Conflicted About Rather to Allow Estranged Son Back In Our Lives

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Conflicted About Rather to Allow Estranged Son Back In Our Lives
8
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 4:59am

Recently my husband;s adopted son resurfaced after 9 years absence in our lives even we he lived within the same city. I had sent him messages through f/b inviting him to his fathers fathers day cookout, he was invited to his dad's birthday party but never showed up for anything. But what hurt my husband most of all was when I had told his son that his dad had fallen off a roof and was in the hospital with several broken bones in his back and his son never called or showed any interest in his well being. My husband also when into the hospital for chest pains and I let the son know and he never called came by or showed any interest. He has lived with us for two years until he graduated from high school. Then he just dropped out of our life with on reason or explational. Anyway out of no where his son is trying to reenter our lives and my husband is unwilling to allow him in. We have a 16 year old son who was very hurt when john disappeared from his life. My husband's position is that he is not willing to welcome him in because he has our son to think about and don;t want him to drop in our lives and then drop out again with no answers. My husband does not want to welcome him in with open arms because after all this time has passed we have no idea who we would be welcoming in our home. I think he  should at least meet    and find out what's  on his mind. Should I just stay out of it  and  let my husband work this out on his own?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002

I guess I don't understand if this son has not accepted any invitations from you to meet up, why do you think he wants to do so?   Have you only communicated with him through Facebook or have you spoken with him on the phone?  There has to be a reason why he's been out of your lives for so long, and honestly, Facebook can bring people together but sometimes only to a limited point.  Your husband has valid reasons not to welcome the prodigal son back into the family fold, his guard is up and he's looking out for the welfare of your son.  I would not push this but allow things to happen naturally, if at all.  Sounds like your husband has enough on his plate without needing to worry about this. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004

How so you know he wants to see you again?  Did he just called and said "Hi, how are you?" Didn´t you replied "Why do you want to know, if we have known nothing about you in 9 years?"

 If it was just a phone call you should have asked the reason for it. I don´t think he deserves more than a phone call until, he proves he deserves more.

If it is your husband´s business, let him handle it the best he can. If he regrets what he decides...well, that´s his problem.

dificult situation....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

I have never spoken to or met the mother in the 20 years I  have been married to my husband. She has always communicated directly with my husband via his cell phone. Because the son is grown  there has been no reason for my husband and his son's mother to be in communication, especially since they parted on bad terms. He did call her and asked her if she knew why John suddenly wanted to reunite but she had no answers for him. And was surprised that they had not reunited because he had told her that they had and that he had visited our home.  When he first friended me on facebook over a year ago, I asked him why he had not been for around for the pass 8 years and he just ignored the queston and said he would stop by and never did.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

What about telling him that for you and your dh to even consider allowing him back into your lives, he has a lot of explaining to do. That he should write a letter explaining why he left 9 yrs ago, why there has been little contact since then, why he did not show any concern when his father was seriously injured, why he said he would come to parties then didn't show up, why he wants to resume contact now, and what prompted this sudden desire. If he sends such a letter you will read it and decide if you want to allow contact.

I'm guessing he is in his late 20s so old enough to understand that there are consequences for treating people poorly...so even after reading the letter he may not be invited to see your dh.

Or just follow your dh's lead and ignore him. Are you or your dh on good enough terms with the mother that she could tell you what happened to the son, besides having a drinking problem? I too would be very wary about rekindling the relationship with him, like you said you don't really know "who he is" after all this time, his character, if he wants to take advantage of your dh; or if he truly had a change of heart and wants to make amends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012

"If he is just your husband´s adopted son, I would stay out and accept whatever he decides about his son."

I would go with that, let your husband handle him and try to remain neutral.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

That is the problem we don't know why he just disappeared, we don't know if it was drugs, but from all accounts from his mother he has a problem with drinking and I know from when he lived with us that he smokes weed. He does have a job and has lived with the same woman for about 7 years, it is just a mystery as to why he just stopped all contact with us and suddenly wants back in. My husband and I are both fearful as to what we would be letting back into our lives, but I can't help but wonder if his attitude would be the same if it were our son.

I have been in contact with his son for a while now on facebook so I have been able to see his post and he does seem normal. I just can't help but wonder if my husband said or did something to hurt him and it has taken him this long to get over it. I also know he borrowed money from my husband and never paid it back around the time he disappeared. I know my husband can be very harsh at times and can drive people away. It took a while before he and my older son (his stepson) were able to mend fences because of his harshness.

 I am also somewhat hurt because I treated him like my own son and when he reached out to me on facebook I welcomed him with open arms. Then he broke promisses to me to attend family functions that I invited him to. Fortunately I never told my husband or son I had invited him because I wanted it to be a surprise. I guess I am worried if he and his son don't mend fences he will regret it, I know my husband and he acts like he does not care but I know he does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004

If he is just your husband´s adopted son, I would stay out and accept whatever he decides about his son. You don´t mention for what reason and saying what, he wants to get close now. ¿Has que show some repentance of his attitude?, ¿ Is he seriously ill?, ¿Or he is just interested in asking for help and money? ¿What are his motives? ¿Could it be that he has a hiden agenda? ¿What has he made of his life? ¿Is he married? ¿Does he have kids?, ¿Has he always been a trouble maker?, ¿Is he gay and that´s why he just ran away?

 

I have to agree with your husband, his son has hurt him, his brother and no sure about you. IMPO a family is a relationship we have to take care for. It is not fair to just walk away for 9 years, don´t be interested in your dad´s health, and expect you are welcome back any time you want, just because you are a son. He has taken a family for granted!

In my country there is  a saying that I think has a lot of wisdom " Husbands and grown up kids, for their actions have our love"

 

Just my sense of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012

who?