Do you think I'm wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Do you think I'm wrong?
9
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 9:37pm
I received an invitation for a bridal shower for my cousin and the girl he's engaged to. I've never met her, and didn't even know he had been dating someone until I was informed he had picked a date for the wedding. The shower (and wedding) is taking place out of town - at least 7 hours away by car. I was told before that the 'out-of-town' relatives and friends weren't going to be receiving invitations for either the 'engagement party' (What is that? It was never even acknowledged when I got engaged) or the 'bridal shower.' Money is EXTREMELY tight (I'm lucky if I have $50 to my name) for me, and I can't afford to travel and buy a gift for both the shower (which takes place in May) and the wedding (which is in July). So would it be 'selfish' (I can't think of a better word to describe it) of me to just 'lie' and say I never received the shower invitation? God only knows plenty of mail gets lost all the time. Also, my aunt (the groom's mother) is a lawyer, and my uncle is a doctor - so they have all of my (huge) family and their 'have-lots-of-money' friends to buy them gifts. Also, I forgot to mention that they're registered at 3 pretty expensive places - all way beyond what I would be able to spend - and all their registry wish lists are at least 5 pages long each. So what difference would my not attending or sending a gift make? I'd love to hear opinions on this. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 9:44pm
Also... I know this really has nothing to do with my previous post - but I know when I get married, it's DEFINITELY not going to be a big deal like my cousin's wedding is. My mother's family (this is the side of the family my cousin is on) would say I'm too young - I'm in my mid 20's. I'm definitely not jealous of my cousin's upcoming wedding - I love him, I'm very happy for him, and I wish him all the best. But I'm really beginning to think that I hate my mom's family. They've always been extremely controlling, and it's always been their way or no way about things. I really think I hate them. So what's wrong with me? I guess the reason why I want to just 'ignore' the whole thing is because if I was the one getting married, I know that my mother's family wouldn't come. They hate my boyfriend (even though they've met him only once) and wish I was still dating my ex because he was 'such a nice guy.' OK...do 'nice guys' hit on a co-worker, get a tattoo to impress her, buy her gifts, and then - when she makes it clear that she's not interested - becomes obsessed with 'having' her (even though he was dating me) and finally gets fired for sexually harrassing her? I'm sorry, but I can't put up with that - which is why I broke up with him. I've been through a lot lately, and my boyfriend has stood by me through everything. It's actually made us stronger. Umm, yeah - that's a good reason for my mother's family to hate him. :-/ When I received the invitation for my cousin's wedding, the reply card had the line 'I will be attending with a guest' crossed out - meaning that they don't want my boyfriend to come. I thought it was the bride and groom - and maybe the bride's family - who were supposed to do the wedding planning? But they're not - the groom's family (also my mother's family) is doing all the planning. That goes to show you how controlling they are. And God it drives me CRAZY!! They've been mad at me for years because I do what I want and don't let them control my life. Is that a reason to not acknowledge my boyfriend or the fact that he's the one I want to be with? I really do think I hate them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 9:51pm
My sister did the same thing...

When she got married, she expected everyone to buy what was on the list, and any other gift was unacceptable. The last time I checked, gifts were from the heart. What you can do, however, is decline the invitation; but, purchase a smaller gift for the prospective bride and groom. If finances are so tight, you may want to consider making a gift or volunteering your time in helping to plan the wedding and so on.

It seems most people these days care more about the monetary (benefits) than the matrimony. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 10:02pm
Me again... I don't know what difference it makes, but I forgot to mention that my mother (and grandmother) told me before that they think I should break up with my boyfriend - whom I love more than anything (and yes, he feels the same way about me) - and go back out with my ex because my ex was making more money (before he was fired) than my boyfriend does. My ex worked in computer repair and support, and made about $52,000 a year - and my boyfriend works in a 'Sharper Image-type' gift store, and makes about $25,000 to $30,000 a year. My mother's and grandmother's (almost) exact words to me were that I should break up with my boyfriend and go back out with my ex "because he (my boyfriend) can't support you like _______ can." I don't know what century they're living in, but I don't want to be 'forced' to be with someone who doesn't want me to work and is going to (financially) support me 100%. We aren't married - yet - but my boyfriend and I are 100% equal partners in things. When we get married, we're both going to work - and if one of us was to lose our job or something, then the other one would 'help out' more until we got back on our feet. So unlike some people (my mother being one), I'm not interested in being with someone because of how much money they have or make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 10:11pm
Thanks for the advice, but I can't even offer to volunteer my time. I work a lot (I have about 55 hours this week), and have so much other stuff going on in my life right now. I was thinking of buying a smaller gift for them - until I went to the stores' websites and printed out copies of their registry wish lists. There was a 'special message from the bride and groom' on each list that said "gifts received which are not on this list will be politely declined." So...I really don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 10:59pm
"...politely declined"? Say that again? How on earth do you 'politely' decline a gift??? Good grief... that is the ultimate in NON-politeness!!! You should scrape these greedy good-for-nothing people off the bottom of your shoes and write them out of your life.

