Am I being silly about my step daughter and money?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Am I being silly about my step daughter and money?
25
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 12:16pm

My step daughter (29) and her bf (30).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004

am I being the totally evil step-mother by dictating what they can do with the money?

Sorry to say, but yes. If you gift them the money, you have no say in how the money is spent. That's why it's called a "gift".

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

I totally understand how you feel because I've watched my dd spend money on what I consider frivolous things while she doesn't repay loans or says she can't afford things she needs. Your dh could "suggest" how you would like your wedding gift money spent but there's no guarantee that they will honor the wishes. You should let him do the talking to avoid the evil stepmother part. If you want it spent on something particular then you should give them that item or make that payment for them.

Are you still babysitting for free? Maybe her dad should tell her how you two as a couple feel about how you would like them to realize that savings. Normally I think that we should stay out of our adult kids' business but when they are taking money from us (or a free service that saves them money) then we are justified in stating an opinion about their money management. Even then they don't have to take your advice or honor your preference... and you have to decide whether you like helping them more than you hate seeing your contribution mis-spent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

You can't tell them what to do with their gift money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

Why not gift them something other than money.

When my DH and I bought our first house, my parents housewarming gift was to help install ceiling fans.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001

"It's way too late in the game (they are in their 30s now) to be hitting up the parents."

I don't plan on my parents paying for my wedding as I'm estranged anyway.

Liz


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

You sound perfectly sane to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

"Just because one is older doesn't mean that she should be given less necessarily in my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011

Your daughter is how old? And you're still giving her money for everyday expenses? You guys created a monster and I don't think she'll start being smart with money when you give her the gift. All you can do is hope she'll do the right thing, but it's a long shot. I also think you'll look like a meddling stepmom if you try to dictate where she spends the money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002

Wow, so many things came into my head when I read your post....I grew up with a stepmother...and it sounds to me that you are quite a nice one...even tho so many things seem to be crashing in on you all at once causing just a bit of resentment, and I don't blame you. However, like everyone else said, if you give cash, you can't say what it must be used for.

When my sisters got married (3 of them) my parents could not afford to pay for the wedding, but they did get generous cash gifts. I didn't have a wedding, DH and I eloped. I didn't even get a card. And prevvy to that, when I was still a single mom and struggling (p.s. my dad had no problem at all we me having a child alone) he never helped me one bit but when little sis got married (I was her maid of honor) right in front of me he gave her $3000 in cash! I was so hurt.

Be kind. Let go of resentment. And don't do more than you can afford.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I would have been hurt, too. Sounds kind of like how my family works. Only I've been pushed so far this time there won't be any turning back.

 

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