Brother and Sis in law wont let us visit the new baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010
Brother and Sis in law wont let us visit the new baby.
9
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 5:27am

My brother and his wife recently had their second child. I was always close to this brother until his wife decided that she didnt like our relationship being that close and has since poisened me against him. They seemed to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010

Brother phones again this week - at least there is some communication there and he is now aware of how I have felt about how they have shut us out of their lives and treated us with contempt..

THey have judged us on ridiculous things for too long, instead of accepting that we have been trying to help them and be there , they have constantly critcised the things that they felt we should be doing - and yet nothing has come from their side - no invitation to see first child, and no offer to meet them to catch up.. basically no effort to get together ever. So brother phones to tell me that he has missed me and he still loves me and that he needs to work with her for her to be able to move on and not focus on what we havent done ... eg not wishing them congrats when I found that they were expecting again ( but of course when I phone she wont answer the phone or speak to me - you cant win either way with them ) and when I said that we have a gift and we would like to see the baby, she is still too hormonal for us to come over.

Would anyone else tolerate this nonsense? Oh - and then brother said that I need to get to know her so I can take her shopping ! Thats what auntys are for ...

This is good forum for venting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2011

Even if you're certain you're in the right, call up sister in law and ask her what you did wrong?

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

Your SIL sounds very self-centered and narcasistic and jealous of anyone getting any attention but her! Boy, was your brother bamboozled!

And, gee, if we took offense at everything someone else did not do - we'd be pretty darn busy being pissed off all day long at EVERYONE!

Your brother clearly needs to decide if he's leaving his balls in your SIL's purse or if he's going to reclaim them. And, believe me, he'll only be able to play her game for so long before HE gets frustrated and there's a confrontation at home with his wife over her behavior and its impact on their lives.

I would do my very best to stay in touch with your brother and keep things cordial. Because your SIL is "keeping score" the best thing you can do is not try to meet her unreachable expectations and let her stew in her own juice. Some people never "get it" because they are so busy blaming others.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
They sound like such petty people. Maybe you are better off without them for now.... just sayin'....

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010

I finally had a phone call from brother ( after me sending him messages and phone call to speak to him) and it seems that there are many little things that have disturbed them, too many to name. I also have a few of my own gripes about them and for the first time was able to share these gripes with my brother. SIL biggest issue is that I didnt ring to wish them congrats when I found out they were having baby no 2, but when I did phone to speak to her, my brother said she was busy and couldnt come to phone. ( and of course she couldnt phone back when she wasnt busy) . They seem to be focusing on all the things we DIDNT do, and not taking into consideration ALL the things we have done and offered to do, with every single offer from us being rejected - eg offer to babysit when they were both sick, paid for activities, them coming here for meals, and many more. THey have

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004

Don´t you have the slightest idea of what the problem might be? If they send you pictures, I assume they want to share with you the life of the new born kid.

As a previous poster said, mail the gift with a congratulations note and wait to see what happens. You might find out what´s going on, but I guess there's not much else you can do about it.

Don´t cut ties with your brother and his family, probably they don´t want a very close relationship, but even a distant one is a relationship.

Hang on lose!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
As the parents your brother and sister do in fact get to decide who does and who does not get to see their children. People won't always like it but it happens. It sounds like there is a lot of backstory we don't know. Because I have seen it destroy relationships I advise to make sure you get the information direct from someone and not let others talk for them. Explain you understand that they may not want to talk with you but you are just asking for confirmation instead of hear say. If they say they won't talk with you anymore you will have to accept that as their position. You can try mailing the items with a brief note and drop the rope from there.
As to your mom I wouldn't blame you for at least a time out. My mother has alienated my daughter this way. Constantly talking about my oldest and how his current issues are not his fault and everything, everything,Assist everything about him. Even when it was supposed to be 'grandma/granddaughter' outing. It is so bad even my oldest has called her on it and stood up for my daughter. But she burned her bridges with her so to speak. She will not talk,text or write her. She cut off a budding repaired relationship with my aunt because of the proximity of my mother. She tried to tell my mother how she was making her feel. And of course she blamed my daughter. How she wouldn't be hurt if she understood that oldest needed her and daughter doesn't. And how daughter is lucky because she still has parents and her relationship with DD can never be anything like hers and D S. So you can try telling your mom how it hurts you and no more discussions. If she steps over that boundary you can hang up the phone. Tell her to leave your home etc.i
I know you are in pain from what is going on but your brother is doing something many wives wish their husbands would and protect them. They also may be overwhelmed at being parents of two.
If however all this time you were just useful for gifts and money you are better off without them. None of my aunts or uncles paid for any of my classes or activities. That was my parents place if they wanted to put me in them. It sounds like you have been very generous. If you cannot re connect this relationship, please think about sharing your generosity with the children that have no one. I bet you would make their day and yours too.
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

Since you already bought the baby a lovely outfit and babies outgrow outfits pretty quickly, I'd probably mail it to them with a congratulations on the new baby card.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2011

Personally, I would try to call again to meet up with them.

Me () -- 34 DH -- 37 Conceived DS naturally after almost 2 years TTC and one loss. Currently have been TTC #2 after 2 more years and two more losses. Recently found polyp in uterus. Scheduled for hysteroscopy and removal 6/2011..... Instead surprise