Don't Know What To Do In The Face of Friends Tragic Loss of Her Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Don't Know What To Do In The Face of Friends Tragic Loss of Her Husband
15
Sun, 12-11-2011 - 4:44pm

I can home yesterday from shopping and there was a message from my friend saying her husband had died. I tried calling and calling her last night but got no answer, so I assumed she was with her sister or some relative. I called her again first thing this morning and got her, she said she had came home from shopping and found him dead on the floor and that she or the paramedics could not revive him. She sounded very calm and was talking as if nothing had happened, I asked her if she had stayed with her sister or someone last night and she said no she was home and that she had sent everyone home because she wanted to be alone.

I told her I was on my way there and she said no that she still wanted to be alone, I asked her what I could do for her and she said just be her friend and that she had everthing under control. My friend has a history of mental break downs two in the last 8 years, she does not handle extreem stress well. I don't know what to do, I don't think it is a good thing for her to be alone in the house where he died alone, but I can't force her to let me in. She sounds far too calm for someone who just found her husband dead. Should I force the issue and go to her home anyway or respect her wishes?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

No, you shouldn't force yourself on her. Everyone handles shock and grief differently. You've let her know you're there and are willing to be a friend. So respect her wishes right now to be alone. I have no doubt she's in shock after what happened.

Be patient and just let her know you're there. You can call or send a note.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
I would continue to check on her by phone and if you don't like the sound of things, you could always drop by. Given what you said about her, I would be worried about her too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Give her some time to let it all sink in. You didn't indicate her age. I do think the advice differs with her age.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

She is 46 and her husband was 54.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

Thanks, I'll do that. I'm just soo worried because this is the 5th death in her family, she lost a brother, her mom and brother inlaw just last year,her

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thanks....I'm assuming they've been married awhile...I think like I said let it sink in for her. You can't help
In the way she would like you by bringing him back but just so she knows you're there for her.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I'd leave her be for a little bit. Take your cue from her. (unless you notice something definitely "off".) From what you wrote so far, I don't see it.

She will want to talk about it eventually I think. Just last night I stayed over with a friend who found her husband dead when she woke up at 4 a.m. to use the restroom. He was in there. She said that nobody wanted to talk about it, so I told her to pause the movie we were watching, and I listened to her tell me detail by detail of the horror of it. They'd been together 15 years. It wasn't easy to listen to, but she needed to get it out. And your friend being so calm sounds alot like mine.

I try to let her set the pace. She's never had a mental breakdown, though. And her husband died a year ago. So my experience might not be helpful, but kudos to you for trying to help your friend.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

Thanks, they have been together for 20 years and her world has been turned upside down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Yes, I understand. My friend recently confided she still cries a little every day, even after a year. And that her life sucks so bad because of his death.

Last week she rented a vacation house for year round. She can afford it, and she's trying to change up her life some to help her get out of her funk. I think it's going to be so great for her, and the plus is that it's also nearer the majority of her family.

Will you keep us updated on your friend?



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I'd keep in touch with her by phone like others said.

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