Am I wrong to feel like the 3rd wheel when it comes to the ex an stepdaughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Am I wrong to feel like the 3rd wheel when it comes to the ex an stepdaughter
7
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 9:28pm
Ok, I will try to make it short. Hubby was married before an has a daughter. I love her, she is actually a great kid. It frustrates me however that she really has no responsibility or sense of Respect for me. I do understand she learns from example and hubby an the ex-wife don't really respect me or my time either. They always plan things together for me to do, like i will take her to school, pick her up, take her to dr appts. an only telling me right before i need to go. I try to tell hubby to let her grow up she is 13 , will be 14 this year an we cannot leave her alone for a second, hubby wants me to go with her to the bathroom, her mom holds her hand in store, calls her 20 times a day when she stays with us an I am always given instructions to watch her baby. Just recently I have convinced hubby to give her chores while she is here. Long story short hubby tells me, always at last minute to pick her up from school, take her to doctors appt. An 3 times she has gotten rides with others and not told me, she knew I was coming. It happened again the other day. I was very busy, hubby called that morning said to pick her up, I went to school, waited over 45 min, no show, called hubby and he called her, she had caught a ride with someone else. I was pissed. I feel she has no respect for my time. I called her, she said she was aware I was coming but her aunt was there picking her daughter up an she just went with them. I explained I should have been called an not just let me just sit an wait. I did say I was angry and that she needs to learn to respect other more in the future and basically grow up and take more responsibility for herself. Her mom was mad, hubby didn't understand why I was mad, all of it pissed me off. So, I told all 3 I will not be used as the chauffeur an baby sitter anymore. So, was I wrong for yelling at her, am I wrong to feel like the 3rd wheel.

Malificient

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
" will be 14 this year an we cannot leave her alone for a second, hubby wants me to go with her to the bathroom, her mom holds her hand in store, calls her 20 times a day when she stays with us an I am always given instructions to watch her baby. "

Ok, this is just WEIRD. Has she ever given them reason to treat her this way? Does she get into trouble, is she rebellious? Because generally, kids who are kept under such a firm thumb when they've done nothing to deserve it will eventually rebel against it.

But that's besides the matter. On the issue of their general lack of consideration or respect for you, no, you are not wrong. I'm not sure "3rd wheel" is the right term for it - but certainly, they have very little regard for you or your schedule and the prime problem is your husband. Like you say, his daughter learns by example and the ex wife may be following your husband's lead as well. If HE started showing you some respect and backed you up when the other two didn't, things would change very quickly with the other two as well.

You were right to finally put your foot down. Long overdue, from what I can see. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. If you allow them to treat you like a chauffeur, they will do so.

But I do suggest that perhaps instead of refusing to help out at all, that you simply set some boundaries. Tell them you need to have (x) amount of notice before they want you to do something and they need to ASK you, not tell you. And they have to be prepared for the fact that even with advanced notice, you may already have plans and won't be available. If you refuse to be involved at all any more, they'll just think you're being selfish and unhelpful. Lay out of the boundaries clearly for them and if they still disrespect you, then refuse to be involved at all.
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Registered: 09-19-2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Thanks for the advice an validation. I plan to talk to him tonite. As for your question, no, she is not a trouble maker, hubby's response is her mom is so overprotective that when she is with us he goes along with it to prevent argument. I say slot of bs........I have been the stepmom for 5 years now an, whewwwwww I have had it. Now the daughter is going into the teen years an her lack of responsibility an over protective parents.......let's just say a hellava ride is on the way.

Malificient

Avatar for lizmvr
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Registered: 06-06-2001
I agree that you need to not allow them to "tell" you what to do with short notice, but I do think that you really need to focus more on your relationship with your husband rather than taking the frustration with both of her parents out on your stepdaughter. If you really think she's just learning how to treat you from their example, I don't think it's a super great idea to yell at her first for not calling you proactively when she left with her aunt--what about the aunt's responsibilty as an adult mother to tell you another adult guardian about picking up the stepdaughter, too?
In general, I think kids get the short end of the stick in divorce situations, and you all as adults need to do what's best to mitigate the damage done to her from that situation. It doesn't help that your husband just goes along with overprotectiveness, and it doesn't help for you to step in to be a radical authority now either. You all need to work together in the best interests of the 13 year old--I do think that's a responsibilty that you took on as you married her dad.

Liz


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004

I´m, sorry for what you´re going through. I might sound to harsh but hubby, ex and step daughter don´t respect you at all.

It seems like you are a driver, babysiter

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Thanks for the advice, imappreciate the support.

Malificient

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

First, it's your hubby who is the problem.