Don't Know What To Do In The Face of Friends Tragic Loss of Her Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Don't Know What To Do In The Face of Friends Tragic Loss of Her Husband
15
Sun, 12-11-2011 - 4:44pm

I can home yesterday from shopping and there was a message from my friend saying her husband had died. I tried calling and calling her last night but got no answer, so I assumed she was with her sister or some relative. I called her again first thing this morning and got her, she said she had came home from shopping and found him dead on the floor and that she or the paramedics could not revive him. She sounded very calm and was talking as if nothing had happened, I asked her if she had stayed with her sister or someone last night and she said no she was home and that she had sent everyone home because she wanted to be alone.

I told her I was on my way there and she said no that she still wanted to be alone, I asked her what I could do for her and she said just be her friend and that she had everthing under control. My friend has a history of mental break downs two in the last 8 years, she does not handle extreem stress well. I don't know what to do, I don't think it is a good thing for her to be alone in the house where he died alone, but I can't force her to let me in. She sounds far too calm for someone who just found her husband dead. Should I force the issue and go to her home anyway or respect her wishes?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

I have called and offered but she still insists that she would rather be alone. I think she is feeling stressed out by visitors, we have been friends for 25 years but we have always preferred to talk on the phone and do lunch, movies,shopping,etc. When we visited each other's home it was usually to pick the other up to go someplace,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

The funeral was yesterday and she held it together really well. I told her if she needs anyting to let me know. Because she still refuses to let anyone stay with her. She said she feels as if she is on display and has to talk and she likes being alone in just the quiet so that she can cry in peace. She said when anyone comes by all she wants is for them to leave because she has to keep telling the same story over and over about how she came home and found him dead on the kitchen floor and she feels as if she has to talk to them because they are there even though she does not feel like talking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I've been thinking about you and your friend...have you heard from her any more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008

How sad for her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2001

With 5 deaths in the last year she may be used to it, so to speak. That may seem weird to some. The other deaths were different than this one, this was her husband, it was closer to home. She may need some time to process it. I agree

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I'd keep in touch with her by phone like others said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Yes, I understand. My friend recently confided she still cries a little every day, even after a year. And that her life sucks so bad because of his death.

Last week she rented a vacation house for year round. She can afford it, and she's trying to change up her life some to help her get out of her funk. I think it's going to be so great for her, and the plus is that it's also nearer the majority of her family.

Will you keep us updated on your friend?



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

Thanks, they have been together for 20 years and her world has been turned upside down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I'd leave her be for a little bit. Take your cue from her. (unless you notice something definitely "off".) From what you wrote so far, I don't see it.

She will want to talk about it eventually I think. Just last night I stayed over with a friend who found her husband dead when she woke up at 4 a.m. to use the restroom. He was in there. She said that nobody wanted to talk about it, so I told her to pause the movie we were watching, and I listened to her tell me detail by detail of the horror of it. They'd been together 15 years. It wasn't easy to listen to, but she needed to get it out. And your friend being so calm sounds alot like mine.

I try to let her set the pace. She's never had a mental breakdown, though. And her husband died a year ago. So my experience might not be helpful, but kudos to you for trying to help your friend.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thanks....I'm assuming they've been married awhile...I think like I said let it sink in for her. You can't help
In the way she would like you by bringing him back but just so she knows you're there for her.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

San

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