Am I Over Reacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Am I Over Reacting?
14
Fri, 02-01-2013 - 2:45am

I struck up a friendship with this woman I had met 4 months ago, we had a lot in common and started hanging out a lot and it was great to know someone else who had retired early and could do things during the day. I told her off a few nights because I felt she insulted me and was being ignorant.

We had gone to the reading of a play and afterwards they were having wine and cheese and a discussion of the play. She wanted to stay and I didn’t because it was 10:00pm on a school night and I had to be up early to make sure my son got up and made his bus. I had suggested she drive her own car and met me there; because she is frequently late and likes to stay places longer than I want to stay but she chose to ride with me.

On the drive home she said how old did you say your son was? And I replied he is 16 and she said shouldn’t he be getting his own self off to school at that age? I told her that my son has ADD and loses track of time. I have to make sure he gets up and gets ready on time so he does not miss his bus because then I would have make a 45 min drive to his school and 45 min back home, 90 min total. I said it has happened more than once and it is easier on me just to get up and get him on his way.

That should have been the end of it. But she went on to say is that ADD something you gave him? I said what do you mean is that something I gave him? Then she went on to say people are always labeling their children and giving them disabilities they don’t have.

This really angered me because the last thing that most parents ever want is for their child to have any kind of disability. It is a very difficult thing to go through, especially trying to get your child properly educated. But what pissed me off even more was when she said she knows of people who label their children to get a SSI check.

That sent me into orbit and I told her if I was going to give my child something it would not be ADD and that was a very ignorant statement and a few other choice words.

This is a very touchy subject for me because I spent 7 years fighting with the public school system to educate him according to his educational plan, I paid thousand of dollars in legal fees, consultant fees, tutoring and for private school; plus he does not receive a SSI check.

I have been ignoring her calls and debating if I want to continue the friendship. My sister thinks that because this is a touchy subject for me I may have over reacted and that I should not be so quick to end a friendship over something like that. Is my sister right, am I making too much of

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 4:12pm
So glad to hear! Serenity CL Making A Second Marriage Work
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 12:20am

  My friend and I are back on speaking terms and she realizes she stepped over a line with me. I think we can go on to be good friends as long as she respects my boundries where my child is concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 10:49pm

I think that you might be a little sesitive about the topic, which is understandable. Who diagnosed your kid with this little disability?

I guess the topic has been discused with her for two times. Hope she leaves it that way and don´t talk about it anymore. But if she does. Be prepared with  an assertive response that will set a limit to her.

Like "You have taken out this topic for two times now and as you might understand it is a sensitive topic for me. I thought you wouldn´t mention it again ,but as you doing it . I ask you to respect my decitions about my kids education, regardless of what you think. Being said that, I guess we can continue with our friendship if it is clear for you that this is the end of the subject"

I know it is hard to be that staigh, but it feels great when we get the courage to do it.

I´m sure she will understand and will know that eventhough you are friends. there are some limits in your friendship.

 

You can be yourself of what to say. I´m just giving and idea. We all have our personal style, but take this as an opportunity to learn and grow.

You might be surprissed and this might contiue as a  great friendship.

((HUGGS)))

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 12:09pm

Just checking back.  Glad to see you got several replies.

Like I mentioned earlier, I struggled with my DS who is now 24.  Had him evaluated by the school districts Psy. and essentially, he was the best of the worst, and the worst of the best. (had him in and out of counseling from the age of 5 to 15 and he was on prozac for a few years) He fell in a gap where the school district couldnt help me.  I know that feeling when people insuate that it is poor parenting.  In all fairness, there are things I could have done differently.  But I now recall a meeting with the new principle at his grade school and her tone was quite offensive.

I think it is wonderful that you found a way to get him a good education.  So sad to hear that kids are picking on him. 

For what it is worth, my DS did not graduate, even with trying some of their alternatives, BUT, he did go onto get a good job with benefits, vacation, etc.  There is hope!

Anyways, I could go on and on about my DS.  I still stand by my original post regarding visiting with your friend before making a decision regarding your friendship.  Being an ex-cop has surely biased her perspective. 

Hang in there...

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Mon, 02-04-2013 - 4:14pm

Someone who doesn't have a child with special needs or circumstances or know of someone who does really has no clue what a parent who does has to go through.

As a grandparent of a severely autistic grandchild, I have had to school various people what that means. With my granddaughter it is pretty obvious and can't be denied. So many people do not understand that ADD is real and parents had to go through for so many years without any help.

I might give her the benefit of the doubt, some education on the subject and then go from there.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 12:19pm

Oh, ok.  You are labeling him by saying he has either ADD or ADHD???  That is a diagnosis, not a label, do you think?  What are you sapose to say then if she thinks that is a label?  Hmmm .... Maybe she needs to read more on the subject before she blurts out what she has already said.  What do you think?

I sent you a message Smile

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 11:45am
No it was my friend who said I was labeling him not the bus aide.
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 12:59am

The bus aide said you labeled your son by saying ADHD?  Are you kidding?  Or did I misunderstand?

I can sooooo relate to all the bus cenarios (sp?).  I grew up hearing the word, "retard" towards my older brother, who has ADHD.  Now, I have my son whom has it and I struggle with bus issues as well.

You mentioned you would hear my experience.  I will private message you on here.

Take care!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sat, 02-02-2013 - 7:42pm

I would be very interested in hearing your story, I am in the process of getting registered to train to be an parent advocate. The more stories I hear the more determined I become to help suffering parents; who have to hear teacher's say your kid is not paying attention, they know it they are just not trying and seeing their child making failing grades when they know their kid is smart. In my 7 year battle I have learned alot and want to help other parents get their kids the help they need without having to go in debt like I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sat, 02-02-2013 - 7:31pm

I think I was really offended with the part about did I give my son ADD and the remark about the SSI and labeling. Even though she has not known me a long time I would think in the 4 months we have know each other that she have gotten to know something about my character and me as a person.

I am sensitive about my son because I get so tried of people's ignorance about the disorder and special education and thinking he is dumb or stupid because I have him in a private school for children with learning disabilities. The public school bus picks him up at home and transports him to the private school and sometimes when other kids are walking by when he gets on the bus they laugh and say he rides the short bus or the retard bus. We even asked the  the aide not to get off the bus because it embarassed him when she got off the bus and waited by the bus for him to get on. Also when she talked about me labeling him, it really pissed me off because I didn't label him, the doctor's diagnosed him and they gave him the label that I needed to get my son the proper classroom setting and school in which he could be educated.  

I have been to hell and back dealing with ignorant people, teachers and administrators and I guess I was not in any mood to deal with it from someone I called a friend. I think because she is an ex police officer and has seen the worse in people that she has come to think the worse of people. I think eventually I will talk to her and tell her how I feel but I have to calm down 1st.

 

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