Depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Depressed
22
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 3:23pm

To make a long story short, I'm a 41 year old single Mother of a wonderful 17 year old daughter. As I was growing up my Father constantly fussed and belittled me and has even done so since I have been grown. I could not go on dates

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
In reply to: mom382007
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 4:16pm

As long as he helps you with finances, he will control your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
In reply to: mom382007
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 1:16am

I agree with Ohearto, as long as your father is contributing financially to your life, he's going to feel like he has a say in what goes on in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
In reply to: mom382007
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 6:44am

Thanks for the responses.... My financial situation is not good at the time. My exhusband caused alot of it plus the fact that I get paid monthly. I have been trying to think of ways to decrease my debt. I have a second job and I'm looking for a third. I pay all of my major bills ( house, etc). My Dad helps with car insurance and gives my daughter and I money if we need it before pay day comes. The car she drives is my car which I purchased after getting my first job so it is mine. My Father purchased my vehicle several years ago as a gift. I'm thankful for his help, but I'm just tired of the fussing and belittling. As I said before this has gone on since I was a little girl and it causes me to be sad often. I'm afraid to discuss anything with him because I'm always afraid of what he will say. I have thought about moving to another town, but I do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: mom382007
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 11:46am

I understand you, he seems to be negative and controlling. My mom doesn't´t give me a dime, and she tries to control my life and belittles me as much as possible. So, I´d suggest you and your daughter to start setting some boundaries. Find an article in the internet about boundaries, so you learn how to set them without putting a lot of stress in the relationship. Make changes slowly, probably that might be enough to make him change a little.If he has been like that his whole life, it might take some time.

e.g. I truly appreciate the help you give us, but I feel bad when you______________________________

e.g. I love you, but it makes me sad that you____________________________

e.g. Your my father and I like to have you around, but I feel ____________ when you_____________

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
In reply to: mom382007
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 2:55pm

Thanks so much. I will try those suggestions. I tried something like that once and he blew up at me just like he did today...again. We went over to his house after church and I was putting up some clothes I dried for him. He asked me to take him to the store to get gas for his truck and I told him if he would tell me where the gas can was I would just go. So he told me the can was in the storage room and the key was on the table...long story short, I could not find the key. So I was waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. Then I remembered my daughter had an afternoon band practice so

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: mom382007
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 3:25pm

Please understand that I do realize you have put up with this relationship with your father your whole life and that it seems "normal" to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2011
In reply to: mom382007
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 3:40pm

I'm sorry for your situation. Did something happen to make him start acting like this? Maybe the loss of your mother or someone he cared about?

Has he always been this way? He may have Dementia.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
In reply to: mom382007
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 11:39pm

I think you need to "get out from under" as soon as you can. I know it's easier said than done. I had my share of financial difficulty. I think you should pay off all debts as soon as possible. Step 2 would be to give him the one finger salute and never pick up your phone when he calls again (of course, you will have to wait until all financial ties with him are finished).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
In reply to: mom382007
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 12:24am
The OP's father handled it all wrong, that's for sure.

But those band instruments can be very expensive. If he was worried about having to "replace" it, I bet he bought it.

My father probably would have done the same thing. We're broker now, but much happier.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: mom382007
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 1:09pm

That man sounds like he can't be reasoned with. I don't know how much he helps you with, but I think he is pulling the purse string card. Best to get to place where you don't need his help anymore. There is nothing worse in life than coming from a place a place of weakness. It's human nature to lord over someone, when given a chance. It's best to have equal footing in any relationship.

Write how a budget and pay the debt with the highest interest rate first (while sending the other creditors minimum payments). When that is paid off, then pay off the creditor with the next highest interest rate. Rinse and repeat until all debts are paid off. I recommend you read "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. He gives great advice and the book is very educational in financial matters.

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