This is a Dilly; Advice Needed.....

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Registered: 01-18-2006
This is a Dilly; Advice Needed.....
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 11:48am
This is a good one......I welcome ANY insights.......


My family is quite large..... Originally 7 in the family (including parents who are still married). So, originally there were 5 kids. Today we are all married & all have atleast one child.

We do not understand the oldest child: My bro (& his wife)...... The whole rest of us are simply exasperated with them - have been for many years. WHAT IS THEIR DEAL???

My bro is the oldest. He's now 47. He's always been "different" - in that he's sorta nerdy. Not real popular in school. He's the one of the 3 brothers who has a lot of emotion - cries, very moody.... He always has resented being a "III" (namedsake to my dad).... He says Daddy has always been disappointed in him - but there's no evidence. He's always been somewhat religious. I think he's the only one of us 5 who was a virgin at marriage. (Married at 24). He's VERY FRUGAL. He attends therapy & has for years.

They have a child who they treat like a GODDESS. All the other nieces & nephews are not their priorities - they even express they don't like to be around them sometimes.....and disapproval often at ways they are being raised by us others- which is not bad - just different than them.

He was the last of all of us to graduate college. (He worked on the school newspaper at age 34 !!??) His wife worked while he finished college. Now the both of them are hellbent on her staying home w/their only (spoiled) child. He can't ever seem to find a job that he likes. Finally he seems to have found one under a COUNTY!

They are ALWAYS LATE to any family functions. Like they're making a statement - or that they're not going to adhere to anyone ELSE's rules! They're always late -sometimes by MONTHS of acknowledging nieces/nephews birthdays. The little ones get confused -they don't understand. The rest of us seem to be able to make it on time.

They complain about not having money when the rest of us do. I believe in staying home w/kids but, by golly, if that's their priority, WHY do they bitch about not as much money as all the others of us ??????

The two of them have RANTED & RAVED at EVERY conversation about my (& my bro's) parents for YEARS. My mom is a packrat - they simply can't get over beating that dead horse. Like she's going to change. My dad just can't do anything right to suit them. They have their flaws, but they're really loving good parents!!!!

Bottom line with my bro & sisnlaw - DAMNED IF YOU DO; DAMNED IF YOU DON'T.


NOW - they live outta town. My parents have trudged (driven 14 hours) EACH WAY -- TWICE A YEAR to visit them for about 10 years. Wow!

My bro has always complained to me that sometimes they'd combine a trip to visit them with a meeting in a nearby state that my dad had to go to. He RESENTED the fact that he COMBINED the trips. Does it not make sense in saving time, $, & trouble ????????????

Would he rather they go to the nearby meeting & not stop to see them??

Currently, Bro & Sisnlaw are having a lot of structural problems w/their frugal house - flooding, plumbing, construction etc.... Well, my mom thinks they'd be imposing to visit them now & told them & my folks have decided not to go til next spring (in order to avoid a bitter winter).

What does my bro do??? Gets mad - tells me that there must be another reason - that their "consideration" is not acceptable & implied that they just must not want to see them!!!!!! arrrgghghh!!! My mom is trying to be thoughtful. Explain this to me. With as much trouble as they've gone to in the past to visit them & now he's complaining.

The two of them incessantly complain about my parents.: They are in terrible shape, they drive bad, they are doing stupid things w/their money, they are leaving a "squalored" house for us kids when they die. Is there something underlying all this?

Lately, they're complaining about us siblings (I'm sure more than I know)..... Lately, they say there's a serious lack of MATURITY in our family --- they are trying to say that they think we drink & don't go to church enough - I believe. We are DECENT people - all of us & we raise decent families. I'm not saying we all don't drink - but we're not drunks & we don't have squalor houses & we all have had sex before marriage.......

They complain because NO ONE ELSE will get on their bandwagon to pick on our parents.

Since my (OUTTA STATE)bro was REPLACED as their executor with my INSTATE 2nd brother, they've done nothing but bitch about the "job" he's doing......(I think there's some jealously & resentment there) They say if he's not going to get on that bandwagon & bitch directly to my parents about their squalor house & "bad" (in THEIR opinion) decisions about money that HE should be replaced w/"someone" who can do the job......


