Desperate need of everyone help.

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Desperate need of everyone help.
5
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 2:14pm
Here is the situation, I posted before that my FIl has cancer, well, it has spread everywhere now. The doctors cannot or will not give a time frame, since the cancer is now in his brain, they just do not know how it will progress from here on.

Dh and I have been traveling the 12 hours round trip since last October when he became ill. At first I spent 2 weeks at a time caring for him, then the family got together and we split the time better between us. I now spend 5 to 7 days a month caring for him.

Yesterday we were informed that my DH siblings want everyone there this weekend for a family conference on what to do next. Dad does not want outside help, nor does he want to be placed in a "home". We did at one time hire sonmeone to help out but things happen and one sister was causing too much of a conflict, another not paying her share and so on!

Here is the problem, our DD, is expecting her 2nd child in 9 weeks. Due to major complications in the pregnancy, the doctors are monitoring day by day and we anticipating that they will deliver the baby by c section within the next week if not earlier. So we will be needed at her home soon. Then to be blunt, all the traveling, helping pay for dads care, extra motel rooms and food and generally having to handle so much, we are very strapped finaicially.

We just cannot afford two different trips. If the doctors decide to deliver the baby, what funds we now have will have to be used to get to DD. If we go to Dads and they decide to take the baby, then we will be in another state and it will cost more. Our first thought was to split up, I would go to DD and Dh to his Dads, but this baby will be a 31 week premmie (just like her big brother) and I know DH will want to be there.

We have already exhausted our savings, taken out a loan with the bank to help with Dads care and we cannot do much more. any ideas, suggestions. has anyone else had to deal with something like this before???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 10:21pm
You are in a tough situation. I feel for you.

People of your FIL generation don't realize how hard it is when they refuse help (and he really is). He doesn't know that the strain on you emotionally, physically, and financially is something that will linger long after he is gone. Of course, the easiest thing would be to get help or put him someplace that he can live but he won't. I am so sorry.

That being said, I think it is time that you take care of yourself and your family. Tell your in-laws that you just cannot take time away from your daughter right now. Hopefully, they will understand.

Tell them that you can tele-conference if they must do it this weekend, or that they can summarize it later for you. If you can, try to get them to postpone this for a little while. Maybe if you and your hubby get together a list of what you think should happen and give it to them (fax or email), then you can have your input.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 11:59am
I agree with the previous post. Teleconferencing is the best way to go, most telephones will do it, so no need to spend extra money. Office depot will have excellent phones for tele-conferencing if necessary. Video conferencing will work too, but that is more difficult.
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 3:32pm
Goldie,

I am so sorry that your fil has gotten worse and needs more care than before. I am glad to hear that the rest of the family has been more involved in his care.

What did you guys decide about this week-end?

I would sit down with Dh and map out just how much you are willing to do. It may be time to make choices for his dad. Does someone have power of attorney? If not, one of the children need one right away. He may not be able to put up much of a fight for too long. But present his family with a list of what you are willing to do. Tell them you can make one trip a month and stay for how ever many days. Put a cost on the trip. Tell them you can put X amount of dollars towards his care, subtract the cost of the trip and present what is left over. Also make them aware that, if needed, you would have to back out to care for your daughter and grandchildren. They have to come first in your life.

If no one else is willing, collect the information that is needed to make informed choices. Find out about medicare and medicaid. Look into the nursing home available. Have that information ready for everyone to see.

I pray that all will go well with your daughter and new grandbaby. Let us know how it is going on both fronts.

Melissa

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 7:45pm
Thank you for the info and help, all was needed and welcomed.

We now have an additional problem..My older brother and I mean older, 20 years to be exact was just diagnosed with bone cancer and has about 3 months if he is lucky. So now I have to deal with that.

On Dd. they are hoping to wait at least 2 more weeks before they have to take the baby. so it is now day by day with her.

On my FIL, that has become a night mare. Fil, has put all his wishes on paper, all thru an attorney, but he appointed my Dh younger brother to handle it all...that is causing a major uproar in the family. This is the brother that has always caused major dissension in the family, he is Dads favorite and it is very clear! He also let all the kids see his will. He has LEFT everything including his insurance to this one son. I mean it...he has left every single item, car, house, furniture...everything to this son. According to FIl, it was the easiest way to do things and that his son, has a letter with instructions to sell everything and to split all the proceeds equally to all the kids, including the insurance. He said this one son has promised to do it. According to the lawyer even if Dad gives him instructions that he is do it, nothing in the law will make him do it. In other words even though everyone has been told that it is all going to split equally, unless this one dear son decides to do it, no one can make him, the will clearly leaves him everything!

Dad is also refusing any type of home health care, nursing home, any thing. He also has put this one son in charge of all his finances and medical care decisions.

Last night this one son told us that he would do what he wanted...and all of the rest of the kids could just shut up! So we have sent months taking care of dad and now been told to go to H**L!

I have decided all future trips on DH shoulders not mine. I have my brother to worry about and DD.

Sorry about the book, I am just so fed up with it all!!!!!

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 6:00pm
By all means, if this son has totally control and is getting everything, bow out. I wouldn't do another thing for the family. Maybe you and DH can take a trip to visit him once in a while, because you love him and respect him as being the father. But you do not have to care for him, you do not have to put money towards his care. Let his beloved son take care of everything. I'm not saying to drop the father. You still want to be supportive, send cards and call. But you are not responsible to care for somebody because they say you have to do it.

I'm glad that your DD made it through the week-end. Everyday spent in the womb helps to get the baby healthier and stronger. I hope that she can rest and spend time doing good things for herself. The baby needs her to be as healthy and peaceful as possible.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I know that you will find the strength to support and love your brother even with everything else going on in your life. Maybe you can put together a scrap book of cherished times together, memoried that you will both enjoy reliving. Help him to see the good in his life and the difference he has made in his time here. Most of all, I pray that he is ready to stand before the Lord.

Please remember to take some time for yourself as well. Take a bath with only a good book and a lock on the door. 20 minutes can to wonders.

Take care,

Melissa