Biological Child Resents Adopted Kids

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Registered: 04-07-2003
Biological Child Resents Adopted Kids
7
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 11:05am
I don't know if this is the right board for this vent, if its not someone please steer me in the right direction.

My question is this, are there any other adults who are the biological children of parents or in my case a parent (my mom) who adopted other children and are resentful of those children ???

I know I should'nt feel this way but I hate my mother's kids - I refuse to call them my siblings - they're horrible, rotten people (the youngest is now 16 and the oldest is 21) who act so much differently than my biological sister and I. I feel like my life would have been so much different if she had never allowed those children to come into our home or our lives.

I do not hide the way I feel about these people and it is of course having a serious impact on the relationship I have with my mother.

Any suggestions on how I can deal with these feelings of resentment in a way that does not hurt my mother ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 3:49pm
I havent been in ur shoes but I was just wondering how old u & ur bio sis are. Are u alot older than the adopted kids? Did u grow up alongside them or did they come along at a different time? Do u frequently find yourself having to be around them, and does ur mom show favoritism of them over u and ur bio sis? From ur post it doesnt sound like she shows favoritism. Anyway I am just curious! Like I said, I havent been thru it so I am not sure what to tell u. My situation is, my dad died when I was a toddler and I am my mom's only bio kid. When I was 5 she met my stepdad who was the single dad of a 3 yr old girl. He also had a 12 yr old boy who lived in another state with his mom. We never really got to know the boy. The girl is now like my sis, and I totally think of her as my sis even tho biologically she isnt. We grew up together from that age (3 and 5) our parents moved in together and got married 2 yrs later, so we were basically both raised by the same parents and in the same way. (Her mom disappeared when she was a couple mos. old and signed away her ALL of her parental rights when my sis was 1) Despite that tho, there are differences that are noticeable. Its hard to know if the differences come from our early childhoods or what. For example I was always better in school, more responsible, etc. My sis is pretty lazy and not very responsible, which also I guess could come from being younger ?. My mom definitly loves my sis, but in some little ways I do think she shows a tiny bit of favoritism to me. That is kind of sad, but on the other hand I have to admit I kinda enjoy it...I think I would resent my sis if it were the other way around :-( Anyway I think this stuff is interesting! Rhiannon
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Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 5:11pm
My sister and I are both in our 30's. My mom adopted the children when we were both in our early teens. The first two were 1 and 2 and then about two years later another 1 year old. The last one didn't come along til my senior year in high school, she got him straight from the hospital. His mother was a drug addict who just left him. Needless to say my sister and I did a lot of babysitting and had to make a lot of sacrifices that we shouldn't have had to in order to help my mom take care of these kids.

To this day she allows them to get away with behavior that she would have 'knocked us into outer space' for and she does not make them accountable for their actions. In short she does show favoritism and she does make a difference between them and my sister and I and we do resent this.

Until recently I did have to spend a lot of time around them. I decided to move away from my family so that I would not have to interact with them. The only person I see on a regular basis is my sister and her family.

Your mother should show favoritism towards you, YOU are afterall her flesh and blood.

Sin

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Registered: 08-14-2002
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 8:43pm
Much of what you said has upset me and I have to respond. I am the mother of an adopted child, daughter of an adopted child, niece to three adopted children, and aunt to two more adopted children. I have two half-siblings, three step-siblings, and two full-blood siblings.

In my family, there is no distinction between adopted/biological/half/step or otherwise, and I believe there should NEVER be any distinction. A child is a child, and s/he cannot choose who they get for parents. If a parent adopts a child, they have made the commitment to love and raise that child as their own flesh and blood - the same commitment made when a mother gives birth. Period. That child is as much a part of the family as "flesh and blood" children, and should be treated as such from ALL family members, including siblings.

