Embarrassing Family

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Embarrassing Family
7
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 5:04pm
Ok...here it is, tell me what you think,

I am single female that is in a relationship, though not ready for the altar just yet. I recently went home for the holidays and to my horror (not necessarily my surprise) I really realized that I come from a family of slobs. Slobs is really not the word to describe it, but its the best I can do in this public forum...plus I AM talking about my own flesh and blood. In any case, Its not just my Mom, but my Grandma, my uncles. Their homes are junky, smelly, messy and dirty and falling apart. My sister and I are not at all like this. For years I didn't understand my sister's aversion to this side of the family. I just thought she was a snob. But it just hit me that I too am totally disgusted by it. How could I possibly bring even the most loving and understanding man around this. He'd be horrified. Mothers and grandmothers tend to be indicators of the inherent nature of their daughters. Although not always true, this tends to be the perception. I am in a very promising relationship and would want him to meet my family. What should I do?? Lying is not an option. But I'm afraid avoidance won't work either....

Your comments are appreciated

Epi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 5:16pm
Is there anyway that they can meet him in a neutral location? I mean, don't bring him to your mom's home.

If not, just prepare him for it. If he truly is the ONE, then it won't matter. By the time you do bring him to meet your family, he should know enough about you to realize this isn't you.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 8:03am
Honesty is the way through this situation.

Sit down and talk with him. Tell him the things that you love about your family. Things that you have learned from them. Tell him about their accomplishments and about their disappointments. And then tell him that although you love your family and have become who you are because of them, you are embarressed by the way they keep themselves and their house up. Prepare him that they are not bothered by the clutter and the smell. They just live and are happy and don't even notice the condition around them. Tell him you hope that he will be able to love them in spite of the mess and that he will get to know them as people and not judge them by the condition of the home and clothes.

I also think having dinner somewhere else is a great first meeting. Save the house for later. Give him a chance to get to know them. But he should be able to get over all these things because he loves you and wants to be with you.

Are you planning on a meeting or are you just thinking ahead??

Melissa

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:04am
I totally agree with the others. I would meet in a neutral location and let him know that the way your family chooses to live is not the way you do. Tell him how much you love your family and are just a little embarressed about the way they live. Let him know how imprtant they are to you and like the others said if he is the one he will overlook all the bad things and only see the best inyour family. I don't think this makes you a horrible person sometimes when my family does things I could crawl under the table. Ie ...like when we all go out to eat and you know when the waitress/waitor says "Can I get you something to drink while you decide?" well my dad orders right then and there he can't wait and order when they come back so we either have to order spur of the moment or wait until they come back. I think we all have are little urks about our families. They just seem to run different :) I hope this all helped. Again don't stress if he is the "one" he will understand. Who knows he may feel the same way about his family. I also wanted to let you know I like your member name, it is so different. have a great Friday!! Until then ....Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 4:26pm
Thank you for your comment,

I suppose there's no way of getting around it. I don't want to hurt my family, but I also don't want my Bf to think that I may one day revert to living like that once we're married. Right now I am just thinking ahead. My family knows who he is and has spoken to him several times on the phone. He has offered to come and visit my family when I've been visiting, but I always come up with a reason to tell him no. I don't think he has any idea why. Anyway, he's a nurse and his father was a physician and he's very neat and health/hygeine conscious, which is why I'm a lit more concerned about this than normal. I know that cleanliness is very important to him. But I suppose you're right that if he loves me he'll get over my family. But I can imagine it wouldn't be easy. But again thank you for you comments.

Epiphany

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 4:35pm
Thank you for your comments. I am sure that if he loves me like I believe he does, then he'll be able to get over it. But I just don't want to even have to face it...like I said, its embarressing. He is a nurse whose father was a physician. He's also very neat and health/hygeine conscious. Cleanliness is very important to him. Meeting in a neutral place might work for the first time, but after that he'll be wanting to come home for holidays and he's the type that will visit my Mom w/o me if they were to develop a good relationship. I just don't think he'd be able to handle the mess. My family would be curious as to why we never come over there to meet. I'd eventually have to tell them/him the truth. I'm just not looking forward to it. But anyway, thank you again for you comments I really appreciate it. By the way Epiphany Rose is a name that I came up with if I were ever to have a daughter. Its unique, it has a Christian connotation and I just like the way it sounds. (plus my granny's name is Rosa Lee)

Epiphany

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 5:08pm
I used to clean up my parents place before my bf visited. Would your mom freak if you showed up offering to give her a hand with some 'spring cleaning'. At least for the first impression? Otherwise arrange the first meet at a restaurant.
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 8:22pm
I hope things go well. You really seem to like this guy :) I think to start the relationship of I would definetly fess up about my folks and their "messy" way of living in the very beginning. I think he deserves to know the truth and how you feel. This way he won't later on say "Why didn't you trust me with this?" I really think it will be ok. You said he would go over to visit without you? Better to tell him now then let himshow up and the place look like a hurricane swept through. He seems like a good man if he would care enough to go without you. Let him know, I am sure it will be fine((HUGS)). Also I still think that is a beautiful name!! So unique and special too. Let us know how things turn out~~~Michelle