dueling daugter's in law

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
dueling daugter's in law
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 10:39am
Does anyone have a suggestion for dueling DIL's?????

My two DIL's appear to have it out for each other. I do not know if it is jealousy and honest dislike of each other or what, but it has begun to affect all of our family.

My two son's get along great, and I get along with each DIL when it is one on one, but put the two together and it is a nightmare, they do not come out right and snip at each other they do it "nicely", if you want to call it that. The most recent example was last night, everyone was over for a BBQ, the oldest DIL told her two boy they could go swimming in the pool. They are 11 and 9. My only granddaughter (DD of DIL #2) is 7. She did not ask permission instead jumped in the pool with out any ones knowlegde. DIL #2 caught her and went ballistic about it, yelling that she did not care that the boys had permssion from their Mom, her Mom cared about her and did not want her to drown, maybe the boys Mom did not care if her kids drowned!! Needless, to say DIL #1 took offense, told my DS to pack and up and they headed home.

This has become a ritual, if one gives me or DH a gift, the other tries to top it. If we have a get together they try to talk over each other and get louder and louder. We are now seeing the grandkids beginning to bicker at each other. Put all the kids together for a few minutes and you pretty much know what each DIL has been saying about each other in private.

Any suggestions???? My Dh and I are almost at the point of stopping all family get togethers. BTW....we have sat each DIL down in private and discussed this. They both blame the other, and deny they are "doing anything".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 11:26pm
I'd say your best bet is to push them both into the pool to cool off!

Other than giving them both a harsh scolding next time it happens, I don't have any novel ideas for you. I want to suggest that you have a talk with the two of them together, with their husbands and yours, and kids absent - but if they're anything like my SILs, this wouldn't work either. It would just end up in another yelling match and everyone racing away in their cars, angry at each other.

I hope you find a solution, or the two of them finally grow up and get a grip. So sorry you have to be put in the middle of this mess.

God bless


BTW, Goldie - how did things turn out with your elderly FIL? You've been on my mind - I went through a similar situation with my Dad recently, and wonder how you're coping with yours... Let us know!

Edited 6/8/2003 11:28:49 PM ET by msfit777


Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 8:22am
I finaaly just refused to do anymore traveling. Period! No more. I sat my DH down and told him that even though I love and respect his father, it is time for his siblings to take over. Since that was not an option (FIL wanted only certain people at his beck and call),plus one or two of them irritated him to much! I arranged with my DH consent and knowledge, for a home health service to go over and evaluate the situation. They decided that he qualified for help 4 hours a day, three times a week. So someone goes over cooks him a little something, and does some cleaning. Just home help, not any health care. His insurance does not cover this 100% so my SIL (who was thrilled that I did this) and I worked out the finances where each sibling was to send my SIL a certain amount per week to cover the balance. In other words each sibling is to send the great amount of $11.75 per week, to help care for Dad. So far only my Dh , my SIL and one other has sent a penny, so now the three sibling are footing the bill 3 ways instead of 6. Some of the grandkids are now chipping in also. My 3 have sent extra money to help buy easy to prepare foods, bought him calling cards and things like that.

so far so good, FIL, (after the initial grumbling) now enjoys his "visits" with the housekeeper. she even gives a little more time than she is required and brings him treats from her own home. Little cookies, cakes and stuff like that. I call when I know she will be there, and we always have a nice chat. The good thing is that she is from a home health agency and knows to look for certain things. So now we have someone that can really tell us how he looks, and acts.

On the very bright side. FIL lung tumor has "shrunk" about 60%. It is still inoperable but no longer so big. They stoppe dhis radiation and are now starting a new chemo on him.

So things are looking up!!!!

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 4:56pm
That is a tough situation. I would hate for you to have to suspend family gatherings because these 2 women can't be civil to one another. I mean, they don't have to like one another, but rules of common decency dictate that they are at least civil - you know, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. And what is really sad is that this is affecting the children. These kids are cousins and should be able to have a relationship without the baggage their mothers are carrying around.

I think I would sit down with the adults in the family and just demand that this has to stop. Tell them that you don't care who started it, they both have the responsibility to be civil to one another for the sake of family harmony.