Asking to much from grown upkids? (women over 50 please)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Asking to much from grown upkids? (women over 50 please)
11
Sat, 11-24-2012 - 12:28am

Las year was my, 60th aniverssary. Decade birthdays have always been important for me.

My daughter wasn´t able to be with me, because she broke with her boyfriend, and was so sad, that she decided to take a trip. When she came back, I never received a present (eventhough she makes very good money) Or her intention to buy a cake. I GOT NOOOOOOOOOTHING!

My son lives in foreingh country and was also unable to be with me, but he sent me some money as a present, and callled for my birthday.

The next time the family got together, (me and my two kids.) I was waitting for them to acknowledge my birthady. Probably that they could buy a cake, and sang happy birthday. But that never happened. I also found out that my son (whom I rarely see), after his brief visit to our country, took some time to attend to a friend´s wedding in South America. I just saw him departute thinking "¿WHAAAAAAAAAT?"

This, besides other things have really broken my heart as a mom.

Am I asking for too much? Is that the way grown up kids behave with their moms? Are my kids extremely selfish? Sometimes I have the feeling; that I did something wrong! In the way I brought them up, or they just inherit from their dad (whom I dovorced) the "SELFISH" gene.

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

<Is that the way grown up kids behave with their moms?>

Its the way some grown kids behave with their moms. Some are more connected, some less. Part of it may be due to how they were raised but that doesn't account for all of it. For instance your son did more to observe your birthday than your daughter did, and presumably they were raised the same way. Were your kids raised seeing family getting together as important and/or an obligation? Were you closer to your mother at their age?

Did your kids realize how important to you the 60th birthday was? Do they think that birthdays are important days in general? I think that your son's response was appropriate, especially since he lives in another country. I do think that your dd should have done something when she got back from her trip. You didn't say how long after your birthday your kids came to visit but unless it was within a couple of weeks I would not expect them to celebrate with cake or sing happy birthday etc.

The incident with your son traveling on to a wedding sounds normal to me. Your kids are at a point of building their own lives. My ds lives about 400 miles away but still has many friends in this city. He has come here for weddings twice in this year, staying at our home but we barely see him during the short visit. He does make a point of spending a few hours with us but I understand that the purpose of the trip was for something else...and staying with the parents eliminates the cost of a hotel.

I think its okay to tell your dd that you are disappointed that she did not acknowledge your birthday, on the actual day or when she returned from her trip. And when your kid(s) will be visiting in your city you can state that you want to spend X amount of time with them, but then do make the time count. They may not realize that you miss them or when they are being inconsiderate. There is a fine line between pointing out bad behavior and  making our adult kids feel guilty (and then they don't want to be around us) so just say what you have to say then drop it. Your dd will get the point, or not.



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