Does this make me mean??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Does this make me mean??
10
Sat, 12-04-2010 - 10:19pm

I have quite a large family that is literally spread all over the Western Hemisphere. From Europe to South America and of course to North America. They are for the most part cool people but a lot of what they do is so hypocritical to me. There is so much dysfunction it's quite unbelievable. I'll list some stories so you can see what I mean.

One of my uncles was married when he was in his late 20s and had two children with his wife. They later divorced in their 40s. She went off to marry someone else and then my uncle became somewhat of an alcoholic. He met someone so much younger than him and married her. He was in his early 50s and she was in her early 30s. They now have a young child together. His son from the previous marriage had a child as well and his son's daughter is older than his own daughter.

My mom has 10 brothers and sisters and they had a farm growing up that my grandfather would take care of while the family was in the city. He would work at the farm during the day and then come back home at night. They didn't know what he would do sometimes. Well a few years ago mind you my grandfather passed the year I was born 25 years ago we come to find out through my grandmother that he had a child with another woman while he was out on the farm. She apparently never was angry about it and didn't do anything about it.

There's more but I'll stop there.

So, I don't really like hanging around my extended family b/c well they can be quite judgemental and ignorant about others. They're very Catholic and traditional but a lot of what they do is very non-Catholic and very non-traditional but they snub their noses at people who do things like what they do. It's so hypocritical!

I go to Boston a lot to visit my best friend and am now planning on moving there once I finish school next semester. I have 3 family members who live an hour away from Boston but I never visit them when I'm there. I do this b/c they're quite scandalous and again hypocritical. Recently I found out that my cousin who is in her late 30s who had a daughter who is now 18 is pregnant and her daughter is also pregnant. My cousin also found out she has uterine cancer. My second cousin was previously pregnant but had a miscarriage and was kicked out of the house by my cousin b/c of being pregnant. Now they're both pregnant! And they don't want anything really to do with each other. Meanwhile my aunt the mother of my cousin lives there and has no clue that her daughter who is pregnant again has cancer. I just don't get this at all! I always wonder do they not know about contraception??? Maybe it's the Catholic thing? I donno.

So a lot of my extended family whenever I tell them I plan on moving to Boston they're like oh good you'll be living nearby my aunt, cousin and second cousin. And I'm just thinking umm they live an hour away and I have friends in the city anyways. I don't like being around them or my extended family. And I seriously don't think that I will be around them much when I am living there. Does that make me mean or snobby? I just don't want drama in my life. I try to avoid it as much as humanly possible. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means but I don't go around pretending to be holier than though and kicking people out of the house when they need my help. But again does that make me mean to avoid my family?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sat, 12-04-2010 - 11:15pm

I think all families have their colorful cousins and eccentric aunts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 1:54am

Hi, no it doesn’t make you mean and snobby to avoid family (or anyone) who you don’t like being around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 4:07pm

Yeah I don't see myself hanging around the majority of the people in my extended family in an every day setting as friends. I only see them b/c of family reunions or gatherings and even then I don't really interact with them much. Out of the tons of family I have, I can only relate to maybe 5 of them. We all agree for the most part though that our family is kinda wacky and a lot to take at times. So thanks for the comments. Makes me feel a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 12:49pm

You have the right to visit who you want to visit. If you have nothing in common with them, there's no real reason to visit. Your mum is probably old school, where families typically hang out together even when there's no common ground. These people could be the nicest people in the world, but if you don't enjoy their company, you shouldn't have to hang out with them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 1:10pm

I don't think it makes you mean. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself. If it's not good for you to be around your family then it's fair that you stay away. Just smile and nod when you family points out that you will be close to your aunt when you move and then do what you need to.

I want to point out, however, that you seem pretty judgmental about your families activities which is something that you accuse them of. I know that it's hard to be around hypocrites without saying something to them, but I think you could be a little more accepting of their actual deeds. Anyway, that's just what I'm getting from your post. If you find it difficult to be around them, you can still do what you have to for yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 1:39pm
Hey there! Long time "no see".

I picked up on the judging, too, and am glad you said something about it.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 5:23pm

No. It doesn't make you mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 1:00am

Hmm yeah I see what you mean. I wish that I could help my little cousin b/c she seriously does need help being 18 and pregnant without a stable father. Her mother, my cousin, is absolutely nuts. But luckily her grandmother, my aunt, is more supportive and is helping her. I know that when she was 11 she used to always tell me how she hated the way her mom was and that she would never be like her. When she turned 15 we all went up to have her Quincieanera birthday [we're Hispanic] and my sister made a comment that she had a feeling our little cousin was going to end up as a pregnant teen and dropping out of high school. I told her no that I knew she wouldn't be like that because she's smart and knows what she's doing. Yeah well apparently I was mistaken. I see it more of that she's getting back at her mom b/c her mom actually threatened her that if she became pregnant she would kick her out of the house. Subconciously I know she did it to get out of the house and be on her own which worked for a little while with her boyfriend but they recently broke up which forced her to go back to her mom's house. Now her mom is pregnant again and so is she but her mom is still pushing the same thing in her face which is irritating and I don't understand at all! My mom always promised us that if we were to ever have an oops she would never leave us out in the cold. And well she proved that to me recently. I was serious with a b/f and we were intimate with each other but we always used condoms. Unfortunately one of them was faulty which led me to become pregnant for a little while and then I had a miscarriage. My mom can read me like a book so she knew something was up and I broke down and told her. She was thankfully very supportive and talked it over with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 2:19am
It doesn't matter around here how long your posts are. ;) Helps us, actually.

I see your point now about judging.

Thanks for explaining. And I have never got it, either. (what they're doing hiding behind the church)


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 10:39am

Hi Rev. Good to see you again.

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