I wonder how they're going to feel when my parents do die???? Why does my sisnlaw have the right to talk so badly behind their backs????

IT'S JUST ALWAYS SOMETHING. What is the real problem here??????

WHY is that all they want to do - complain?????? Is INSECURITY the word??? or Jealousy? or what???? What can my family do??? Is it just to make them feel better? Why do they do it all the time?

I've wondered sometimes if he is really gay - b/c he just can't seem to find his nitch.

Sorry for the long message - I'm really upset! I hope someone will tell me what they see in this.....

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Registered: 06-02-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 10:46pm
I dont mean to be mean, but I read your whole post 3 times thru, and I am so confused. I just dont see why you care about alot of this stuff. Please no offense but u and ur other family sound VERY hard to get along w/. It sounds like its always sorta been ur older brother against the rest of u. And it sounds like there is absolutely NO room for diversity in that family, which I think is sad. I mean, what do you care if your brother was nerdy and not popular in school? How does it affect YOUR life that he is moody and emotional, religious, attends therapy, resents being a "III" and maybe even resents your father? I just dont see why u care so much if he was a virgin at marriage (in fact I think its a lil weird that u even KNOW that) and who cares if he and his wife are frugal? I DO agree it would be annoying to hear them talk about their priorities and then gripe about having no money when its kinda their choice. I think that your brother is a grown man. ALL of that stuff, including how he and his wife run their life or treat their daughter, is NOT any of your business. You seem to be so BOTHERED by him going to college for so long and working on the school paper, etc, but I just do NOT see what u care!?!?! Also I know if I had nieces and nephews, I would care about them, BUT I definitely think my own child would be about 1000 times MORE important to me than the nieces and nephews, I think that is fine actually. Of course this is just my opinion, but honestly I just dont get it. Maybe I am seriously missing something. You said that they just can't seem to get over your mom's ways and are beating a dead horse wanting her to change, well I think maybe u are doing the same thing w/ your brother and HIS ways, if u just step back 4 a min and look at it. I think its great that u love ur parents and take up for them when ur bro/sis in law complain about them, but honestly I think unless ur parents are so frail that they cant think for themselves (which it doesnt sound like) then u and the other siblings should just stay out of it, and let your bro and parents work out their own issues. I hope this doesnt come across too mean, like I said, all I have to go on is the post u wrote, but from that post, I am SO confused and I just don't see what u have to be so angry about regarding ur oldest bro...PS, I think it was SO tacky for u to come to the conclusion that "maybe he's gay" I mean SO WHAT if he was!?!?!? I hope that u find some common ground with him, I really do. Or just live ur separate lives and be happy...

Edited 10/8/2003 10:55:45 PM ET by redrumrhiannon

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 7:45pm
I'm a bit confused, mostly about how not being able to find one's nitch means that one is gay.

I think that there is a lot of misunderstanding and/or unwillingness or innability to consider another point of view, and I think that this is on both sides. It sounds like you are willing to consider his side, but there does come a point after so much complaining that you just want to tell someone to get over it. It may be time for you to tell your brother exactly that. Your parents are adults who have the right to use their time and resources however they choose and are under no obligation to leave their children anything and in any condition the choose to. You don't have to listen to him complain any more than you are obligated to agree with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, but let him know that you love him and want to continue having contact, but that you just cannot listen to him put your parents down anymore or to his other complaints about family.

About his problems, even though you grew up in the same family, you have had completely different expereinces. Because your expereince was good doesn't mean that his wasn't hell. He may well have reason to complain about being a III and about being the oldest. So, you might want to give him a break on that point. The thing is, his issues with your parents should be between them. Tell him that if he has a problem with your parents that he needs to speak directly to them, and then change the subject. Honestly, it sounds like your parenst made a good decision to change executors.

