Best friend is making me feel guilty....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Best friend is making me feel guilty....
5
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 12:46pm

My best friend and I have known each other for about 16 years. A good portion of this time she has lived out of state until recently. She is going through a pretty ugly divorce for about a year now and had to move back home to get on her feet. When she first moved back I was always available to her. We were living in the same city and I was single. I had more than enough time to give to her. She wasn't working and I worked late hours so we'd go out every other night after I was done.

A couple months after she moved back I met my current boyfriend. I started to naturally spend more time with him but I still spent time hanging out with her on the weekends and sometimes random weekdays. Then I moved in with my boyfriend-so now I'm living about 30 minutes away from her. I do my best to make time for her on the weekends, but with it being the busy season at my job, and having a wedding or a barbeque to attend every weekend this summer, I've put her on the back burner a bit so I can get some of the time I need for myself to unwind.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 08-21-2011 - 1:56pm
First of all, going out with her every other night sounds like a lot. Even when I was younger, I don't remember giving that much of my free time away to anyone. If you enjoy being with her that much, then more power to you, but if not, I would try to limit it to one outing per week(or less).

The thing with friendship is, it's give and take. I think she should realize that the single scene is no longer your cup of tea. On the flip-side, I'm sure up until the time that you met your BF, the two of you enjoyed hitting the bars on a regular basis so, since she's still single, why stop now?

I would try to comprimise with her. Either, do something you like for an hour and then go to a bar with her for an hour or switch it up every other weekend ie movies this wknd, bar hop the next.

The bottom line is, if she isn't willing to do some low-key activities with you then I wouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to hit up the bars. Nor do I think it's realistic for her to expect you close down the bar every time you guys go to one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 08-21-2011 - 11:19am

If you can't be honest with your friend about your own life and your feelings, then she isn't much of a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 9:58pm

I agree. I haven't really been totally upfront with her and honest about how things have changed and are changing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 7:42pm
Nice post. ;)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 1:18pm

First off no one can make you feel guilty, you are in control of your emotions. 2nd tell her that things have changed and you have changed since she has been gone and that you just are not up to hanging out every friday night. Tell her that you are there to support her in every way that you can and that you understand that she is going through a hard time and you still want to hang out but not every friday.

Also these bar b ques and other events that you have been going to on the weekends is there some reason why you can't invite her to go along, maybe then she could meet some other people and not rely on you