Child Support going to the Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Child Support going to the Mom
22
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 1:53pm
Hey, I need to rant or I will explode!!!!

My boyfriends ex-wife has custody of thier almost 17 year old daughter. Since thier divorce, he has to pay her child support (I think $600 something a month). Now, mind you that my BF works 2 jobs, as do I, and we live together, so his finances are my business. Well it seems like not a week goes by where the X is calling him up asking him for more money, and she always has some excuse ("Im 4 months behind on my house note!" "Im 2 months late on my car note!" etc) Plus shes bitching for no reason about her house note b/c her mom owns her land she lives on! I know he forks out at least $100-$300 extra to help her with her shiz niz. as a result is my BF is always in the hole.

His daughter doesnt have a car, she doesnt have a job b/c of extra curricular activities for school. She doesnt even have her license yet. I feel terrible for her that she cannot have those kinds of things like her friends. Plus, the X wont even give her a little spending money even if she does all her chores.

Now, technically, the money my BF forks out should go towards the daughter. Since the X cant manage money, she is always having to ask for more. My BF has done everything he can to appease her and help her out - he's even bought her a cell phone & put it in his name b/c her credit sux. (And what happens? She goes over her minutes!) This is absolutely ridiculous. The X has a full time job, but shes too lazy to get another one, and my BF ends up having to pay for every frigging thing. My BF has to ask me for some cash just so he can take his daughter out to dinner or something. Im so sick of seeing her manipulate him by using the "your daughter lives with me" excuse. He has said hes going to pull the reigns on her with this, but I feel like it will never end even after his girl turns 18. Is it up to me to set the X straight? Obviously hes never going to. What if we get married? I refuse to give his X MY HARD EARNED MONEY just b/c she cant manage it!

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Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 3:16pm
I think that if your BF wants to set things straight, it's up to him. It's not up to you and frankly, I can't see things getting any better if you get involved in it. You would just look like the new honey trying to take a dad away from his daughter - even though that's not what you are doing, that's how it probably would be perceived. I think that since the daughter is 17 and will be an adult soon, you just need to ride this out. Once the kid is 18, any support your BF chooses to give her should be given directly to her, not her mother. Then if she still chooses to live with her mother, then they can work out any financial things between themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 3:37pm
Well I can see what you mean, but I just hate that she manipulates him like that! And he wont do anything about it! Technically its my business since I have to pay my share of everything. His daughter knows Im not trying to keep them apart, things like that. We get along great. But thats his daughters money and the X needs to be using it to support her school and college, not to sit on her ass, eat bon bons, and have her nails and hair done.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 3:44pm
I understand your frustration and I think that the ex is wrong to misuse her daughter's child support. I also understand that this is your business since your BF's finances affect you, but this is still his issue to deal with. I don't see that anything you say to the ex will help the situation at all. Your BF has to do it, and if he wont, then that is a problem between you and him, not you and the x.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 3:56pm
OHHH, ok - I see what u mean now. I just think that if shes going to take our money that she should at least give some to his daughter since its meant for her. I thought about looking up somewhere that could help her out of debt or something. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 4:13pm
I know that you are frustrated, but in all honesty is $600/month a lot of money where the X and daughter live? One full time job, and raising one teenager takes a lot of time, and to expect the X to get a second full-time job is ridiculas. Does this one job pay enough to support the two of them? You never answered these questions in the original post.

Food alone for two people is at least $400/month, so that leaves $200. I am guessing the money that is given to the mom goes for every day expenses, I don't see how it can go for college money. College money is an entirely separate thing. College costs anywhere from $10,000/year to $40,000/year.

Depending on the circumstances of your boyfriend's first marriage, $600/month could be nothing to them. (i.e. was she allowed to work while they were married).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 5:00pm
Yes, it is alot of money 1) for where they live, 2) yes she has a full time job and if she would quit blowing it, it would be plenty to pay her bills, 3) getting a second job isnt ridiclous - some people have to make ends meet. I have 2, so does my BF - hes been doing it for years, raising two kids. I dont want to have to scrape by the edge of my teeth to get by. She doesnt understand the term "Living within your means".

Durning their marriage, he supported her while she finished school and she had a series of odds and ends jobs, but mainly just lounged around and raised the kids. Now she has a fulltime job, and if she really wanted to get some stuff paid off, she could gather up some integrity and get a part time 2nd job instead of whining about it. Their children are old enough to where they dont need a babysitter.

Plus, she makes it to where my BF is in the hole, hence, he works a 2nd job.

My point is, she continues to mooch off him and it pisses me off since frankly its my money too. Its not my fault she dug herself a ditch. But he allows this to go on and Im tired of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 7:56pm
I havent been there so plz dont get offended, but in my opinion if ur not married to him then its really not your business. I understand it does affect u since u live together but IMHO if u two arent legally tied together then its just like a roomate spending their money foolishly. Don't give him money when he asks for it. Tell him what u told us here. He needs to change his habits in my opinion, and let the x know that he is no longer supporting her. He needs to reinforce to her that the child support $ is for just that, not for her personal stuff. As for her getting a 2nd job I dont think thats really necessary it does sound like she needs to change her habits. IMHO if she doesnt then maybe he could get custody of the daughter? To me it sounds like financially the x still has ur bf tied around her finger and it should be between u and him. If he wont change and keeps giving her $ then I would leave him and u might be better off on ur own! Good luck. Rhiannon
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 8:33pm
It really does sound like the X is not living within her means, and your boyfriend doesn't seem to be handling it well. If $600 is enough, then he shouldn't give her more than that. Perhaps your boyfriend can give her the name of a good bank where she can take out a loan (in her name only) in order to consolidate debt. It sounds like the X has a real money problem, and she does have your boyfriend tied around her finger.

It still bothers me a little about what you said regarding the daughter and X. Children need their mothers around. I know that I am a better person because my mom only worked one full time job while raising us. I think that even at 17, the daughter needs a parent around, she shouldn't be home alone at all times of the day. Also, stay-at-home moms don't just lounge around the house all day and do nothing. Perhaps this one did though, I don't know.

I am sympathetic towards single mothers because my mother raised me without any outside help. I saw what she went through, and believe me, the child support wasn't enough, but then again my mom never asked for more. She took responsibility for her actions and gave us a good example. It sounds like this X isn't doing that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 10:04am
You don't have an ex-wife problem, you have a BF problem. I haven't read the rest of the responses, but feel compeled to put in my .10, anyway.

I hate to use the term, but he is enabling the x to be this way because he keeps bailing her out. Your anger is way misplaced. She keeps calling because he keeps doling out cash to this slug. In doing so he takes away from your quality of life together, and keeps her dependent on him. What does HE get out of continueing this relationship? It it HIS priorities that are completely messed up. This is not at all about their DD, but about their inability to separate as a couple. Yeah, he is with you, but as long as he feels and takes responsibility for his X, you are only a concubine.

Whatever extra money is given should be going directly to his DD. SHE should be the one with the cell. I cannot believe that he provided his X with a cell in HIS name. BIG, BIG RED FLAG. At the risk of being redundant, no matter how pathetic his X is, he is still enmeshed with her. Her quality of life should not be his concern, yet, it is. WHY? This is only the tip of the iceberg, and it won't end when his DD graduates from HS. You know he won't do anything about it, are you willing to live with this for the rest of your life? I urge you to reconsider any kind of long term commitment you have with this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 11:18am
You hit the proverbial nail on the head with your response! I was going to respond in the same manner, but you put it so succinctly, anything I would have said would have been redundant.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

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