Your brother sounds pretty self-involved, elitist and anal, even so, I just don't understand the gay reference. This is a bit of a sore point for me for many reasons. My job history was spotty for several years after I graduated from college. I found out that my chosen profession was not for me, then I floundered for several years in jobs that lasted no more than 6 months with periods of unemployment. I, too went to college later in life, and I admire anyone who has the balls to do it. I know what I want to do now, and have been stable for over a year now. Even though I am 38 and have finally found my niche, I can confidently say that I am heterosexual and was so during my nicheless period. I, too, am the only one in my family that has very serious problems with my mom. My siblings consider her to be a saint, while I see that her halo is a cheap plastic ring with the fake gold plating flaking off and is held in place by duct tape. This also has not affected my sexual preferences. I, too, have refused to allow my children to be around my niece and nephew without me around because of the way my sister chooses to raise them, and I have been vindicated several times for this particular policy, yet, I am not gay. I have several friends who are on the gay end of the spectrum who have been much more stable than me both financially, and emotionally. I know you are reaching for straws to explain his behavior. Be careful which straw you reach for.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
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Registered: 01-18-2006
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 2:42pm
Sorry - did not mean to offend.......

Perhaps the part about wondering if he was gay simply did not belong in this posting.

It is certainly not because he has floundered looking for a job.

It is a side thought I've had in relation to him - because he hasn't ever seemed to fit in - like he hasn't found his niche (not jobwise) - invents my dad's disappointment on himself when it doesn't even necessarily exist - along with other rather feminine characteristics that I know about him......'

I don't really have a prob w/homosexuals. My traditionalist dad would - esp if he knew one of his offsprings was one.

Thanks for all your thoughts in re: to this situation...... Just wanted to clarify.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 9:14pm
I am not sure I agree with the other poster's about everything, but I can see the points they made. Without realizing it sometimes, I think most of us (including me) hold our family at a higher standard than we do others. We grew up with them and expected to be happy "normal" adults with "normal" family relationships (whatever normal is to each family). But most of our siblings are VERY different and it is hard for us to not get irritated with them at times. When we do get irritated I think we all try to analyze why they are the way the are (and I even try to figure that out about myself sometimes too). Does this sound right to anyone else? Anyway I think that the original poster was just venting and in doing that she was trying to figure out why her brother is so different by letting all her thoughts out. I do not think she meant any harm by the gay comments. I think she was just trying to make sense of her brother. At one point I truly thought my brother was gay (I just never confided that in anyone). Not that I do not understand anyone expressing their opinions about the gay comment. I too have gay friends and it is heartbreaking to see them suffer with some peoples ignorance. I just did not get the feeling that the original poster meant that in a bad way at all.

With that said, the first thing I would like to say is that your parents DEFIANTLY did the right thing with changing the executive of their estate. My parents had to do that last year because my brother moved out of state. It is WAY to hard to keep an out of state executor. Not to mention the fact that any lawyer would tell your parents to use someone in state. With the passing of all 4 of my grandparents over the past 10 years, I have been able to see first hand how difficult it is for out of state family to take care of simple belonging's let alone a whole estate! And would you believe that my family did it without any disagreements about anything?

I know a girl that is always complaining about something! It gets so old that I avoid her 90% of the time! I cannot imagine having family that does that. He sounds like he is pretty self centered as far as the family around him go. My big thing I tell my kids is "You cannot change the people around you to make yourself happier. You have to change yourself and your ways of handling them in order to deal with people like that constructively"! Unfortunately I do not always live by that.

Other than family gatherings where I see my sister, I cut ties with her because of a million reasons. (If I told you everything you would understand) I am much happier now because I no longer have all the headaches that she brought to my life.

Your brother just sounds like one of those people that are never completely happy unless he is complaining about something. You can't change a person like that and even if you tell him, it will probably not change (if he is as bad as you say he is). The only reason I say that is because of the girl I know who is like that. It is always everybody around her that is to fault. It is never her! We have asked her on more than one occasion "Why are you always complaining and never seem happy"? It would shut her up for a while and then she would go back to being the same way again!

Sorry I do not have any advice for you. But I am sorry that you are having to go through this. It has to be stressful! Best of luck to you.