Am I being selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Am I being selfish?
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 8:28pm
Or is my MIL?

My husband and I have a daughter who will be turning 3 in sept. Her birthday is planned for Sept.6. She will be starting preschool for the very first time being away from me, as I am a stay at home mom. I feel I need my husband's support for me and daughter(Angie) for being a birthday and the biggy - starting school. She's very nervous and gets tearful when I mention she is to start Montessori School.

NOW,,,my mil wants my husband to miss all this to accompany her to Vancouver (3 hrs away) to stay in a hotel room with her to support HER while she waits for her husband (FIL) to get prostate surgery. The FIL is also my husband's dad. FIL never asked for my husband to be there. MIL is a huge HUGE drama queen. She already has ONE son there to help support her on the drive home from the hospital (yes, she can drive and just bought her own $30 000 car, so that's not a problem).

So these 2 things fall on the some week. Should he go listen to her whine about not being able to have sex for 2 yrs because of the operation or should he stay with his FAMILY?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 9:51pm
Neither of you are being selfish - both want the same thing (your DH with them for support) and both for very good reason. It's a tough situation.

I would recommend some kind of compromise, such as rescheduling the birthday party to a date when DH can be present. As for the starting school, there may be no way around this one. But really, as long as one of you is present, your DD will fare just fine. DH can be there for many other important days. (realize that there will be MANY important days over the next 18 years, and it's unrealistic to expect both of you to be there for every single one - trust me.)

Also, you say both of these events occur in the same week - but will he have to be gone for the entire WEEK? Maybe he can split the Mom-support duty with the other brother, so DH can be with his parents part of the week, and be home for the school thing and/or birthday party?

I can understand why FIL hasn't asked for support, - he's a man, after all. And this kind of surgery isn't the kind a man is likely to brag about, such as heart bypass surgery. He's likely embarrassed somewhat, so will downplay the importance of it. But might appreciate having his son there to support his wife, so he doesn't have to worry about her welfare while he's under the knife.

I'd also like to address your last two comments, about not having sex for 2 years, and whether or not he should stay with "family." Well, as a married woman, you know the importance of sex in a relationship. Please be sympathetic on this issue with your MIL and FIL - it could be more important to them than you realize. And they are his *family*, too.

You will win more points with your DH and your in-laws if you don't compete for your DH's attention during this time - rather, find a compromise and be supportive as well.

And last, what does your DH want to do? You only stated what you want, and what your MIL wants - but nothing about his desires. Have you talked to him about this?

I don't mean for my response to sound harsh - not intended to be that way. I truly hope you can find a way for your DH to be present for both events - he is needed for both. But only you and DH can decide what's best for the entire family, including his parents. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide. And please, post back and let us know what happens.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 11:05pm
Mancha: is the prostrate surgery for cancer?? If so, that's a huge deal. I'm sure the MIL needs some support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 10:24am
If it was your father would you be looking at this surgery so nonchalantly or would you want to be at your families side to support them and to make sure your dad is ok?

I am not trying to be harsh about it but just put yourself in your husbands shoes. Although your daughters first day at school is important, his father is going through major surgery and your DH just has to be a little nervous about this. Your daughters birthday should be rescheduled for a better time for the family. Would you schedule your daughters birthday at a time when one of your parents is scheduled for major surgery?

Just try to put yourself in his place. Yes, you are the number one family but that does not mean the family that raised him is not important to him as well and this is one of those priority situations. Birthday/First day of pre-school, Major Surgery on an older person who is your parent and is probably scared out of their mind and needs his kids by his side. I think the second takes top priority.

Again , I am just trying to give you a different point of view.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 1:36pm
I agree with the other girls that it is important for your husband to be there with his mom and dad when his dad has surgery. It's not like he has an ingrown toenail or something, you know? This is prostate surgery. If either of my parents had to have a major surgery, I would want to be there. I'm sure most people would.

You can definitely reschedule the birthday party and your child will be fine starting school. Some kids have a hard time and some take to it no problem. Either way, she will take her cues from you. If you see it as a good thing, she will be more comfortable with it. And starting school is a good thing. It's exciting, it's fun, she will get to meet all those new kids and make new friends, etc. And Mommy will be there as soon as she gets done.