Am I wrong for asking for time to process my feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Am I wrong for asking for time to process my feelings?
8
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 4:19pm

Long story short, I haven't had a real conversation with my mother in 3 yrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thx to everyone for ur responses. I was just trying to not impose my feelings on the kids but I think it's best I cut all ties right now until I am strong enought to handle it. She has already pissed off my oldest daughter who is in a residential treatment center with mental disabilities and we had to stop that communication until further notice, and then she had nerve to call the treatment center and ask for an update like she has any right to do so. She thinks she has legal rights to my kids. I dont think so. She always tries to go around me when she doesn't get her way or info she wants. She also says she doesn't understand why when I tell her something she can't share it with my brother. REALLY.??? Says family is family and should know everything about each other...so I stopped sharing stuff with her. Again she doesn't listen. WOW, I had forgotten about all that, well sort of. You guys are so spot on. She never listened before and never will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
I have a different take amd many reasons why. Why would you subject your kids to someone that they are only able to communicate with through therapists? You are their parent and it is your job to protect them. If through therapists is how they talk that shows that being around your mom isn't safe for them. It isn't safe for you either from what you have written down here. After three years of not being totally cut off and shut down she is never going to take you seriously that you want time alone to process your feelings. Especially when she can use your kids to get to you and get to them. Remove them from the triangulation. Let them decide as adults what they want the relationship if any to be. But don't set them up as buffers for you and your mom
if you truly want time then enforce the time out all the way around. Keep it on YOUR timetable. Have contact again when you are ready.
Don't make the kids be in the middle and confused. Why mommy wants to be safe and away from gramma but we still have to talkbto scary Grammy. I have seen this several times and it never ended up good.
Your mom will also try to use the kids to "talk" to you and ignore you wanting time off to process your feelings. Give everyone the time off and time out and if she can follow your rules then you can ease back into a relationship if you want to.
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004

I guess it sometimes happen, that people hear, but in fact they don´t listen. Probably she has never listened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Absolutely not!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 12:46am

Yes, you have every right to remove anybody from your life that you don't want in your life or whose issues prevent you from having a successful relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
My opinion is you need to stop responding to her in any fashion if that's what you need right now. Sounds like she's controlling and she's still has the control over you by attempting to do the things you've asked her to. If she calls don't answer...if she sends cards throw them away...etc. she's still got the upper hand and if you just stop she'll give up.

Good luck.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002

HI San, thanks for your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
I'm confused...do you tell her to give you time to process feelings?? And have you told her that for 3 years??

If your Mother isn't someone you want to be around then be clear about that. Don't give her hope you want an ongoing relationship if you don't want one. If she's so toxic why do you allow your children to be around her??

San