Don't know what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Don't know what to do?
9
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:41am
I am living with my boyfriend and his four kids. I am 30 and he is 41. His kids are 18,17,16,and 11. I have a 6yr old son. Anyway. The 17 yr old has Attention Defecite Disorder really bad and when he is not on his medication he causes alot of stress in the house. Besides that none of the three older kids ever want to help with house work. The 18 year old almost 19 goes to college 4 days a week for about an hour a day. She has no job. Always sits and watches tv. The 16 year old she just turned 16 complains about cleaning up and she stays out late and even spends the night with her 18 year old boyfriend whenever she wants. Anyway, my bf and I have had arrguments about this and he has asked me to be patient with this. That it will not always be like this. They will be gone soon. Well the rate it looks like none of them have jobs or wants to help with any-thing, so it may not end soon. And yes he has talked to them over and over about this but they are still doing the same things. It puts stress on our relationship and I have tried to be understanding to a point but it is very overwhelming and disapointing. I don't know how to handle this. What do I do? How can I help this situation? I don't see it changing and it has to. Can someone please suggest something?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:58pm
Hi there- I'd move out...if you can afford to. There is a lot of stress it sounds like that really should not be upon you unless you are married to him and even still....anyway, establish yourself. Explain to him you are taking a break but would still like to see him. Either that or suggest you all go to family counseling.
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:26pm
How sad is that!! Do you really want to be involved with a guy who doesn't even care about his kids? He is just waiting it out until they leave. I guess he thinks his job will be done then. How about the younger one? Is he going to actually "do" anythig to mold him into a producive adult? What about your son? Is this the father figure you want for him?

These are your questions to answer but I can already see what my answers would be if I were you. I hope that you spend some time thinking about your future and the future of your son before you continue on in this relationship.

Just my opinion, harsh as it is. Please post back and let us know how you are handling the situation.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:56am
I agree, move out NOW.

You will not change him or the way he raises his kids, you need to understand that.

What is important is YOUR CHILD. Do you want your child to think that this is OK behaviour? Because he will. If your child saw these kids once in a while (like a cousin or something) then you can explain away their actions and your child would probably be OK, but seeing this kind of bahaviour day after day...well...no matter what you do it will have an effect.

Move out for the sake of your child.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 2:55pm
You didn't say how long you all have lived together or if he is the father of your son. Anyway if I could and I would darn sure try to get me a house/apartment for me and my son. I would let him know that it is nothing against him you just can't handle the way things are going and don't want all the frighting. Your DS doesn't need to see and hear all that. I am not saying break it off with the guy but I would have me a place of my own to go to when things get too much. You said he keeps telling you things will get better when they leave? I would be asking why can't "we" make them better now. It sounds like his children are important to him, but they are older and will be leaving the "nest" soon enough He should be trying to work on you and him if he wants things to work when they are all gone out of the home. If moving out is totally not an option I would be sitting down having a BIG talk with them all while your BF is there to support and help out. They are old enough now to be pulling their weight. Maybe you should go on housework strike he he. I am sure this would get them all moving real quick. Please let us know what happens. We are here when you need us. Until then have a great Monday~~~~Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 5:21pm
Well we are going to set everyone down and talk to them. His kids have actually been through alot. Theyre birth mother commited suicide almost 2 years ago, and then within a couple of months there grandmother died suddenly, and then a couple of weeks after that there stepmother left after 13 years with my bf. Anyway I feel like they have lost every mother figure in their life and now I am there. I don't feel like leaving is the answer, they have all been to counseling after their mother died. And so did my bf. But I really

think if I stay and be a positive role model for them that maybe this can work. And he

is willing to do what ever it takes. And my son is also with his father half the time so he is not always there. But I have expressed to everyone that they need to watch what they say and do around him because he is younger. I think time and effort will help and I told my bf if nothing changes I will remove myself and my son from the house. I hope that answers any of your questions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:51pm
OMG! That changes the whole picture for the kids, doesn't it? Let's see - their mother committed suicide (abandoned them), then their grandmother died (abandoned them), and then their 13yr stepmother left (abandoned them) - three strikes in less than 2 years??? No WONDER these kids are causing problems!!! Betcha they aren't too eager to listen to you or let you get close to them emotionally - am I right?

Please reconsider carefully and talk with a counselor BEFORE you up and move out on these children and become the fourth female mother figure to abandon them! I strongly suggest family counseling - not just the kids, but ALL of you - your son included. Counseling could break down a lot of barriers and prevent lifelong problems these kids are probably facing.

My goodness! I wish you the BEST of luck and GOD's GRACE!

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:58am
I hope you don't take offense to what I am about to say but, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, of that relationship. It is so toxic for you. You are being used as nothing but the babysitter and a maid. You are way to young to be trapped in this type of existence. I don't care if you think you love him, he does not love you. Be patient and wait, they will be gone soon. Well it will be seven more years before the 11-year old is gone and, why is the 18-year old still there? I don't know anything about your situation, but if you have money issues, there are plenty of programs out there to assist single mothers get on and stay on their feet. This really is not a good relationship. You and your child are getting no benefits from this. He has not even married you and you are lucky that he has not. That way you can walk away free and single. Please think about this. I would even suggest you go to a counselor. There are plenty of free counselors out there who can help. Just look in the yellow pages or call the nearest law school to you and they can give you the information. Please let us know how you are. I know this is going to be a tough situation for you and it's scary, but you need to think about what is best for you and your child. Good luck -- Dream
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:46am
You have a lot on your plate!! I had the same problems. My Dh Is #2 & his wife died when I met him. My stepkids had a terrible time!! I have 3 kids of my own so we combined the two families & had all of these problems. My Dh would do nothing about the kids either. He is extremely stubborn & we went to counseling too. If I wasn't married I would have gotten out. Especially b/c the problems were the worst when the kids were in the age brackets of your kids. I am the only mother that my stepkids have really known. If you choose to stay, it is better when the oldest kids are out. & my dh said the same thing: They will be leaving soon enough. He is also older than me by 12 yrs. I do know that your are dealing with a lot of baggage. Gosh there is so much more I could say but I will leave it up to yuo if you want more info or experience. Prayers for you. Chris
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 4:20pm
I am glad you replied. It makes me feel good to hear from someone who has been through the same thing. And also about the age difference. Anyway any advice you could give me or experience I would appreciate it. I really love this man and I would like to stay and be a part of all their lives. When we don't have troubles we all pretty much get along. He just took his 17 year old with ADD to the guidance center today to see if theres anything they can do to help. And the girls are attempting to look for jobs. So I feel like sometimes they just need a little movation. They generally do care about my son and I. So if you would like to write back about anything to do with this situation that would be great.