reason was to let me and my husband be more secure with his relationship wiht my daughter like making a promise that he will always love her. and last but not least secure the reationship with my daughter. she has been taking the things to heart what were being negetaviely said about the two of them.

above all he promised that he wouldnt want to marry my daughter without her finishing school because he knows how much of an issue that is with me and my husband. he also knows the value of an education becuase he grew up in a home where all of his siblings have quallifed jobs and his parents stress the importance of an education like i do. i already know that she has intentions of marrying him and she told me that she wants to and has to finish college and begin her career before marriage to him.

i know both of thier intentions and i even spoke to his parents for reassurance i would just like to know what you guys think....do u think an engagemnt would be positive in this situtaion? i trust my daughter and her boyfriend..........its just that my family have been putting many negative ideas in my head about him and her ......im starting to think it was a bad idea what should i do......please give some advice .........thank you to those who have replied

Mary

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: mary2295
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 1:47pm
Mary,

It sounds like you have an awesome daughter and one day son in law who respects you and your family.

I personally, think that long engagements are hard because it is too easy to talk yourself into having sex. The excuse it that "we're going to get married anyways". I also think that people change over time and it is hard when you are young to stay connected to people. That is why most of us don't hang out with our friends from high school.

But...it seesm that your daughter and this man have already made the promise of marriage to each other and have proven their selves. I see that the man would want people to know of his intentions and that he is not going to go anywhere.

If I were you, I would bless their engagement. I would also talk to them (with his family too) that they should have the right to break off the engagement in the coming years if they no longer want to be married.

You are a truly blessed lady. It is so refreshing to hear a story like your on these boards. Most of the time, we deal with the disrepect that parents get and the horrible choices that are being made by the young adults. But you are blessed.

We hope to have you around, bopth to update us on the relationship and also to offer advice to other that post here.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: mary2295
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 1:04pm
I do not understand why anyone would speak negatively about your daughter or possible son-in-law. If there is more to their situation, follow up with another post. It sounds like everyone in this family is very mature, and acting responsibly. You cannot stop people from gossiping, they do not know the situation as well as you do, so their opinion is of lesser importance. Above all, do not let gossip interfere with your daughter's future happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: mary2295
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:57am
Yes. Unfortunately there are many people in this world who will manage to find something negative out of things that other people find positive. They manage to find something wrong with every situation. Don't listen to the gossip. Just change the subject. Pretend you haven't heard! Your daughter and this man sound like they are mature enough to make up their own minds and I imagine that if down the road they decide that they are not meant for each other, they will handle that situation in a mature way too.
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mary2295
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:36am
Mary~

If I were in your shoes I owuld give my full blessigs on this engaement. If they seem happy to you and are going along well together there should not be any reason not to trust them. I feel that if you don't give the blessing and all works out then they could say well you didn't even want us to be married or such. So go ahead and give and enjoy the moments you have. No one knows what the future willbring we just have to have faith and hope that all will work out in the end for the best. I believe we all should live in the moment and let tomorrow take care of itsself.

I also wanted to say welcome to the board. I am glad you found us. Please feel free to post as much as your time allows. We have a great group of people here and would love tohave you among us. Again welcome and please let us know what you decide to do. Until then~~~Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: mary2295
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 3:58am
Well, I really don't have anything to say about your present situation because both of them are old enough NOW to do what they like. I would be supportive and bless whatever decision they make either way, and keep my nose out of it.

What I feel compelled to respond to is the fact that you got these two together in the first place. For several very important reasons.

1) At those two particular ages, people are in completely different life stages. While your daughter was worried about dances and makeup and social studies, her boyfriend was worried about balancing a job and college and career choices. A relationship like this threw both of them into completely inappropriate worlds for their OWN ages. Another thing, as someone else mentioned, is that people change a lot during these years and they might not turn out to be compatible. As people get older, a 7 year gap is less important, because people have experienced more, have more concrete goals, and kind of level off in maturity. But how could you think this was ok for your daughter at the age of SIXTEEN??

2) I'm not trying to trash this couple's individual or collective integrity, but if they have been involved for 3 years now, they have probably either come close or actually had sex and your daughter, even your best friend daughter, would not have found it necessary to tell you. (For that matter where were you as this child's MOTHER while you were being her friend?) Depending on when, and how old they each were while this was happening, as well as your state's laws for the age of consent and the line between minors and adults, you may have gotten the ball rolling to condone statutory rape, which would have damaged both of their reputations if anyone had found out at the time.

3) Regarding this particular guy's character, I suppose you have been very fortunate. The truth is, God only knows what kind of guy this may have been. I think it says something, and not a very nice something, about any man 23 years old who is interested in high school students, and I don't care how mature the girls are or how much they have in common. This guy hasn't shown any indication but the highest intentions of a life with your daughter. But it very easily could have turned out differently. Away at school, he could have been dating any number of girls behind all of your backs, bringing home God-knows-what to share with your daughter, or saying God-knows-what to stay in good graces with anyone back home. He also could have used her innocence to manipulate her into any number of things including things that are dangerous. You mention that you met this guy first and found out about his family and found him suitable. Well, this sounds like it was largely based on his academics, his future goals, and his family's reputation, all of which can be misleading. I personally know a lot of people who came from very upstanding families and turned out worthless. I also know people who came from worthless families and made excellent lives for themselves. I know people who are extremely smart and ambitious who USE those things against people in their lives.

I'm not aiming any of this at anyone but YOU. Both these guys seem like very good people and maybe none of this has really happened. If you believe what they say, and they are trustworthy people, then by all means, don't take my word over theirs. But what I am saying is that this could have turned out disastrous and even dangerous for your daughter and him too. Face it. You took a crap shoot and bet your daughter. And you happened to win. But shame on you anyway.

----------------------End of post, beginning of signature-------------------- Struggle will be inevitable,
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
In reply to: mary2295
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 10:11am
I agree 100% with everything "musicimprovedme" had to say on this one! Especially the last part, because I agree it seems crazy to hook up your DD w/ such an older guy when she is that young! And while its great that it worked out so good it seems to me the odds were not good for that to work out! I do wish them the best of luck tho! Rhiannon