Dislike daughters boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Dislike daughters boyfriend
9
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 5:36pm

All you moms, I really need a talking too, I think!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 5:48pm

I probably wouldn't want to hear it either if I was a daughter of this age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 5:48pm

Hmmmmm I think I would be right there with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 7:28pm

Oh boy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 05-08-2011 - 9:06pm

hi......

Well speaking as a daughter and not a mom.....

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Mon, 05-09-2011 - 11:40pm
"In the beginning my daughter would tell me the 'red flag' stuff he would do, but once he realized she was talking to me about him, he told her to stop! It is causing a ton of stress between my daughter and I, several fights with me telling her that I was not going to sit back and keep my mouth shut about a guy handing her a bouquet of red flags. Anyway, talking about him is now of limits if I want to talk with my daughter."

I don't have my own kids yet, but I will say that I don't think it's weird for a couple to keep their issues private and between themselves. You do realize that your daughter probably told him that she was sharing their issues with you, right? I don't think the guy is wrong for feeling uncomfortable having grievances of his significant other shared with her family. It's not easy for outsiders to get the whole story of issues that occur in a relationship, and while she might want to cry to you when things aren't going perfectly, you probably aren't getting the full picture of issues being resolved or managed--people don't seek support when things are going well like they do when things seem to be problematic; so, the supporters often get a skewed picture of the relationship overall.

I also think that not opening a car door is not a red flag. Sure, some guys are nicely gentlemanly, but some guys aren't and this isn't necessarily a significant character flaw in my opinion. Again, you likely aren't fully aware of whatever else he does that's great for your daughter and keeps her invested in the relationship.

Obviously, I can't know if the guy really has chosen a new career for your daughter, which would be weird, but I don't think that making plans for relocation is out of the ordinary for people who are in a relationship either. I wouldn't probably consider relocating after a couple of months, and I'm 32, but maybe at 43 I'd want to move more quickly.

As much as you might want to yell, I'd encourage you to remain calm. Don't bring up the guy unless you can talk without yelling, especially if she's asked you to avoid that topic because of the yelling that's been taking place. Find something else to focus on in your conversations, and maybe even build a new tradition with your daughter, like going to coffee together for a midday break from the family business. If you're concerned about her falling for someone that doesn't truly care about her, show her better how people who care act so that she can choose more wisely.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 3:09am

We mothers come to a point in life where we do have to let our daughters make their own mistakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 12:11pm
Thank, very well worded. She is super defensive about him, as he is perfect in her eyes. I think she actually know better.
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 12:46pm
As a Mom whose daughter is marrying the guy I haven't liked for the last 8 yrs they have been together, don't say much. It's not worth losing her because of your feelings towards him especially if your red flags are actual issues. She will need to know that you are there to support her regardless of what comes her way without any I told you sos. You can tell her calming if you feel she is in danger from him but let her know that whatever decision she makes, you are always there for her. It's her decision if she doesn't open doors, fuss over her, etc..

My future SIL is thoughtless, self centred, verbally abusive and they are so wrong for each other. However, he is her choice & they have our DGS together. DD will do everything to make this marriage work. However, when it fails as I expect it will, we will be there to support her whenever & however she needs it. She knows she can come home anytime.

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 3:16pm

I would need to run the background check and if I knew they were accurate would.