In with the boyfriend, out with the friends

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
In with the boyfriend, out with the friends
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 4:32pm

I feel like i've been fighting this battle for many many years and recently it has become such an internal war with myself. i'm 24 now and i feel completely alone as my friends have all the time in the world for their boy friends and other friends with siginificant others except for me. I don't want to be apart of my own pity party but it's really starting to hurt me. I am single and i feel like i am in a place where i just want to be single but i always felt that the love you sometimes lack from a significant other or lack there of should be expelled from your friends and family and yourself, always keeping your full and happy. I know that might be a bold statement and i sometimes think that i maybe have too high standards for my friends. However, now more than ever i am really hurting. They are proud women until a guy falls into the picture and they completely shut down. I do understand that the beginning of a relationship is the part when you see them the most but i feel i'm still being ignored. My one friend now has a boy friend and i never see her. She hangs out with other couples and i simply dont' hear from her unless i make the plans. Additionally, my other girl friends are much worse. One who has been dating the same guy for years is never seen unless i make the plans (again). This is VERY literal... i've seen her 3 times this summer and each time i've made the plans. Her sister and i have ended our friendship because i simply got tired and gave up on the fact that she is a good friend. She only made time for me when boyfriend was busy... once a week. I wish i had said something but i just didn't want to deal with it. Now she glares at me or makes sour faces when i'm around and i feel like because i stood up for myself, i'm being punished. I'm a very independent woman and maybe i do expect a lot from people but i try my best to show them how much they mean to me. However, i'm getting tired and the well is drying up and i feel like i just don't want to give anymore because NOTHING is returned. I feel very alone and almost isolated without choice. I just want to know if this will maybe go away and pass and that there are others out there who are good people and will appreciate my efforts as a friend. I feel like such a wimp but i can't help but feel hurt...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 12:10pm

We're responsible for our own happiness.  Your friends and family are not responsible for "exuding" enough love to cover your needs.  They have their own lives, their own relationships, their own problems and their own happiness to deal with.  

You say that you wish you had said something when you were upset with a friend, but didn't because you "just didn't want to deal with it".  Time to grow up, honey, and start taking responsibility for your own life.  I think you're expecting way too much from your friends and expecting them to read your mind to know exactly what you want when you want it and to respond to your constant expectations.  People don't want to always feel like failures. 

YOU may be "in a place where you just want to be single"and that's perfectly acceptable in your mind, but obviously your friends are not in that same place and THAT is not OK in your mind..  Sure it stings when you're left out, but that pity party you speak of isn't going to change the reality that you and your friends are growing in different directions and that your expectations are too me-centered. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:38am
Yeah, I agree.

Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 1:52pm

What one should expect from a board of varied strangers is those strangers opinions, advice and thoughts...some of which will be "atta girl, go ahead and expect friends who will meet your every need" and others who will tell you that perhaps your expectations are too high. 

NOBODY tells you that you are required to like, follow or even read someone else's thoughts.  But perhaps things you don't want hear are exactly what you need to hear in order to solve a problematic situation in your life and perhaps that's why those strangers take the time to reply to your post. 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 10:42am

I've seen this happen many times and its kind of a cliche that girlfriends will practically forget their old (single) friends when they get a bf. Their lives become bf and couple oriented, and single friends only hear from them when the bf is off with his buddies. Not all women but plenty. Funny how guys usually don't forget about their old guy friends, unless the gf is running their life. 

Are these old friends, like from high school years? Have you tried talking to any of them about it? Is it possible that they don't realize that they are shoving you into the background, or they don't realize how much it bothers you?

You may find that if you make new friends now that they will be less likely to forget about you when they couple up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 4:49pm

I'm not you.  I don't say things the same way you do, and I don't have the same opinions as you do.  I can only speak from my viewpoint to what you stated which was that you expected your friends and family to exude enough love to make you feel fulfilled without having a boyfriend and that they were somehow remiss for not doing so yet you can't be bothered to simply tell them you feel left out.

As others have stated, it's pretty standard for gals your age to drop everything for a guy.  No, it's not fair, but it IS pretty natural and common.  You aren't alone in that. 

Yes, we've probably ALL been in your position at one time or another, and the good thing about coming to a message board full of strangers is that we aren't bogged down by a relationship with people who come here and post...we are complete strangers who can and do state their opinions based on what you've chosen to put in print and we can be completely objective.

Sorry you see that as "preaching".  I won't bother with you again...I was giving my OPINION of what you posted as to why your friends may not want to include you in their inner circle any more...I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear...and you're certainly not obligated to read it, think about it or respond to it. 

Yes, I am a blunt person, but I'm an honest person who calls it like she sees it.  I can't be expected to read your mind and assume you REALLY mean that you're delightfully happy with your life and your ability to be happy without friends when what you write is that you're unhappy but can't be bothered to talk it out with your former friends.  Go figure! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 6:41pm
I can't imagine what makes people go off on others, anonymously, on boards like this.

It is NOT "natural" for women to act like the ones you describe.

And if you leave the board, you'll be the third in 10 days. Write the new CM if you want. This board needs all the help it can get.

Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:44pm

Hi, I understand the way you feel.

For your own sake, it might be good for you ( as I did in my own time), to lower your expectations and also probably the way you give to people. I  guess friends are friends, as long as they don´t have any better, but if they have that right, I guess you can have it as well.

Í don´t have many friends, but what I do is to take a lot of courses and have a lot of interests. In that way you can relate probably some hours with people who have the same interests and that makes one feel less lonely.

It also helps to have some hobbies, read, handcrafts, chat with people, take small excursions with other people to places nearby,and even a  pet. You can start a small business or volunteer in some not profit organizations.

If you feel you need love, love yourself. Go shopping and buy something nice for you, you can also go to a movie theater or to a walk in a park, that will make you  less dependent on people who tires you from being always the one who is willing to make plans.

I guess egoism and solitude are some of the now a days problems.

I´ve been there and done that!


Hope it helps!