Breaking relationship with my mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Breaking relationship with my mother
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 11:35am

I'm just about to break my "relationship" with my mother and I put in on "" because I never felt I had any real relationship with her. I've spent my childhood and beyond with my father being alcoholic, my parents having huge fights and screaming at each other, my father being emotionally distant and my mother being a needy neurotic "emotional vampire" kind of woman that only sees her needs. When they got divorced she accused me of not supporting her emotionally. I was 16 and who did supported me!? She also used to break my things and even threathened she would kill me. She also used to do me bad things when I was a kid and when I asked why, she used to say that her parents did the same to her, so I have to stand it for the same reason.

Well, my father passed away several years ago and I moved from her house, but the BS continues. She alienates everyone around her, my fiancé can't stand her, my friends can't stand her, and even myself can't stand her. I don't care anymore what happened in the past, I just wanted for her to behave normally now!

She talks to people at stores like they're retarded if they don't have what she wants, she talks over other people, the other day my fiancé was on the phone with his mother and she stood by his side talking to him at the same time, etc. But the problem is if I say something she doesn't like, she starts to be verbally abbusive towards me. The other day we were on a restaurant and she started screaming saying she is sick of me. And this when she was visiting me and my fiancé at my place (we live 3 hours away from each other). I completely felt I shouldn't have asked her to come.

She does a lot of other annoying things, like telling to my fiancé's mother face that she was the first to see our new house, not her! And she's 62 years old and has this habit of presenting herself like a very old woman that needs care. It's just ridiculous. My fiancé's grandmother is 86, has a cronic disease and doesn't behave like that!

Well, a lot of people can't stand her, starting with her own family, and I guess the reason why I have been relating to her is because I feel sorry for her. No one cares about her (go figure), she has no friends or relationship. But I'm becoming real sick of being the only person in her life that she treats like this. My fiancé is tired of seeing her treating me bad as well.

I've come to a point where I can't even touch her! Situations where she could touch me or me touching her I avoid it like the plague! I can't stand it.

I would love to break the relationship with her since it doesn't work. The last time I spent time with her I became so nervous that I couldn't even breathe right and had to go to the health centre. She is the type of person that I would never relate to if she wasn't my mother. I guess I still speak to her because she's getting old, no one cares for her, I'm sentimental at heart and I just feel a bit guilty of stop speaking to her. But I'm getting really tired.

Thank you for reading all of this, can you please help me with advice? Thank you in advance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 12:56pm

((((BIG HUGS))))

Well, your mom does sound toxic. I would recommend you do break the relationship, because you don't deserve to be treated that way. Life is too short and you need to spend your time with real friends. A friend doesn't cause you to get stressed out everytime you deal with them.

You are lucky that your fiance is on the same page with you. I've seen a lot of couples where their SO tries to force them into relationships they don't want. I'm sure he'll help you make the break.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 11:43am

Hi Endless,

I saw the title of your post and knew I had to read it. I'm at the same point in my life with my mother. Like yours, she makes EVERYTHING about her or my sister. Don't get me wrong I love my sister and I'm not jealous at all, but it really annoys me that anytime I talk to my mom about things that are going on in my life she doesn't respond to what I'm talking about but starts talking about what is going on in my sister's life. I really don't understand why she can't have a conversation with me, about me. On top of that she competes with me like I'm not her daughter. She has done this all my life and it always hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 11:44am

>>I've seen a lot of couples where their SO tries to force them into relationships they don't want. <<

This is true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:18pm

I have a similar situation. I guess my mother and I are "estranged". I haven't seen her in almost two years. She doesn't even know when my dds (who are 7 and 3)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 7:26pm
Big hugs to all you ladies with toxic mothers. It is very difficult to make the break, but it is in your best interest to do so. If you wouldn't put up with this kind of treatment from a friend, you need not put up with it from family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 4:17am

I agree with the OPs here. If she is that toxic then end the relationship.