The Black Sheep

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
The Black Sheep
5
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 8:14pm

Hello;

I always thought of myself as the black sheep of the family.. Now at 59 years old and the middle child its still like this.. A little back story.. I came to live with my sister four years ago due to divorce and trying to save money ..My mom lives here also but a few months ago she had a heart episode and has been in rehab for a few months.. so now its my sis and me and dog and cat.. Sis works so I take care of the house and animals and things ..

Well my sister and family have always been sort of cold and distant and it hasnt changed in all these years.. I have a handful of friends and a brother but most people dont bother that much anymore .. Now its the grand children and all of that stuff. I have one older son and no grandchildren.

My sis has a boyfriend and they are so selfish and act like I dont even exist but that is nothing new.. Now I am going to move out but what do you do when your FOO is dysfunctional and friends are limited... Have no boyfriend and no SO so its challenging.. I dont want to sound like a victim but just does anyone have any ideas for me??? Do you just stay alone or find another family?? I am not into animals so that wont be a good idea..

Its like I would love to just hand pick another family who gives unconditional love and all but how does one go about that and is that possible??

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 05-25-2013 - 10:07pm

Hi. I guess that you need to move to another place if you don´t feel happy there. You are stuck there. People around you wont change and that makes for you more dificult to make a change possible. I have been struggling with things like that for a long period and this is what has helped me.

Try to make new friends, go to courses or groups that do things you like. I have joined a Course in Miracles and from that I had new courses and ideas. You can also volunteer. I guess that relationships erode, get stagnant  and are difficult to change. Moving out will help you, and from that point (making a big effort), you can start getting to know peopole whom you like and they like you.

You can also learn to pamper yourself. Go and buy and icream for you and take walks. Buy yourself small things that make you happy and set some goals. The love, pamper attention, acceptance that is for sure you will always get is the one you give to yourself.

That will make less important what others give you or not. I´m sure there must be a lot of lonely people like you that enjoy your company. Don´t lean in few friends.

Easy? I´m sure it is not. Try to make your support group out of your family. Make it as big as you can.

Hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 4:10pm

thanks Music.. yes I need some type of replacement family ... The only person I could think of today was a cousin I had .. She and I lost touch and moved away from each other but I can def. find her.. My dad and her dad were brothers... She would probably be happy if I got in touch with her..

Its setting those boundaries I have problems with but I have to keep doing that... There must be others in same boat as me and its just a matter of finding them.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 11:16am

Well I think that you can make your friends into your family.  I am thinking of my ex's friend S. who is a single guy.  When I met him I was early 40's and he's a couple of years younger than me.  His parents had been divorced and I think both of them were dead by then--my ex's parents also died young.  My ex's younger brother was S's best friend from childhood.  So S has one brother & one sister--he doesn't like his sister much because she is one of those women who keeps running from guy to guy and S would try to help her out financially and she kind of took advantage of him--but her kids are closer to him that to their own parents cause he practically raised him.  His brother is ok but kind of a red neck kind of guy and lives far away.  So S would have all the holiday parties at his house--invite all the friends & their families.  Everyone loves him cause he's a really nice guy and that way he was never alone, so it didn't matter to him that he wasn't with his own family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 9:18am

yes you are right but let me clear up a few things.. Sis and boyfriend dont live here together and they have only been going out for a year.. Its not that I care what they think its that they dont give a rat;'s ass about anyone and that yes bothers me. Okay I cant change that..

No; I dont save money living here .. Its that I was homeless and moved in with sis and yes stayed way too long but I do give her rent and I do have my own life.. I do go out to groups and meet ups and have a social life.. Its just that having a dysfunctional family who treats you badly just hurts I guess.. I guess I have to get over it..

when I move things will be better I am sure and I wont have to deal with it anymore.. you said alot of good things though and thank you for responding..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 12:32am

How do you save money by staying home & watching a dog & cat?  It sounds a lot like you are a "victim"..........nobody loves me. You say you don't want to act like a victim, but that's what you act like. You have no family, no friends, and your sister and her b/f ignore you?  Maybe after 4 years they want some privacy, ya think? 

You can't pick a new family, but you CAN pick a new life.  You go out and make NEW friends.  You don't need a boyfriend to make your life complete.......first you make your life complete, and then friends and boyfriends will find YOU!  At 59, you need to get out on your own, and make a new life for yourself.  You want friends?  Then join clubs, take classes, volunteer somewhere, and learn to love yourself......once you love yourself, then other people will gravitate toward you.......but with a "poor me" attitude, people go the other way.