Did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2012
Did I do the right thing?
4
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 12:25pm

Hello Everyone!

I'm new to this particular board. I just needed to vent and I am very interested in hearing any response good or bad. 

I finally had a breakdown today and feel I've made the right decision. Maybe I am acting like a child but it feels right for once.

My kid's aunt (my ex sister in law, but we remained friends so to speak) keeps playing what appears to be mind games with 

my two kids. She's done this for years and it has gradually gotten worse and worse. What she does is call here and speak

to the kids saying that she will come by and take them out, have a sleepover at her house, etc, and the kids get all excited

about this and as of the past year especially, this aunt calls last minute saying she cannot see them. Always calls and 

always makes plans and ALWAYS breaks them. We only saw her one time this past year, which was back in May. 

What kind of person keeps doing this? I understand things come up, but she has lied about some of them. There are

times where she says she had to work unexpectedly, go to the doctors, go to a wedding when in fact I've found out

she was spending time hanging out with her friends partying or seeing other family members. She always goes out

of her way to see the other niece and nephew, who live out of state. In fact, about 3 weeks ago she spoke with my

son telling him that she wanted to visit at the end of this month, but what do you know? She doesn't come and sees the

other family / friends instead. She will call once or twice a month, every month, makes plans, and cancel them. I thought

I was doing good by letting my kids speak with their aunt when she calls, but I think it is just hurting them more. 

Now onto the childish part on my end. Already being angered by the whole situation, what ultimately did me in was (trust

me I hate to say it) Facebook. She and I have been friends on there for quite some time. But, after seeing all of the 

pictures of her hanging out with other friends and family, and some posted only hours ago, I deleted her from friends.

She probably won't even notice that for the next few months to a year. 

Oh yeah, one day my son shocked even myself and got a hold of his aunt and told her how he felt. He basically said that

his feelings were hurt and he is sad when she makes plans and breaks them and that he really wanted to see her. He

asked why she does this all the time. Well, of course there wasn't a good excuse.

So now she is off of my Facebook and her number is blocked. It might sound bad but it finally feels good and a relief now. 

I know you shouldn't shut out your family, but she did this to herself, IMO. I am in no way hoping she comes crawling back.

I hope she doesn't. I can't believe she can do that to a 7 and 10 year old. Frown

That's pretty much all of it. Has anyone been in the same shoes? How did this work out for you? Has that person come

back eventually or never to this day? 

Thank you for you time!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 2:08pm

I haven't been in that kind of situation but I think you did the right thing--it's totally unfair to do that to kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 6:58am

My ex used to do the same thing, it would really hurt me when our son would have a chair up by door looking through the peep hole for his father, who never showed. Because of my situation I did not have the option of cutting off all communication with my son's father. Unfortunately there are people who make promises that when they make them they have intentions of following through but for what ever reason don't follow through. You followed the passive aggressive route, but I am a firm believer in telling people what they did wrong that way they don't have to wonder what is the problem. I think a more mature thing would have been to tell their aunt...when you make promises to the children and don't follow through it hurts their feelings. In the  future please make any plans through me and don't tell the kids and call me before you come. That way the kids won't be disappointed if you don't show. Then she will be mindful of her conduct and knows what she has been doing wrong. That's what I did with my ex, he then started showing up without calling first and it was inconvient but at least my son was surprised instead of disappointed. 

Good luck

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 12:03pm

I don't think you did anything hurtful to her, I would've deleted her from facebook too.  I don't think, TBH, she will even notice or care.  She sounds selfish.  I agree, if she calls to make plans, in the future, then she goes thru you only  you can tell her, the reason why and also tell her, if she makes anymore plans with kids, then cancels again? Don't bother calling back to make anymore plans. That will be the only way, she will get the message.

good luck!

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:22am

Thank you for all of your posts!
 

I am 39 weeks pregnant today. Yay! After a few days I thought about my post and was thinking really hard maybe I shouldn't have done that?  (My mom says that I've been extremely hormonal and acting before I think). Still, I don't think it would make any bit of difference even if I had spoke to the kid's aunt myself. I am saying this because I have tried that conversation before a few years ago and it didn't get better. She seemed defensive and in denial claiming that whatever it is that comes up really is and she can't help it. So, rather than go through all of that hassel with her again, for me, it's just easier to avoid contact completely, for a while anyway.

I agree if / when there is future contact there will be no more of her speaking directly to the kids herself and making these "plans." I have a feeling though that she won't be contacting us any time soon.