Brother causing all sorts of problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Brother causing all sorts of problems
6
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 11:11am
My little brother (he is 14, I am 23) decided to move out this week. Just packed up his stuff in the middle of the night and left. I don't live at home, but I do live in the same town as my parents and I found out about this situation from a woman I work with. I was pretty hurt, to say the least. I called my dad and asked him what was going on and he told me that my brother and him had an argument (pretty common) and my mom let Skyler (my bro) move out to go to his friend's house for awhile! Anyway, my dad called my mom and told her I was upset so she then called me and was not happy with me for complaining to my dad about it. Seems that mom is placing all the blame for her baby moving out on her husband. She flat out told me all three of her kids left home because of her f****** husband! My mom works two jobs and is never home to discipline Skyler or take care of the things he needs. And trust me, the kid NEEDS to be disciplined a LOT!! I had to go pick him up from the police station on Valentine's day because he was out drinking with some of his buddies. He is only 14!!! And typical of my mother, when I asked her what she was going to do about him getting into trouble, she blamed the whole thing on someone else and he got off scott free!!! That happens every time he gets suspended, skips school, or breaks his curfew. It's NEVER Skyler's fault. Okay, back to the orginal problem. My mom told me last night that all Skyler wants is for someone to care about him. But does she care about him by working all day at the school and all night at the bar? Does she care about him by letting him get away with EVERYTHING!? And I did not move out totally because of my dad. I moved out because my whole life, no one noticed me at home. My parents were always too busy with the boys. So I left home September of my Senior year. Then I spent every weekend partying with people who DID notice me. Luckily, I turned out okay and not some drunk dopehead. Now I am really upset with my mother because she frutrates me bu not accepting the fact that her youngest child is a BRAT!!! I don't even want to talk to her. I don't want anything to do with her or Skyler right now. What am I supposed to do or say? I hope this all mad sense, I am really mad and just typing things as they pop into my head. Thanks in advance for listening to me vent!

Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 12:59pm
I agree with you that there is not enough attention being given. I think the reason kids do that is because they want to get their parents attention and also because the people they hang out with influence them... perhaps more than the parent because the parents are not around. Yes, she probably needs to discipline him some. If he keeps it up he could probably end up in even more trouble.

My mother used to blame my father for the problems with her kids. I think she still does. You can't control what your mother does or says but if your mother is going to be stubborn and not listen, why don't you try reassuring your father that he wasn't the complete reason you left and tell him how you feel. Maybe if you could try to sit your mom down and tell her that too. Maybe tell her that you care a lot about your brother and you don't want to see him going out and doing worse things and maybe she should keep a close eye on him and try to reasonably talk to him.

Maybe if he feels that his parents want the best for him and care about him, he may feel bad one day doing the things he does. Maybe he needs someone to look up to and not a empty house to come home to with nobody to listen. Then when the parents listen they argue. Also maybe your parents should listen and hold off the yelling. Maybe then he won't feel like hes going to be in an argument every time they talk. I was a difficult teen who's dad was only around late at night and hardly saw him. I needed attention too. I did bad some bad things and I feel its a lack of communication and attention that caused me to get attention elsewhere.

Good luck and best wishes.

Liz

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:57am
Jessica,

I just want to remind you or the Ivillage rules. You may not use *** to indicate cuss words. If people can tell what word you are using then it is not allowed. I am not turning it in to be removed. I just want to remind you of the rulkes so that it doesn't happen again. I hope all works out for your brother and your family.

melissa

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:47pm
Hi Jessica, I know you're angry, and I am too. My 16yrs. old neice did that a few months ago, and it's not because her parents weren't loving or worked 2 jobs like your mom. She's a product of divorce and my sister has not been a good rule model for her. She blames her first husband for what had happened in her life. Her kid (my neice) is lucky to have BOTH parents living w/her at home, and they can't even control her.

