Death in the family update

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Death in the family update
11
Fri, 09-27-2013 - 8:14pm

  I did not tell anyone except close friends that I may not go to this celebration because I was keeping an open mind if indeed people followed through and sincerely contacted me.    My cards to the parents and the widow were not acknowledged. 

At the begining of Sept one of my daughter's texted me that a celebration would be the 28th.  I figured more info would follow.  Last week  when I contacted my niecee for her correct address beause my card came back, she  asked me if I was going to my brother's  funeral. so I asked her for more information about it.  She said, it might be the 29th but she was not sure.  Absolutely no one  extended the courtesy to let me know about my brother's service. Was it my responibility to start chasing down the informationation?

Instead, yesterday I see a post on facebook about can't wait to see everyone, getting on the ferry, etc.   On my niece's post she tgged me as one of the ones getting on the ferry with her.   I want to comment with the following.  Because I think she should know this as well as all my kids who will see this. That no one let me know about it.  I did google my brother's name and found an announcement on his website. 

Please give your feedback whether ishould just do what i've always done, ignore it or say something ike this:

"Thanks for the tag. Thinking of you, too but I got no information by which to know to actually be there. Like when, where, etc."

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 10:55am

I don't think you should post this on Facebook because it is childish.  If you have something you want to say to someone, say it to them personally, not a general announcement.  You say that you shouldn't have to hunt down info, but then you say that you found the info on the internet by yourself anyway--most people are able to find out funeral info pretty easily with the internet.  If you feel that you are being excluded by your family & no one cares about you, then don't go, but don't pretend that you don't know about the funeral plans when you actually do.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 5:04am

Thanks for responding.  I think you misunderstood.   Really?  Making a comment,  on a public post in which I was tagged as being somewhere, saying  "I did not get any information about this to know to actually be there."  is childish? Since it was public I wanted to correct that publicly. 

I knew nothing about the funeral plans.  I did not go searching on the internet because as a family member, I figured someone would let me know about the plans.  No one did.

I surmissed there was something going on when I got a notification on my facebook that I was tagged ( publicly) as being there. What a surprise!  Then after that I did google and found a public announcement on his website, but, it was way too late to make the elaborate arrangements I would need to make if I were to go.   I was clearly not included in the family plans and  my reaching out was ignored, as usual.   Talk to someone personally? Who would I talk to?  I have no idea who was responsible for making the arrangements and letting everyone else in the family know about the big party.   My neice who posted that was not responsible.  By simply saying I got no information lets those who hang out there know that it is not me who rejects the FOO even though that is what they want everyone to believe.

 The next day, I did call one of my daughters and asked her if something was going on and told her I knew nothing about it.  She was already there. 

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 11:02am

I agree with Music. If you could call your daughter yesterday, why not just call her a few days earlier and ask about the arrangements? If you needed a ride or something, why not ask for that, too? I think you're blowing this a bit out of proportion. It doesn't sound like they're not speaking to you, but that you are avoiding them in a bit of a passive aggressive way. Of course it was kind of you to send a card, but I don't understand why you couldn't call. I'm sure the other family members were quite busy preparing all of the arrangements, of which it doesn't sound like you were offering help, and people don't usually get invited to funerals, but that's what it sounds like you were expecting.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


-------------------------------------------------
http://www.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 12:30pm

Thanks for the input.   I called my daughter  AFTER THE FACT when I saw the post late at night.  The first I even knew what city it was in  was the night I was tagged with my niece traveling to get there.   There is no way I could drop everything at the last minute to travel two days for a two - three day party, make arrangements for where to stay on a very small island that would have already had every room booked up for this.  I did not need a ride.    I needed some genuine inclusion with straight forward information. 

Right most funeral invitations are not needed but usually the close famiy members are informed  about what is going on.  The rest read about in the paper.  In this case, the locals would have known about it through word of mouth,  and everyone else by direct communication. 

Called my daughter a few days earlier than what? A few days earlier than the maybe date would have been way too late.   The week before the event   my niece had said she did not know for sure when it was so I figured nothing had been nailed down yet.   I just figured  like I got the news of his passing I'd get the information about the party.  I was not going to keep pestering my daughter.  It was just all too, too wierd. 

  OK perhaps I could have pestered  my daughter  every few weeks or days with "do you have any details yet.? " Do you know  anything yet?"  In  addition to not wanting to pestering my daughter, it was more a little test   I was sitting tight to see if anyone would choose to do something different at this time and make a genuine contact with me instead of me always doing the making contact.  Is that passive agressive?   I think the fact that not one person got in touch with me is passive agressive and blatant shunning.

Here is another post by another daughter that I found last night:   I know I need to get over this and move on again. But it has been difficult finding posts like this.: I kow these post re not intended to do so but it sure does rub my face in it.

7 days + 2060 miles + 2 ferry rides + 1 rocking cousins camp + ALL my siblings, nieces & nephews + 2 many grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, & parents 2 count + 4 BFFs - sleep = 1 tired but very happy girl! This is my kind of math!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 2:32pm

I guess you could have asked your DD in advance to let you know when the funeral was planned.  Yes, sitting around waiting to see if anyone contacts you as a "test" is passive-agressive.  It does seem that there is some reason why they don't really care if you are there since they didn't notify you in advance.  In that case, I would just notify someone (like your DD) that it was too bad that you didn't know anything about the arrangements because by the time you found out, it was too difficult to attend.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 4:17pm

You could respond to your niece's FB post with something about how you didn't know when the memorial was, but that's kind of disingenious because you've been saying (in the previous thread from late Aug) that you were not going to attend.  If somebody had called you 3 weeks ago and said "this is the plan" would you really have gone? 

Like the others are saying, if you had really wanted to attend you would have contacted people (such as the widow) to ask to be notified of the details so you could make your travel arrangements. Instead you decided to go the "test" route, see if anybody invited you. And that is passive-aggressive. 

I think you really did not want to go but you were conflicted because a part of you felt like you "should" go, so you left it to someone else to make the decision for you, by not inviting you. Given the nature of your (lack of) relationship with your FOO, including the way the initial notification was made, its not surprising that nobody told you. Maybe your presence would have been awkward for others, and they also chose the path of "if she wants to come she will contact us".

I'm not saying that your choices were right or wrong, good or bad. Just that this situation has a lot of shades of gray when it comes to assigning blame. Back to your original question, at this point I think you should ignore the tag on FB. Its already moving down the newsfeed and to put it back on the top with your comment risks stirring up more family drama.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 5:49pm

ELC you pretty much nailed it.      I"m feeling a bit crazy right now because on one hand I do not want to be a part of this dysfunction and at the same time feeling really left out right now.  The posts on face book just really brought it front and center.

I did post a comment to my niece's post that next day.  I feel what I said and in that circumstance,  it was appropriate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 5:56pm

Yes, if I felt there was at least one supportive person I would have gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 5:58pm

Yes, if I felt there was at least one supportive person I would have gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 5:58pm

Yes, if I felt there was at least one supportive person I would have gone.

Pages