Estranged From Family
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|Thu, 12-06-2012 - 6:01pm|
I just want to warn ya'll in advance that this may be long, however I am really looking for some unbiased opinions and suggestions. I truly appreciate any responses.
Anyways, I am a 28 yr old female. My biological mother abandon me at 4 yrs old and my biological father is mentally ill and has been my entire life. I do not speak to my bio mother and that is OK with me as with her consistent drug issues, it is better without her in my life. As for my bio dad, I speak with him maybe once a year. His mental illness has caused a lot of problems when I was younger and he was an alcoholic, abusive and just all around a horrible father. When I was a teen I had a better relationship with him even though he was not a good father, but as I grew older I realized I just didn't want him in my life. I do hold a lot of resentment towards him. I just wanted to give a bit of background info about me, even though this post is not really about my bio parents.
When I was 12, my aunt (fathers sister) and my uncle had taken me in considering my bio dad was going through his own dilemmas and could no longer care for me. I lived with my aunt and uncle until I was 18, I then moved out and lived with my boyfriend at the time and have been out of my aunt and uncles house since I was 18. They were my true parents as they raised me and dealt with my nonsense through out my teen years. I was a bit of a rebel and was always in trouble. I had emotional issues, mostly stemming from anger I held towards my bio mother and bio father. I respect them for taking me in and giving me a loving and safe place to call home during my youth. I really owe a lot to them. However, through out my teen years growing up with them, I couldn't help but to feel cheated. They had two children of their own (younger than me) in which it was very clear that I was the "adopted" one and the other two were their real blood children. For example, my aunt would take her younger daughter/my younger cousin out on shopping sprees and to the movies on the weekends, while she made me stay home and clean the house. It sounds ridiculous, but I felt a bit like Cinderalla. I always knew she favored her own children more than me and to some extent, it's understandable. My uncle on the other hand is an amazing man. He had never made me feel as if I was less their child. As I grew older (into my mid/late teens) my aunt became a major pain in the butt. Everything I did just didn't seem good enough for her. I cleaned up my rebellious act and did great in school, even got a scholarship but nothing ever seemed to make her love me more. I always felt like I was trying and trying to gain her love and acceptance but it never got me anywhere. I dealt with this for a number of years until I moved out at 18. When I moved out, I attempted to distance myself from my aunt and uncle, however I couldn't really just entirely cut them off.
Eventually I broke up with the guy I was dating, stayed single for a bit and met a new guy. I am 28 now, been with this guy since I was 20. We're gettng engaged soon and all is well. Once I introduced him to my aunt, she was not very happy. My aunt and uncle are very religious, he is not. Him and I got serious pretty quickly and I moved with him from NJ to Florida for one year, while he attended college there. As soon as I started dating him, the rumor mill began. My aunt would comment that I was too skinny, then she would go on about how she thought I was on drugs and my boyfriend was a bad influence on me. She went on to give me a bad name to everyone in my family. I honestly was not on drugs and was not doing anything harmful to myself. I simply think she made these things up because she did not like who I was dating. So, I move back from FL to NJ and since then things with my aunt and uncle have never been the same. I haven't seen them once in the last five years. I miss my two younger cousins, one is in college now and I speak to her every now and then via text. However, she doesn't seem too interested in trying to reconnect. I will admit, my aunt has tried contacting me in the past (with the assistance of my biological father) but I always reply, say we'll meet up and talk and never get around to it. Part of me wanted to meet and reconcile and then another part of me still resents them. After five years of not seeing them, it is making it extremely hard to try to figure out how to possibly reconcile here.
I'm 28 now and too much time has passed. I am ready to put all of this behind me and try to have a healthy relationship with both my aunt, uncle and their children. As much as I love my boyfriends family (they consider me one of their own), there just is no replacement for my real family. I just don't know how to go about this now though. I know my aunt and uncle are probably so fed up with me saying "we'll meet up and talk soon" and never following through on it. I want them to realize I am sincere and genuine this time. I am getting engaged soon, will be planning my wedding and I want my family there with me. I want my uncle to walk me down the aisle. I just don't know what to do after all this time has passed. I have been thinking about writing a letter, maybe emailing it, snail mailing it or even sending it via Facebook. However, I want them to take it seriously. I feel like if i try to reconcile this time, they may think I am just BS'ing again or even may just reject me entirely. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading this post, as long as it is.