I know you love your brother and care for her. But, it is YOUR PARENTS' job to care for him. He's a minor doing adult stuff by drinking and wasting his life away he couldn't give a hoot. If I were you, and I've done this also, call the youth crisis and report your parents of their parenting skills. Repeat everything you just said here. If your parents get mad at you for reporting them, maybe they better turn around and do the RIGHT THING before your 14yrs. old brother end up behind bars. It's tough on your mom to do EVERYTHING when she's not getting support from her husband. Your mom can't do anything to do, you're an adult. But it's NOT TOO LATE for your brother to get some help. Your mom need help too, if she's willing. Go and make that call now. Call your local police, non emergency # if you can't find the number in the phone book. Sometimes, they have other names / numbers that's unlisted or hard to find.

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:52pm
Just want also to add:

My sister's oldest daughter was doing TOO MUCH AND CARED TOO MUCH to help her sister, and their mom now have someone else to blame (her oldest) for being a 'mother to her sister'.

Because of that, those two stopped talking. Oldest neice got so fed up, she doesn't want anything more to do with her sister or mom. She's drained from caring too much. As long as you were there for your brother when he needs you, that's about ALL YOU CAN DO for him. Don't shut him out either, because you will always be his sister for life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 2:05pm
I know what you are going through except I am the younger sister. My brother is 31 and I'm 27. He started just like your brother. Getting into trouble and getting arrested for stupid things like cutting school, drinking, stealing. My parents were never around. They worked 10 hour days and when they were home they expected the television to take their place so they could relax and do what they wanted. We didn't eat dinner together unless it was a holiday. Everyone would take their plate to their television and eat. While they were at work my brother was on his own. He could go where ever he wanted and do what ever he wanted. I on the other hand had to stay on my block or in the family owned store since I was a girl.

When my brother would get into to trouble my mother would always have someone to blame. "Oh its so-and-so that friend of his that gets him into trouble". When he changed friends it would be the new friends fault. When he got a steady girlfriend it was her fault. My brother started using cocaine around 14 to 15 years old. My brother is still an addict and it seems his behavior is worse then when he was a teenager. My parents countinue to enable him and pick up his garbage for him. He has no real responsiblitly and no one expects him to be responsible. They say he's not well and not normal so we can't expect of him what you would expect from a normal person. They talk alot about how he needs to change but never do anything about it. They continue to help him regardless of his unwillingness to change and to blame others. Now the reason he hasn't been successfull in rehab is because of his new girlfriend who is a "low-life" (which by the way she is but what kind of people do drug addicts hook up with anyway?).

Maybe you should print this up for your mom and give it to her to read. It may cause some ruffeled feathers between you and her but maybe she will start to think about how important her actions now are to her sons future not to mention her own. My parents are never at peace because of my brother and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not saying your brother is or will become a drug addict. Maybe your bother will get his head on his shoulders in a few years and do what is right on his own. However, that is a real big chance to take.

What I am saying is that when your a kid and it seems like no one cares, and it doesn't matter what you do or how you behave, you usually don't do things right. Why? because no one cares. It doesn't matter anyway. Your moms attention will not fix everything and he will not instantly become a good boy. But, maybe your mom's attention in his everyday dealings will start to help him think about the consequences of his actions. Maybe next time before he does something stupid he will stop and think ahead. He may not see how it will affect him but maybe getting into major trouble with parents will be enough to deter him a little.

Hope your brother shapes up before it is too late.

Good Luck.
Avatar for eliancat2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:24pm
yeah I hope he changes before it's too late too. my brother is 21, and right now locked behind bars and being charged with the class A felony of dealing a very very illegal substance. he may be looking at 30 years in prison. (see my discussion entitled "devastation"). and the beginning of his path that led to this seems to be quite similar to your brother's. he too started drinking at age 14, and later on was arrested a couple of times for possession of marijuana as well as a couple of DUI's. he also recked my ex-boyfriend's (who was his best friend) car last fall by driving it into a "road closed" sign. so my point is, do whatever you can to stop your brother's self-destructive behavior before it's too late. my parents and I have not yet figured out how my brother has ended up like this. it was not because of lack of attention- we have a very caring and small family, and I know my parents always gave us the best in the world. i think it has more to do with my brother's love of the "seamier side of life" as my mother calls it. who knows why. but my parents and I can't and won't blame ourselves. but if you believe it to be a lack of attention on your mother's side, please please have a talk with her. because in a few years, your brother could very well follow the same path my brother has. and my parents are absolutely heartbroken.
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