I need help.
It's hard to know what to say here, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way....
But if at 42, you refuse to move out of their home, my only suggestions would be to keep kissing their a**es, dump your boyfriend, be available anytime they're home to work on their home.
I get that you are an adult, and you are doing your part to maintain the home.
It's time to move out of your parents house and into your own place. Period. There is nothing you can do to make your mother respect you or change how she treats you as long as you live under HER roof. So, you must get YOUR OWN ROOF. Got it?
So she helped you out by allowing you to live with her while you finished your education. Sounds like you've finished your schooling. Do you have a job? If not, why not? Go out and get one so you can get your own place!
If you want to break a dysfunctional pattern the first thing you have to do is establish separate abodes. Your kids will always have the memories of their childhood (just like you do) but they'll quickly adapt and make new memories in a new home. If you make it an adventure; they'll embrace it. If you pout and resist change; they'll
Your 42 years old and shouldnt
People do relate very similar as animals. You are in her place, so she is the boss there. She is the alpha
I hope you will believe me when I say, It's not going to get any better.
Sorry, but I see it a bit differently as far as who is exerting inappropriate control here. Honestly, it struck me as a case of "no good deed goes unpunished." I don't necessarily believe someone should get to do whatever they want when they are basically a guest in someone else's home. You mention taking care of the house when she's away, etc. but still she is doing you this