<<< My mom adopted the children when we were both in our early teens. >>>

Well that explains a lot. This is a tough time for teens, during which much identity and values are formed, and a time when competition from other siblings is most keen. So you had Mom all to yourself (and sis) for those 13 or so years, then had to share her with three babies in a row. I'm willing to bet much of your resentment stems from jealousy during your early teen years that was never dealt with. But you know what? This happens with "flesh and blood" siblings too, and has absolutely nothing to do with biological vs. adopted siblings. It's just pre-teen egocentrism, jealousy, and sibling rivalry.

<<< Needless to say my sister and I did a lot of babysitting and had to make a lot of sacrifices that we shouldn't have had to in order to help my mom take care of these kids. >>>

Again, this has nothing to do with biological vs. adopted siblings. Because if your mom had had three biological babies in a row, you would ALSO have been expected to babysit and make sacrifices for them, too. And you would have complained just as loudly.

<<< To this day she allows them to get away with behavior that she would have 'knocked us into outer space' for and she does not make them accountable for their actions. In short she does show favoritism and she does make a difference between them and my sister and I and we do resent this. >>>

I have to disagree with Mom here. I can understand why you resent the favoritism. But perhaps I can shed a little light: I'm willing to bet your mom feels deep compassion for these children because their own parents were unable or unfit to raise them, and loves them very much. Not more than you or your sis, just differently - and you interpret that as favoritism. Also, there is NO parent on the face of this earth that treats all of their children exactly equally - there will be differences in discipline, attention, expectations, and so on - for each child; because any good parent will determine what works best for each child. AND, we parents get better at parenting with each child raised. Maybe your mom sees that she was too strict with you and sis, so has eased up with the next three. With parenting as anything else, practice makes perfect. Problem is, once you've finally figured out how to do parenting well, the kids are grown and you're out of a job. Go figure.

<<< Your mother should show favoritism towards you, YOU are afterall her flesh and blood. >>>



This statement is so wrong - I don't even know where to start to explain it. By your reasoning, then, adopted children aren't worthy or deserving of a parent's love? What have they done so wrong, and biological children done so right, to deserve such a value judgement? Since when are children responsible for the parents they are given in life? And how can you justify a parent showing favoritism toward one child than another, when neither child has done ANYTHING to provoke or deserve it?

<<< I know I should'nt feel this way but I hate my mother's kids - I refuse to call them my siblings - they're horrible, rotten people (the youngest is now 16 and the oldest is 21) who act so much differently than my biological sister and I. I feel like my life would have been so much different if she had never allowed those children to come into our home or our lives.

>>>

Well, like it or not, they ARE your siblings and you cannot change that unless you disown your mother. They act differently from your sister and you because there's a gap of several years between you, and yes, some personality traits are inherited from one's biological parents. And yes, your life would have been much different if your mother had not adopted your siblings, but not necessarily better. And once again, this has NOTHING to do with biological vs. adopted siblings - the same resentment would be there if your mother had given birth to these kids. By the way, she didn't "allow" those children to come into your home or lives - this statement implies that these babies, at 1 and 2 yrs old, ASKED for admittance to your home and your mother LET them. LOL Waaay off-base. These kids had no control over who abandoned them, adopted them, or whatever - and your mother CHOSE to raise those kids as her very own.

<<< I do not hide the way I feel about these people and it is of course having a serious impact on the relationship I have with my mother. >>>

Well of course it is. "These people" are your family, whether you like it or not. By your actions, you are forcing your mother to take sides - so of course she will take sides with the sibling who is being attacked, as any parent would do - biological child or not.

<<< Any suggestions on how I can deal with these feelings of resentment in a way that does not hurt my mother? >>>

Yes. They're called "therapists" and you can find them in the phone book, your county health department, or by asking your medical doctor for a reference. I'd advise you to find one quickly, before your family is torn apart, or tears apart from you.

And why are you only worried about not hurting your mother? Do your siblings not count at all as human beings, with feelings of their own? You do say in your post they are "horrible, rotten people" but you offer no explanation to back up that opinion. I know you THINK they are horrible, rotten people - but frankly, based on the strong bias you present in the rest of your post, I have trouble believing they are as horrible as you say they are. Show me. Tell me. Explain, please...

