Can't Deal with Mother and Sister!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Can't Deal with Mother and Sister!
2
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 3:04pm

I will try and make this as short as possible. When I was growing up, my Mother use to get so upset that my Dad was never home. He was a sports instuctor and traveled a lot. I am the oldest of three kids. My Mother would get upset at me and call me names and tell me I was no good and useless. I had enough and drank and just didn't care. At 16 I got pregneant and my Parents said the only way I could keep the baby was to get married. I knew I was going to keep my baby no matter what but I did get married.  My Sister would get into fist fights with my Mother after I moved out. My Mother wasn't and isn't like that every day. There are days that She is very loving, helpful and nice. I've always lived in the next town over. We've had our ups and downs. My Sister ended up just like my Mother. We have good days but I have a huge amount of resentment towards my Mother and a lot towards my Dad. He messed around a lot on Her but I've heard from my Sister that She messed around first on Him. I have tried over the years (I'm 45) to move past this stuff but there are still a lot of issues. Yes I have seen a therapist and She said I need to stop letting my Mother continue to control me and make me feel like I need to do what pleases Her. I called my Sister the other day (Lives in another State) and vented about my Mother. Said I'm tired of Her not being happy with what I say and do. My Sister turned around and told My Mother. I called my Sister and said to Her that it wasn't right She went to Mom.. I was venting and needed someone to talk to. She got mad and started calling me names. I hung up and thats where it's left off. I hate that I don't have a normal relationship with them and wish I could just not care one bit but it hurts so much that I feel like I can't go to my Family. I know others have Family issues but I just feel so alone in this.

Tawna
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 8:22pm

Sorry for what you are going though. I can relate, and you have learned a lesson the hard way. You can´t trust your sister. Never again compain with her about your mom, because you are giving food to a corcodile.

I would suggest you to write letters to your parents (which are never going to be sent), you can say the hardest and meanest things to them there because no one is going to read them. You can burn these letters a a purificaction ritual. ( I have done that) The purpouse of this, is that you take out of your system all the resentment you hold toward them.

About your mom, be close when she is nice and you are feeling well, as soon as things get tought take distance. It is very likely that your mom has a lot of issues, be nice to her but always keep in mind that you are never going to please her no matter how hard you try. So do what you can and want and give the rest to God or the universe or your higher power. (whatever you choose).

About your sister, set a big boundary now because she made a mistake telling your stuff to your mom and for sure she must have hurt her as well.

Have a dairy where you can vent about your mom and sister. Guess we all are in the same boat trying to heal big scars from our childhoods. Try not to be sad, there are things that we are never going to have and it is better to let them go. Let God and let God. Try to form a surrogate family with friends, church or any healing group. 

I guess this is all I can tell you now. Cry as much as you need, be kind to yourself and you wiil find your way and heal.

 

God bless you!

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 2:19pm

You're definitely not alone in having issues with family members. While I know you feel you were only venting, obviously, you can't confide in your sister about other members of your family--she seems to feel a need to step into situations about which you complain. At this point, you hopefully have learned that you need to not involve other members of your family in issues you have with specific individuals. If you want to maintain a decent relationship with your sister, I would suggest apologizing for involving her, hoping she apologizes for calling you names, and staying on neutral topics of interest to you both going forward. Don't entertain conversations with her that involve either of you complaining about other family relationships. Recognize the boundaries of your relationship with your sister and realize that no one will fill every role in your life; so, stop expecting some people to fit into roles that they really can't or won't fill.

Good luck!

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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