Baby thank you cards?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2013
Baby thank you cards?
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 10:10pm

My boyfriend's sister has a 2 year old son. She is now pregnant with her second boy and had the nerve to have a second baby shower complete with a FULL registry. Mind you, she still has everything from the first time around.

The baby shower was 3 weeks ago. A couple people, including my Mom, made a 3 hour round-trip to come to her shower. Now, three weeks thank you cards. I casually mentioned to her Mom if she needed my Mom's address....she shook her head and said "oh Daughter won't do that. i've tried in the past, she won't bother." EXCUSE ME!?!?!

People spent time and money to celebrate your SECOND baby and not even a simple thank you card!? I just think that she is being extremely greedy and ungrateful. I know my Mom has always been crazy about thank you cards and I don't want her to get a bad impression of my boyfriend's sister. We bought her a really nice gift and she didn't even say thank you to me in person. Not to mention everyone else who broughts gifts and took time out of their day.

I really feel like something needs to be said to her, but I need to find the right approach. Any thoughts or suggestions? I am pretty close with her and my boyfriend's Mom....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Wed, 06-18-2014 - 2:58pm
OK, I have a few thoughts on this. #1. In my opinion, a baby shower is for the baby, not the mom. My sister has 3 girls and I threw her showers for each one. If someone didn't want to come or bring a gift, that was fine. The shower was more of a way to celebrate the pregnancy and the baby. Of course, with the second and third, she didn't need the big things like bed, dresser, stroller but she needed clothes, diapers, etc. #2. As far as "If we are giving for recognition, then we have to check our motives", I disagree with this comment. I don't give gifts just so that someone will give me a thank you card. I give gifts because I want to celebrate with the receiver. A Thank You card is a courtesy that everyone should take the time to send if they receive a gift, it's just good manners. My kids are both under 10 but they write and send Thank You cards for gifts they receive. My husband daughter and I drove all the way across 7 states to my sil's wedding a few years ago and we gave her a very nice gift. Not only did we not receive a Thank You card, we didn't even get a "thank you for coming to the wedding" when we were there. After driving 14 hours one way to be there for her special day. She was very anxious to take the gift from my husbands hand but, even then she didn't thank him for it. Some people just have no manners when it comes to begin thankful and it's very sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 11:45pm

My grand neice was given a baby shower by her aunt.  As the guests came into the shower, they were asked to self-address an envelope to be used for their thank you note.  Even with self-addressed thank you's, the gal never sent thank you notes!  I've just stopped expecting them since they're so non-existant these days and only give to people I WANT to give something to with no expectation of anything in return.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2011
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 12:05am

Hi Miss Riss, 

I completely understand when you go out of your way to get something nice for someone and go and celebrate with them - youve taken time out to buy the gift and time out to attend the event. Then when no thank you card arrives, you kind of think well why did I bother. 

It seems that she is rude for not sending cards out. But I want you to put your thoughts aside for 1 minute and think about her for a minute. Has she had the second child yet or is she very heavily pregnant? Either way, none of us can judge another when they are either very pregnant or with a new child. Its a hectic time and some days you feel like doing nothing at all. Some days its hard enough going shopping for food and putting dinner on the table. 

I agree with the other posts and my motto is when you "lend" something to someone, if you get it back its a bonus, but effectively you are giving it away. This applies to gifts too; if you get a thank you card, its appreciated, but if not, you get the feeling that youve bought something for someone who wants it or needs it. Surely you are feeling good knowing that this new baby might benefit from having a happy mom who was spolied a little at a very emotional time in her life. Personally, I think a little kindness towards her at this time will go along way. And if you complain to your boyfriend, it will upset him that his sister is like that. 

I say let it go, and maybe dont be in a rush to go and give her things when she requests them again if you think she is a spoiled and greedy person. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 11:03am

It's a free world.  If someone wants to have a baby shower for her 12th baby, she can.  It is also up to your and your mother to decide whether you want to participate in that kind of nonsense or not.

It seems like there was resentment brewing judging from the statement:  "And she had the nerve ... with full registry ..." even BEFORE the shower.  The thank you card thing is just the straw that breaks the camel's back. 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 3:44am

"had the nerve to have a second baby shower complete with a FULL registry." 

Who hosted the shower? If a friend or relative gave the shower for her then its not nervy of her to allow it. If she planned it for herself then that's called a "gift grab". Presumably anyone invited knows her well enough to know its her second child etc and can decide if they want to give her more stuff or not.

Not sending thank you notes is rude, but unfortunately its pretty common these days. 

Why are you worried about what your mom or any of the other guests will think of her? Your mom will either take offense that she was not properly thanked and decide that this gal is rude, or she will let it go. What I find more strange is that you say that you are close to the mom to be but you don't seem to have a very good opinion of her. What is your criteria for choosing friends?

If this gal has lots of other great traits then you can try to forget about this behavior. Evidently she has a history of not sending thank you's if her mom knows she won't bother, and if you stay friends with her then this will be a recurring problem. If you feel that you must say something then just be upfront with her, and tell her that you're offended that neither your mom nor you received thank you notes, and see what she says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 10:41am

Well your friend there surely had a different approach--all those people took time to buy her a card & gift but she couldn't be bothered to take the time to write a note.  I guess all you can do with that type of person is not go to the shower.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 4:50pm

I understand your frustration, and I agree that I would probably be a little annoyed myself, but.....

To save your self from the frustration, remember why we give.  If we are giving for recognition, then we have to check our motitives.  I am not Miss Manners, I simply try to live a serene life.  Next time, either don't make the trip, don't give a gift, or if you do, don't expect anything in return. 

If you really are close to her, then sure...maybe you can find a way to bring up the topic in a general way. 

I had a GF who was having her 3 young child based on her age, not whether she could afford another child, etc.  Great gal, loved her to death, but she also had another shower with registry, etc.  She did write an adorable poem on how all of the hand-me-downs were tattered, etc.  Explaining the shower and registry.  Okay, I can live with that.  But at the shower, she annouced at the end that she was horrible about sending Thank You cards and so said "thank you." 

Wasn't sure if I appreciated her honesty, or was offended. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 10:47am

I don't really understand the reason behind asking the sister's mom about the sister needing the address. If you're mad at the sister, ask her about the situation--it's really not better to gossip and get her mom involved. I don't really see how this shows that you're close to the sister either.

In any case, ask the sister herself if she needs your mom's address or whether the thank you note might have gotten lost in the mail. Based on her response you can decide whether you really are close to her or not, and if she has a good reason for not getting the thank you notes out yet, maybe you can offer to take her to the post office or something.

You can't control the way that any person acts, which will warrant the impression they give to others; so, stop trying to paint someone you see as rude, selfish, and ungrateful in a better light to your mom. It's not worth it, and you're not being honest yourself when you do that.


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