Msfit





                  &nbs

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 2:11pm
I have to agree here. Although msfit's post sounds harsh, I think she is 100% on the mark.

We have a couple adopted kids in my family too as well as some step family. No distinction is made between biological relatives and non-biological ones. Everyone is family. Period. Esspecially when it comes to children. No matter what their parents have done or not done, they are innocent and deserve to be treated with love and compassion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 8:38pm
Some of the previous posters spoke of the ideal (that there be no distinction between adopted VS blood) that may only be possible for the adoptive parents to attain. The truth is that not everyone is capable of attaining the quality of connection one has with children who are born into the family with adopted children, and I think that it is unreasonable to ask it of anyone. Simply because someone has chosen to bring someone new, whether it be an SO, step-kids, or adopted kids into her life does not mean that everyone else in her life must also feel the same way she does about this person. It would be wonderful if it would be that way, but I think it is unreasonable to expect it to be that way.

My DH has five adopted siblings and one natural (not sure what the politically correct term is these days) sister. He actually likes his adpoted sisters much more than his natural sister, and he does all of them. Even so, he resents his parent's, really his mom's, decision to adopt so many kids because it greatly reduced the quality of his life and that of all of his siblings because circumstances stretched his parent's resources incredibly thin and greatly reduced the academic and social choices of the older children. At one point after DH had left home and while MIL was going through graduate school, they had three adolescent girls, one son in grade school, and one toddler who had many behavioral problems, yet they decided to adopt a girl who was blind and had severe behavioral problems. To DH, it was obvious that she was autistic, but MIL was sure that she could make her right. Only after years of unsuccess, was MIL able to admit that she couldn't fix her and took her to a specialist. With autism, early intervention is necessary if any progress is going to be made. Instead of trained specialists, Annette had only three adolescent girls to help her out because MIL was busy with grad school. Instead of letting the last two be adopted by people who had more resources, could invest more time and more realistically meet their unique needs, they took them because MIL had, and still has a need to save the world.

Even though there supposedly isn't a difference in the way DH's family feels about DH and his siblings and the one natural grandchild, but in reality, there is. SD is the absolute favorite, hands down. Anything she wants, she gets. MIL makes sure that the rest of the grandkids get plenty, but it is obvious that she puts much more thought into SD's gifts. DH's grandma is much more open about it with DH. She only has two "blood" grandsons, and she has made sure that they get the photograph albums, and other family heirlooms, and she has made it very clear to me that SD will be inheriting them. She won't give MIL anything that she wants to stay in the family for fear that she will give it to an adopted child. GMIL dotes on her two blood grandsons, and I might as well not exist because I have not given her a grandchild. She loves all of her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren, but she has a special relationship with her blood grandchildren and their offspring.

You are not alone in how you feel. Even though Misfit's post was harsh, she made some good points that might help you get some perspective. Your adopted siblings didn't ask to be a part of this family, and they are humans who are deserving of at least basic respect, but I don't think that you HAVE to like or even love them. Yes, genetics does play a part in who a person is, but environement plays an even larger part. Keep this in mind as you deal with them because you were part of the environment they grew up in. I think that you have done a good thing in separating yourself from them as much as you have and you should continue to do so until you deal with this anger that you have. Your mother has essentially raised two separate families who aren't melding very well, and this is an issue that she is going to have to deal with in time. The fact is that you cannot change the past and the only person you can change is yourself. Your mother has/is making a lot mistakes, so she's human. Its time to forgive her for that. You are stuck with your life as it is, its time to get over it and move on. I know it is difficult to let go of the hurt you experienced in the past, but it is necessary so that you don't carry all of that anger into the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 10:23pm
Thank you Pamme for your post. I do tend to be harsh, especially when a nerve has been pinched, even if I don't intend to. Thanks for softening my words and giving more perspective that I had not thought of - you are so right.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 8:48am
I am not sure how or if I should respond to your post. But I was adopted into a family that already had 3 older bio children. My sister and I was raised in the same foster home until I was 14, when they adopted us. I was a pretty good kid until I was about 11 years old and that is when I started to rebel against the world. I am sure that I drove my older brother's and sister (bio kids of my adoptive parents) nuts with all my acting out I did. And let me just tell you, I REALLY acted out and took it out on the only people I knew too, my adoptive parents and siblings. I somehow blamed them and took all my frustrations out on them, because I did not know any other way to handle my frustrations. I truly regret it and ask myself how and why I did the things I did. I also need to add that my adopted parents were also foster parents of lots and lots of children during my time at home so we always had a house full.

