Don't want FMIL living with us forever..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Don't want FMIL living with us forever..
11
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 7:03pm
Roberts mom lives with us. Its OK, but I really don't like it. First off, she argues with me. She hates it when I play around with her son. She thinks that I am hurting him and I get chewed out for it and she had told me that I am going to sterlize her son and not be able to have children (Just because I accidently sometimes hit them there while playing around) and when I am upset at Robert, for like when he leaves while I am asleep (I babysit alot!) and forgets to leave me a note..man, I get chewed out.

Noone will rent to her because she was renting out a house and she left it a huge mess. So, I wish she would just go live on her own..but no..she is afraid I am going to hurt her son and she is afraid that her son can't live on his own. Robert is 29 for gods sakes! He gets SSI and the only way he can get it is if he has a payee..stupid social security, and his brother does that. But, Robert can take care of himself quite well...Just because everything is going wrong, he stopped having sex with me and everything. I am going crazy. But, his mom is driving me totatly crazy. What can I do? I would never ever hurt her son..I love Robert too much!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 8:08pm
I have a few q's actually. First being whose place is it? I am assuming this is an apartment/house that u and Robert (your DF right?) rent or own. Well how does Robert feel about his mom living w/ u guys? It seems to me that's the biggest q here. If he is ok w/ it then that might be a bigger prob to deal w/ but if he feels the same way u do and doesnt want her living there permanently then u guys need to be like a united front and let her know that she really cant be living w/ 2 newlyweds when u get married u need ur own start together! I think she should definitly understand that. It sucks that she left her last rental a big mess but I think in most cases there's got to be SOMEONE who will rent to her, that sounds like her making a big excuse to me. There are landlords who don't do major background checks or anything, I know that much at least :-) As for your FMIL meddling in ur relationship that is terrible, I am so sorry for u! I mean it sounds like she needs to face the facts her son is an adult! Why is she so worried ur going to hurt him? She needs to butt out in my opinion. What I really wanna know is how does HE react to all of this? I am so curious. Have u had a talk w/ your DF about this? What does he say? I think that sucks its causing big probs between the 2 of u but I really hope u get it worked out soon!!! I dont know anything about SSI or social security payees etc so I am kinda in the dark about that. What is that about? Sorry I am 18 and in college but still live w/ my parents so I don't know :-) Hugs, Rhiannon
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 12:49am
I think you need to speak to Robert about the situation. And tell him that you would be glad to help his mother find HER OWN apartment. As far as your sexual relationship with him...he probably feels alittle strange about sleeping with you with his mother in the house...I know ..been there done that. I felt same way my father came to stay a couple days with me and my new husband. That was 27 years ago. You need to speak with him about this situation . My 2 cents worth from someone whos been there done that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 2:35pm
I did talk to Robert. Now they are having dreams about getting a house with him, me, his mom and his grandmother! For one, they don't have good enough credit..2, his grandmother is in the nursing home and 3, I HATE IT! They were going to have me be a stupid GUEST so his grandmother would not complain about me living there. I had something MAJOR to say about that one!

So, it kinda worked, kinda didn't! I am starting to hate this!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 8:48pm
Is there any way that u and Robert could move to another area and get a place alone? (just the 2 of u) It sounds like his family is kinda overbearing! :-( Good luck!!! Rhiannon
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 1:15am
First, I have to say that Robert's mom has a valid point about damaging the family jewels. It doesn't take a hard hit to the right spot to sterilize a man or boy. And it can be incredibly painful - so please be more careful. Ask any doctor and they will tell you this is true.

I gather from your post that Robert is not completely independent - his brother is a "payee" for Robert's SSI? I don't know what that means, but sounds like there's a social worker or judge in the picture somewhere who doesn't think Robert is capable of handling his own affairs. And his Mom, maybe others in the family and/or court system, don't think he can live alone. Whatever the reason, it sounds like Robert is likely going to have Mom or someone in his life, for as long as he lives, who is in charge of Robert. Either YOU become that person after the two of you are married, or you are just going to have to swallow your pride and live with it. This doesn't sound like something you can change easily. Been there, done that.

Has Robert EVER lived on his own, or has he always had his Mom, or you, or another family member around to take care of things for him?

but back to your question. You say Robert's mother is driving you crazy and ask what you can do. For starters, you can try understanding what she's going through as a mother of a son she's cared for and worried about for 29 years. Twenty-Nine Years! I don't remember if you said how long you and Robert had been together, but I'll bet it's not more than two years. So just be a little more understanding and give her time to adjust to the fact that very soon her son will have another woman in his life to care for him and worry about him. I know you love him very much, but remember: so does she. I think she's afraid you will take Robert away from her, forever. You need to find a way to make her understand that you only want what SHE wants - for Robert to be happy.

