Don't want FMIL living with us forever..

I gather from your post that Robert is not completely independent - his brother is a "payee" for Robert's SSI? I don't know what that means, but sounds like there's a social worker or judge in the picture somewhere who doesn't think Robert is capable of handling his own affairs. And his Mom, maybe others in the family and/or court system, don't think he can live alone. Whatever the reason, it sounds like Robert is likely going to have Mom or someone in his life, for as long as he lives, who is in charge of Robert. Either YOU become that person after the two of you are married, or you are just going to have to swallow your pride and live with it. This doesn't sound like something you can change easily. Been there, done that.

Has Robert EVER lived on his own, or has he always had his Mom, or you, or another family member around to take care of things for him?

but back to your question. You say Robert's mother is driving you crazy and ask what you can do. For starters, you can try understanding what she's going through as a mother of a son she's cared for and worried about for 29 years. Twenty-Nine Years! I don't remember if you said how long you and Robert had been together, but I'll bet it's not more than two years. So just be a little more understanding and give her time to adjust to the fact that very soon her son will have another woman in his life to care for him and worry about him. I know you love him very much, but remember: so does she. I think she's afraid you will take Robert away from her, forever. You need to find a way to make her understand that you only want what SHE wants - for Robert to be happy.

Second, you and Robert need to have a united front. You should not be arguing with his mother and trapping him in the middle. He loves you, he loves her. Can you think how the two of you arguing makes him feel? Would be better to try to get along with Mom, then tell Robert what's going on and how it makes you feel. I hope he'd choose to do right by you and confront his mother about how she's treating you.

Third, it SUCKS that the family would decide to USE Robert to get a house, and move elderly grandmother in, without YOU, Robert's future WIFE, having any say-so about it!!! Describing you as a *guest* in your own home so grandma won't be upset? The nerve of these people!!! Sounds to me like they have not accepted you as a family member yet - to them, you're just a freeloading GF who's tagging along for the free booty and SSI checks. Honestly, the only way I can see for you to change this image is to MARRY this man and the TWO of you move into a tiny little one-bedroom home or apartment (no space at all for other family to move in). Is this possible?

As for grandma, I can totally understand the family's desire to get her out of the nursing home. For many old folks, nursing homes are just a place people go to die, and many of them die very lonely. My father spent two months in a NH near my home, and I visited him every day, but he was absolutely miserable there. His health was failing, depression set in, and he was losing his mind. My sister and I took him out of there and although his health did not improve, he was much happier for the last three months of his life and died peacefully at home with his family.

This is a tough spot you and Robert are in and it's hard to know what is the right thing to do. Family loyalties and responsibilities run deep and Grandma is probably at that point where she needs her family to care for her. If Mom can't get a place to live on her own, and Grandma with her, then the only place for them to go is with you and Robert, or with Robert's brother. Am I right?

So my final advice to you is this: Either you and Robert finally tie the knot and move out (depending on his legal rights to do so) and leave his mother and grandmother to fend for themselves; or hard as it may be, learn to bite your tongue and get along with his family, who are going to be there no matter how you feel about it.

Best of luck to you, and peace to the whole family.

Msfit