Dad is cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2011
Dad is cheating
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 11:38am

A couple years ago, I found out that my dad has been cheating while he travels for work (he is away most of the week) because of some condoms I accidentally found in his bag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 12:58pm

I think you first have to make the decision to no longer snoop, and stick with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 1:16pm

Continue therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 4:30pm
I have to agree that this isn't your business. The fact that you know your parents have a sexless marriage is unusual. If either of your parents had that conversation with you there are serious boundaries that need to be established. If your Father said that in his defense then you can't know whether that's true or not.

Continue therapy and continue until you are able to allow yourself to not be involved in their business. Set yourself free from this burden.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Thu, 12-29-2011 - 1:15am

I think when you finally come to th realization that it is really non of your business that you can better deal with it. I find it hard to believe that your mom does not know. I think she knows it and accepts it and has for many years. You have no right to go through your father's things it's a complete invasion of his privacy.

Your parent's marriage is just that, "their marriage" and for 40 years they have been together and you have said he takes good care of both you and your mother. People have all different types of marriage, some woman have absolutely no interest in sex and don't care that their husband get it from else where.

I know it angers you and bothers you as it would most kids. I watched my dad cheat on my mom for years and have outside children. At least your dad has the common sense to use a condom.

Try to focus on your own life, for most of us it's enough to try to deal with our own relationships, let lone be obsessed with our parents. Because the bottom line is your dad is going to do what he wants and no amount of obsessing on your part is going to change it. Once you refocus on your own life you will be a happier person.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 12-29-2011 - 10:11am
I'm sorry you had to find out your Dad wasn't the person you thought he was. It's a hard thing to learn that someone is human. I understand your feelings as my Dad cheated on my Mom several times and Mom made sure I knew even when I was only 5 or 6. But as I grew up, I learned that this wasn't my problem to solve. It was their marriage & therefore their issue. You need to walk away from this and get on with your own life. The only way that this has affected me long term is that my DH knows that he cheats once & the marriage is over.

Also, unless one of your parents has sat you down & actually described their sex life then you can't make judgements on whether it's sexless or not. I have been married 37 yrs & my husband has always loved to joke about how he isn't having sex. I would say that my kids believe he is telling the truth cause they don't want to think of their parents as sexual beings. This is also likely part of your problem. You may be more comfortable with the idea of them not having sex at all. It's a normal reaction for a child regardless of our ages.

Keep up with the therapy & stay out of your parent's personal lives, it's none of your business.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 12-29-2011 - 8:43pm


Continue with the therapy until you have achieved your goal. The suggestion to not allow yourself to snoop is very good. I'm surprised that your therapist hasn't already told you that. If you're not making the progress you hope for with this therapist, perhaps its time to find a different one?

It sounds like you are way too invested in protecting your mother, to the point of an unhealthy role reversal. Did she tell you that they haven't had sex in a long time? If so, you should stop having such conversations with her immediately. If she feels the need to share that type of personal information with someone it should be with a therapist or a close friend, not her daughter. And why do you think that she wouldn't be able to handle learning of his infidelity?