Disappearing Dad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Disappearing Dad?
3
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 4:39pm
I have a dilemma w/my dad that I don't know what to do about. My parents have been divorced since 1990, soon after that dad moved in w/my aunt, his sister-in-law, after her husband died,(my mom's brother). They lived together for about 10 yrs. Then in 2001 he moved out. I was married in June 2001 and my dad and I started communicating more. But that didn't last long. He remarried in Dec 2001 to a woman he reconnected w/on classmates.com. They had only been back in touch for a month b4 they got married! I was very shocked and a little hurt since we just started becoming closer to one another for the first time in my life, then he ups and moves away, and w/a woman I knew nothing about! We had never been close b4 but I felt like there was hope to deepen our relationship after he had moved out of my aunt's. I was wrong. The past year or so has been hard because I have a sister addicted to prescription drugs, in treatment now, and since my dad moved away from us, I barely see him and never talk to him anymore. And this is a time in my life where I could use his comfort and support. We were emailing occassionaly for a while but it has been a few months since the last I heard from him. I keep emailing him to see what's going on and he won't respond. I'm actually starting to get a little worried about him now, 'cause this really isn't like him to completely disappear. Normally I would hear from him at least once a month or so.

Another thing is I've never met the new wife! When they first got married I flat out refused to meet her. I was very uncomfortable with the whole idea. On one hand, I was happy for him to find someone to be with at this late stage in his life, I hated the thought of him living alone, but on the other hand I feel like he is using this new marriage to avoid getting closer to me and staying in touch with me. He's never been one to initiate a relationship, never expresses his feelings or his love very well, if at all, one big reason he and my mom divorced. I wasn't mean when I refused to meet her, I just simply wasn't ready, especially since they practically bombarded me w/emails at first, trying to make plans to meet. They started backing off a little but I would hear from him from time to time. Then when he was making plans to come to see me or my sister, she would conveniently not be able to make it- this happened on many occasions. First she was available every weekend, then suddenly was no where to be found?? It was very extreme, all very odd. Now I never hear from him at all.

I'm at the point where I need to make a decision, should I try calling him? I do have his phone # but feel weird calling out of the blue, especially if the wife answers! What would I say? What if I can't get back in touch with him, should I just move on? I don't want to give up on him. I think I'm at the point now, over a year later, to see him and meet his wife but he won't respond. What should I do?

Sorry this is long! Thanks for reading and letting me vent!

Jenny

 baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 5:03pm
I called my dad! I actually got to talk to him. I feel better. He has just been busy and is bad about calling and writing back. I am going to visit him and his new wife(suposedly) next weekend. We'll see how it goes! =)

 baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 9:57am
This is very good advice. Thank you! It helps me to hear from someone w/a similar situation and put in those words. It's the same w/my sister now too, so it's like a double whammy on my heart! It hurts but you're right, they have my phone #'s and email so they can contact me if they want too. I am trying to move on and enjoy my life w/my husband and people who are in my life right now. It's exhausting living in the past! Not to sound conceited but they just don't realize how much they're missing out on by keeping me out of their lives. I'm planning on getting pregnant, hopefully this year. It will be sad for me if they're not apart of that because I will miss them, but I think it is their greater loss in the end. I just hope they realize this soon or one day. thanks again for your insight!

Jenny

 baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 5:59pm
I have had a similar problem with my sister. She doesn't return calls, etc. and I became worried and concerned about her, and whether or not I did something wrong, etc. She never answered my letter until I said something to my parents about it. Then after we got in contact again, we wound up arguing and we are back to the same no communication unless I call her first.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if your father wants to talk/see you, he would call. I know how it feels to have someone not keep in contact with you. It seems that you have tried, but he has never seemed interested in having a close relationship.

What I have done is I have been trying to accept the fact that my sister just doesn't want a close relationship with me. It is a very hard thing to accept, but since I have been trying to accept it, it has been easier on me in dealing with her. I don't stress myself out trying to be so close to her or try to contact her. I feel if she wants to contact me, she can, and she knows my e-mail address and my work and home phone numbers.

So it isn't like she doesn't know where I'm at. I think it is a similar if not the same thing with your Dad.

Who knows? Maybe his wife doesn't want him to have contact with his kids. I have heard of that before. That would be mean on her part, but it does happen.

Hope this helps a little. Sorry I can't be more optimistic, but from personal experience, I can tell you trying to get close to someone that doesn't call back, etc. is heart-wrenching at best.