With that said my adoptive family was always there for me through everything. Especially my older sister! None of my older siblings agreed with my actions and none of them were very happy with me. I was not happy with myself and I was determined to doing everything I could to fight the world, so why would they be happy with me. But they all supported me and they all lectured me when I needed it too, etc. But in the end they made it clear that they loved me and that I was a good kid despite my actions. They encouraged me to straighten up and they made it clear I was loved.

From the ages of 11 until I was around 24 I rebelled against the world in anyway I could. I had the support of my siblings more than I did my adoptive parents most of the time. When you said " I do not hide the way I feel about these people and it is of course having a serious impact on the relationship I have with my mother", it just crushed me. I thought back to when I was acting out and how I would have felt if my siblings did not hide all their resentments and thoughts from me. Their support and kindness to me is what brought me out of ditch I was in!

Being adopted into a established family is hard no matter what age you are. Even though I had been in their care since I Was very small, I still grew up with very cruel comments from some family, kids at school and even my siblings (only when I was under 10 yrs old and we were fighting) etc. I was made to feel like I was not a "real" or "whole" person because that was not my "real" family. My cousins even made comments like "You are not a real "Smith" because you were just adopted into it" "Your not really my cousin because you were adopted". Even some aunts and uncles were known to buy the other siblings gifts and not my sister and I. Imagine growing up like that as a child? Could you imagine your children being treated like they are a less of a person because they are your kid? I was a child too and so were your adopted adopted siblings. I am sure that they endured similar things like I did, that you have no idea about. That is enough to make them act out. I thought I was ok with all that and that I never let it bother me. But in hindsight that is part of the reason that I acted out. I felt like I did not belong anywhere because of the small comments I heard like that. I felt unloved and unwanted so I took it out on the only people I could, my family because that was all I had!

When you are adopted like I was because I had worthless bio parents, you feel like there is something wrong with you. I am sure your siblings feel that way. But as a kid you cannot pin point why you feel like you do and why you are acting out. You just are and it is extremely hard to change. They need the support of a loving family to help them. You could be that and they could give you credit for helping them through difficult times or you can be the world that they rebelling against and you can sit back and laugh when they crash and burn because they have no one to support them. Your Mom is going to be the one they fight against. Not because they don't love her because I am sure they do, they just have trouble showing it through their on pain etc. My siblings told me not to talk to my Mom like I did many many times. Even though it irritated me when they said it, I caught on because I knew they loved me.

It is very unfair and unrealistic for an adult to feel the way you feel about your siblings because they are not your "real" siblings. If you have always acted that way towards your adopted siblings than it is no wonder they act the way they do. You really need to see the whole picture and start trying to care for them. It is NOT their fault that they needed a family. Your Mom helped kids in need when no one else did. She deserves your respect too. You do not have to respect her for the things she has done wrong by you, but at least respect and love her for what she has done. We all make mistakes but we have to go on. Forgive her or at least try and come to terms with everything. You will be much happier and content with your life if you could do this.

All 5 of us kids in my family are very different and we have all had our problems and screw ups. I am very thankful that my older siblings did not hold my screw ups against me and I do not hold their screw ups against them. My older sister has been known to tell my mom off and be mad at her because of the dumbest reasons, and she is their "real" kid. I am still here for her and she is for me. That is what family is about! Please rethink treating your adopted siblings different and see if that makes a difference. It may not be them as much as it is you. Or maybe you can change their lives by being an older sister that they can come too.

Sorry if I was too blunt here. I did not mean to put you down, I am just surprised that an adult could feel like you do.