Dad cursed and hung up on fiance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Dad cursed and hung up on fiance!
6
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 12:58pm
Hi, this is the first time I've posted a problem here. I am hoping some of you can offer advice. I am getting married for the first time next month. I am not a kid (40), but this is my first marriage and my parents offered to pay for it. Because they are hosting, it has turned into a much more lavish affair than I would have chosen, but I have been appreciative of their generosity all along. I am the only daughter in the family.

The problem is that they are trying to control every little detail, including the rehearsal dinner, which is being thrown by my fiance's family. Last week my mother was on the phone to me, badgering me about details of the rehearsal dinner. (I guess it is not up to her standards.) My fiance finally took the phone from me and told her to kindly let him handle it since he and his family were throwing it. I thought that was the end of it until the next day, when my mother left me a message about the "disrespectful" way in which my fiance spoke to her, especially since my parents are paying for the wedding. I called her back and said that I stood by him because the rehearsal dinner is his family's party and it was not our place to interfere. I heard my dad in the background cursing and calling my fiance horrible names, and it upset me, so I told my dad he was acting inappropriately and I started crying. He said, why doesn't your fiance talk to me directly? So my fiance called him and told him I was upset and he said it wasn't the first time he had seen me get upset about my parents' badgering. My dad said, "Don't tell me how to treat my daughter!" and hung up on him! My fiance tried to call back, but he didn't answer. Later my mother called and said, "Let's just forget this ever happened."

I am upset about all of this, but also proud that my fiance stood up for me. I just fear that there will be animosity next month when the wedding comes around. Any advice on how to smooth things over? I still am appalled at the way my father behaved and the things he said. He never gave me any indication that he didn't like my fiance, and my fiance has never done anything to hurt me or my family, or anyone for that matter. He's never been anything but nice, except this time when he felt I was being attacked by them.

Thanks for listening!

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 11:30pm
You are so fortunate to have a fiance who knows where his priorities are, and who was able to handle the situation in such a calm and mature manner. I'm sorry for you that your Dad reacted the way he did, and it seems so unfounded.

I can only wonder if your Dad is dealing with the normal feelings of loss whenever one's child marries - especially the only daughter. Of course you're all grown up and haven't been "Daddy's little girl" for quite some time, but maybe he's still feeling that loss, and your mother, too? To me, their meddling and fussing shows they are nervous about the wedding.

I would try to spend a little private time (without the fiance) with your folks, maybe take them out to dinner, to show them you aren't going to be a stranger once you are married. Just try to reassure them that you are very happy and want them to be happy, too. Do something with them that brings back happy memories of times your folks have spent with just you. Since your Dad hasn't shown this behavior before, I'll bet it's just a passing phase that he'll soon get over.

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding, and your choice of a mate! Sounds like you did very well and have a wonderful future to look forward to.

Best of luck and God's grace to you both.

Msfit

                  &nbs

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 2:33am
Wedding preparations put EVERYONE in a very stressful mood. People get separated before they reached the alter! I was 21 when I was going thru where you're now, and we almost just ELOPED and wanted to get it over with. My parents paid for the wedding, planned it, since my dad worked in the same reception hotel, and the rehearsal happened in our basement and parents did all the cooking! His parents lived in California, they flew here in Oregon for the wedding. They have NOTHING to do with anything. I wasn't sure, they even wanted their oldest son married to me, a Filipina girl. But, being married for 25yrs. I could say, I'm glad I went thru with it after all.

I hope your fiance and your dad make up for YOUR SAKE. They're both acting immature. Like I said, they're both in a very stressful situation. True, your parents try to control things, specially you're their only daughter and wants everything 100% PERFECT! ! ! They realized now, they've made a mistake. Big one! Tomorrow, they'll be laughing and you'll have a wonderful celebration. Congratulations and please let us know how your wedding went!

Leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 12:11am
>>> They're both acting immature.<<< No, the fiance was not acting immature at all - he was doing exactly the right thing under the circumstances - supporting his future wife and letting her parents know he does not appreciate their treatment of her. More marriages would be saved if the couple would support each other in this manner. I say, good for them!

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 12:44pm
Thank you both for your advice. Msfit, you are right -- I am lucky to have a fiance who is so supportive. I am astonished, because no one has ever stood up for me the way he did. This all happened a week ago and I still haven't talked to my dad. My parents live about 2,000 miles away, so I won't be seeing them until the wedding. I only hope things go smoothly then. I think the comment about the loss of "Daddy's little girl" is dead-on, although it's kind of odd, too, because my dad has never shown me a great deal of affection. I think it has to do with control -- although I haven't been "his" for a long time, this marriage means there is another man in my life more important than he is. I just wish everyone could get along!

Thanks so much!

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 7:26pm
Elope. Seriously, elope.

You are too old to be dealing with this crud. Your parents think that they are entitled to whatever because they are paying for this lavish wedding you don't want, don't do it. I have a feeling this won't get any better.

Just my 2cents, your mileage may vary.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 11:32am
You are right -- I am too old for this crap. I wanted to elope from the beginning, but my fiance felt like his whole family was depending on him to have a cermony including them. I compromised. Now that the wedding is only five weeks away, people have made plans to travel. At this point it would be rude to a lot of people if we eloped. Yes, I am getting the chance to tell my fiance, "I told you so," but now it is just too late, unless we want to hurt a lot of feelings. AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

Thanks for your comments.

Tracy