best friend getting married too soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
best friend getting married too soon
3
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 5:05pm
A friend of mine is getting married in October to a guy shes been dating for 8 or 9 months. They have been living together for 6 months, which means they only knew each other a short time before taking such a big step.

Since they have been dating, I have heard from her and some others that the guy she is dating is verbally abusive at times. He basically calls her ignorant and immature since she is 10 years younger than him - hes 30 & shes 20. God knows what else he says. But with her being too nice to say anything, Im sure he gets away with it. All of which isnt true! Plus he whines -OMG does he whine- b/c hes such a mommas boy; if she doesnt do his laundry EXACTLY how his mom does it then she gets chewed out. He has a bad temper, and Im afriad that he may hurt her. I think that moving too fast coupled with the fact he says those things is a sign of an abuser. All our mutual friends that shes shared this with believe he is too.

I dont want to be nosey, in her personal business, or tell her what to do/not to do with her life, but I am so scared that he will hurt her and she wont do anything about it.She is like a sister to me - I dont want her to have to go through that!

If/When she comes to me again asking for advice, should I tell her I think shes making a mistake (which we all agree she is). Or do I even say anything at all and let her find out for herself? Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 5:40pm
I am so sorry. I know you love your best friend. Try to evaluate the situation more before you act on it. Maybe she is waiting for her friends to say something negative so she has an excuse to stop everything, or maybe if you do say something negative, she may just think you are being selfish and go ahead with the wedding anyway. She might become more withdrawn as she gets abused more and more. Try to be there for her in a non-judgmental way. If she asks, tell her that you want her to be happy, and as long as she is happy, you are happy. Let her open up to you. Even if this means that they get married. The risk in telling her right away is that she may think she has to go through this terrible relationship alone because noone supports her in it.
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 9:54pm
I agree that calling your 'lover / friend' names are abusive and yes, who knows what else he calls her when no one's around? Others get married without knowing his/her middle name. Ask Dennis Rodman! But you can't make sense to her, it's up to her to make decisions. The more you say something, the more they do the opposite. Just voice your opinion, I doubt if she listens to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 3:01pm
When I was in college, my 1 friend & I met 2 guys. While I dated my guy for 3 years & graduated college before we got married, she only went out w/ him for a few months & got married while still in college.

The problem was the guy she thought he was was nothing like who he really was. My DH would tell me on the side all the stuff her BF would say, girls he was flirting w/, etc... & I so badly wanted to tell her to dump him. But she was so infatuated w/ him I didn't think anything I said would've made a difference. & all her other friends & her family kept telling her she was too young, he was wrong for her & she started to get angry w/ them. I realized if I told her the same thing, then she'd have nobody that she felt was on her side so I kept quiet.

They ended up getting divorced a few years later & she never spoke to me again. I think she just wanted to walk away from that whole part of her life & I unfortunately was part of it. Or maybe she felt I knew what he was like & was pissed I hadn't said anything.

Anyway, don't go to her w/ hearsay from other people. See if U can see firsthand or get directly from her how he's treating her. If U decide to approach her, just say U are worried about how he's treating her & U don't want her to get hurt. Don't be preachy or judgmental. & make sure she knows you'll be there no matter what she decides. In the end, it's up to her, & if he is bad news, she has to see it on her own.