I see no shame in sending them a card and telling them the truth - that you cannot afford a gift from their registry, and since all others would be declined, then it is unfortunate that you cannot send a gift at all. Give them your best wishes, if you want, but I wouldn't send them a red cent!

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 10:14am
I wouldn't bother with going or sending a gift. Doesn't sound like your family is gone to be pleased no matter what you do so why go out of your way to please them on this one.I wouldn't even think about traveling 7 hours away or spending beyond my means just to please someone who didn't have the courtesy to send an invintation and then expect an expensive gift.You could, but would they apprectiate it? I wouldn't lie about it but wouldn't admit to the truth neither. I'd just say sorry but i'll be unable to attend.

I hate those gift registeries.I guess they are good to avoid not getting duplicat gifts but I think the message of any other gift wouldn't be excepted is about as rude as they could get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 9:45pm
Talk about controlling. First, they want to control your life as much as they can by dictating whether or not you will come with a guest, and then, they limit the kind of gifts that they will accept. I am completely outraged by the whole thing. DH and I asked that the guests at our wedding come giftless, but we were not tactless enough to refuse any gifts that were given.

How close are you to your cousin? Can you call him to find out how much he knows about what is going on, and how much of it he agrees with, or would this be stirring up a hornet's nest? It is HIS wedding and if he doesn't mind if your BF is there, then who cares about the rest of the family?

What I would do, being the subversive person that I am, would be to go for the heart/guilt jugular. Make him an extremely personal gift that would never be on any gift registry, and will make him cry when HE opens it. Do you have any pictures or mementos from your shared past, or do you know of an old secret childhood ambition of his that you could make a shadow box or a collage as the theme? An example would be a collage of all those pictures from the summers at the beach and a really great letter about how he has grown up to be a wonderful person, and telling his fiance what a special person she must be because he has chosen to be with her. The trick is to make it tastful so that his fiance wouldn't complain about the junk that his family expected her to hang on her walls. If you have an artist friend, ask him/her to paint a picture of your cousin from a photo, and framed it yourself. Or, you could make a donation to some kind to a foundation in their name, they don't have to know the amount. This is the kind of gift that they cannot refuse without looking really bad. Send these things directly to him and subtly let him know that you were afraid that it would be refused on the grounds that it was not from the registery, but that you felt the need to show him how much you really cared. Evil? Yes, but the point would be made. By going directly to the source, you circumvent all of their efforts to control your relationship with him, and you show him that you do really care for him and wish the best for him despite the larger circumstances. I would also write/call him to let him know about all the circumstances in your life that will prevent you from sharing his special day. The trick is to not give him too much info and not to be too whiny (this would require a great deal of editing if I were to write the letter). Whatever you do, I think it is important to recognize this important event in his live, even if it is only a wonderful letter telling him how wonderful he is.

About the boyfriend thing, I think that you have made some good decisions about what you value in a person, and what you will not tolerate in a relationship. Keep this in mind, and be thankful that you will not have to deal with that side of the family often because of their ridiculous bias. Let them live with their choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 10:22pm
You go, girl! What a wonderful solution! Kudos...

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 8:01am
Quite simply:

It is not nice to pretend you never received your invitation. That is very rude. And even though they are rude, 2 rudes don't make a right!

An invitation is just that, an invitation. You are NOT obligated to attend. Reply that you are unable to go then send a nice card. Then move on.

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