Desperatly need sum advice on what to do... :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Desperatly need sum advice on what to do... :(
6
Sun, 10-30-2011 - 5:57pm

I'm in a situation and I really don't know how to deal with it? I'll try to make it as short as possible. I have a difficult relationship with my family(bros, sis, mother). I am the youngest child & i was adopted. I grew up in a very disfunctional family. I went through things that no child should go through. My relationship with my mother & sister has always been rough. I really never had a relationship with my brothers being that they are so much older then me and moved out of the hs when i was young. To get to the point i will just jump to wuts going on now. I am married with children of my own. Ever since i got married, i never lived near my family because of my dh job requiring us to move alot. Through the yrs I became more & more distanced from my family. It has gotten to the point where they have become toxic to me. My brothers treat me like i'm the one causing problems in the family and i'm the one who doesn't comunicate with them. One brother has really hurt me with the things he has said to me. To make it short, i feel that in order to keep my sanity i have to cut ties with them. The things they have said to me has caused my dh to want nothing to do with them. My niece is getting married the day after thanksgiving & she wanted all of her cousins to be in her wedding. Well, I live far away & would have to purchase 6 plane tickets to get there & can't afford it. My mom calls me every day asking if i'm coming to the wedding. I told her i can't afford to come. She keeps calling me trying to guilt me into going by saying stuff like it wouldn't be the same without you here. Honestly, with the way i've been treated by them these past couple yrs, I really don't want to see them. I am so devistated by the things they've said to me & have done to me. I told my mom what one of my brothers has said to me & she just says that's the way he is. She makes excuses for all of their behavior. I've tried over and over to hold out an olive branch but only to get slapped with it. I'm at the point now where my feelings are numb when it comes to them. I wish it wasn't the case but they pushed me away. My question is at what point does someone finally say enough? When do you cut off contact with family that has been so toxic to you? I'm in shock that things have gotten as bad as they have. I just don't know what to do anymore?

Kathi Taylor
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 1:13am

When should you cut it off from family who is abusive towards you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 12:59pm

I am in a similar situation as you are, having a dysfunctional family and feeling the need to distance myself. It sounds like you've had enough of the dysfunction and need time away from it all! I don't blame you.

It seems like they are making you the "scapegoat" and blaming you for things that are not your fault. Scapegoating is common in dysfunctional families. Just know that what they are saying is not true--you are not to blame! And it seems they just want you to go along with what they want, and aren't respecting what you want. Who needs that!

It's wrong for them to say hurtful things and lay guilt trips on you! I think it's time to stop taking their phone calls (or emails if they are emailing).

If you can't afford to go to the wedding, or don't want to go, then there's nothing wrong with that. They should respect your "no." If they don't, then it's really their problem.

Please know that you are not alone in having difficult family stuff and wanting to distance yourself from the craziness! You need to take care of you, first and foremost. Best wishes to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 1:21pm
Thank y'all for your replies. This has been very difficult for me. I have spent my life seeking aproval from my family & have always felt like i didn't belong. It hurts like heck but I do believe it's time for me to seperate myself from them.
Kathi Taylor
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 2:12pm

Listen to your instincts. If they are telling you it's time to put some distance there, then perhaps that's what is needed.

I would send your cousin a letter. Perhaps even ship her a gift, if you can afford it, and let her know how much you'd love to be a part of her wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 4:11pm

You just say no.....there isn't any reason that you need to continue to take their abuse about how you should be there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2010
Wed, 11-02-2011 - 4:55pm

Why continue to seek the acceptance of a family that treats you so terribly?