Second, you and Robert need to have a united front. You should not be arguing with his mother and trapping him in the middle. He loves you, he loves her. Can you think how the two of you arguing makes him feel? Would be better to try to get along with Mom, then tell Robert what's going on and how it makes you feel. I hope he'd choose to do right by you and confront his mother about how she's treating you.

Third, it SUCKS that the family would decide to USE Robert to get a house, and move elderly grandmother in, without YOU, Robert's future WIFE, having any say-so about it!!! Describing you as a *guest* in your own home so grandma won't be upset? The nerve of these people!!! Sounds to me like they have not accepted you as a family member yet - to them, you're just a freeloading GF who's tagging along for the free booty and SSI checks. Honestly, the only way I can see for you to change this image is to MARRY this man and the TWO of you move into a tiny little one-bedroom home or apartment (no space at all for other family to move in). Is this possible?

As for grandma, I can totally understand the family's desire to get her out of the nursing home. For many old folks, nursing homes are just a place people go to die, and many of them die very lonely. My father spent two months in a NH near my home, and I visited him every day, but he was absolutely miserable there. His health was failing, depression set in, and he was losing his mind. My sister and I took him out of there and although his health did not improve, he was much happier for the last three months of his life and died peacefully at home with his family.

This is a tough spot you and Robert are in and it's hard to know what is the right thing to do. Family loyalties and responsibilities run deep and Grandma is probably at that point where she needs her family to care for her. If Mom can't get a place to live on her own, and Grandma with her, then the only place for them to go is with you and Robert, or with Robert's brother. Am I right?

So my final advice to you is this: Either you and Robert finally tie the knot and move out (depending on his legal rights to do so) and leave his mother and grandmother to fend for themselves; or hard as it may be, learn to bite your tongue and get along with his family, who are going to be there no matter how you feel about it.

Best of luck to you, and peace to the whole family.

Msfit


                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 11:52pm


I don't totatly freeload. I have a fine job babysitting and it helps my fiance out alot. We both recieve foodstamps together to help us eat also. His mom and grandma think I don't do much. But, how would they like to babysit 5 days a week, come home, and be exausted?



Yes he has, but his mom always moved into the place where he was at.



It is always a accident. I don't do that often to count and she always yells when I accidently do. Robert always forgives me of course. :)

Robert has never had a girl, and I am his very first....his mom thinks "He has a girl, lets be overprotective of my son because she is going to hurt him!" All because I am almost 22!!!!

I don't hurt Robert! I love Robert with all of my heart. I have actually had to get upset with her when she thought that she could use Robert and my food stamps for icecream that she wanted. We only get 97.00 and are down to 52 and she thinks we can live off of 25 for a whole month. Well, I have to eat or I get sick, I have told her that numerious times!

Misty

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 10:00pm
what about Robert's mom, does she get food stamps too? Does she work? Sorry if these q's sound really nosey but I think it's just outrageous that she would b trying to take ur foodstamps, that is so low!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 12:40am
Dear Misty,

You have my sympathies,

As an elderly caregiver for 10 years, I understand what u are going through. It must be very frustrating for u!

I don't agree with all of the comments that some people on this board have given(such as learning to get along with Robert's mother. Why? this sounds like a co dependent relationship to me where u will always be third party and never have a say or opinion. Be careful!)

I don't agree with u marrying Robert. I think u would be better off with a more adult and independent person who respects YOU and your feelings. This relationship with Robert and his relatives doesn't sound good at all. He needs to stand u to his mother and tell ehr that YOU are his GF and YOU deserve respect.

I don't agree with the comment on NH. My Great Aunt went into one near our house and she enjoyed being there. We were happy and had peace of mind knowing that she had round the clock care from trained professionals.(we had toured the place with her and she liked it.)

You need some control in this relationshiop imo. And it isn't happening. I don't see this situation changing. You seem to have no status in this family and that is wrong and is sad. And not normal either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 4:09pm
I agree with the last poster. You should get out. Also, and this is none of my business, how does someone living on social assiatance with $57 a month or something left over afford to have the Internet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 5:09pm
I was thinking that too but didn't want to say it.

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