Everyone says no but my heart says yes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Everyone says no but my heart says yes
19
Thu, 11-24-2011 - 4:50pm

I have this "friend" who isn't speaking to me for whatever reason.

How we met:

I was in a car accident about 5 years ago due to icy roads. I almost died. Needless to say I was and still am a lot of rehab.

Time went on and the rehab place thought I needed home health aides. I don’t think I ever needed them. In my mind they were babysitters. This “friend” was one of them.

She agreed she and her coworkers were not needed. As a result we didn’t do much that was on the list of things we should have done. Far awhile I wasn’t to go out in the public with them. She and a few of the aides did take me out. Often we were eating in restaurants. Sometimes we went shopping. I figured who cares what we did because I didn’t need them. We did do some stuff on the list like cleaning but that was about it (other than maybe cooking/baking).

Time went on and she seemed to want to move to the next level. She seemed to want to be friends with me. Keep in mind she is now 40 and I am 29. She is in different parts of her life.

I am not great at making friends. I find it a lot more harder ever since the accident. I thought it would be fun to have a friend who knows a lot about my accident and far as I know was cool with it. She even at one time commented she didn’t consider me disabled.

I got to know more about her and her family. She is the middle child of 3 girls. The oldest gives me the impression of being really religious to the point of getting that “holier than thou” attitude. Her little sister is married and living with her wife out of state. At first I thought it was be nice if my “friend” stayed in good relations with the younger sister since I figured each other needed an ally from the older sister.

The oldest (I will call 1) told my “friend” she is going to hell because she got a divorce from her husband. She then told the youngest (3) she is going to hell for being gay (I don’t think you chose to be gay so I don’t think being that way is a sin).

The moral of the story is the oldest is now divorced and the only one of the children who is married is the youngest (3). Go figure.

From what I know my “friend” and 1 get along ok now. I met 1 at least once. She and I get along fine. I am yet to meet 3.

When I first met my “friend” she was crazy about 3 and kept saying they are friends. I thought it was nice. I don’t have any siblings so I cannot really relate to what she was saying. Either way I was happy for them.

Time went on and my “friend” and I grew closer. She invited me to things like her son’s games (he is 12-13ish). I figured it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like we were doing anything illegal. I was enjoying her friendship and wanted to be nice to her son.

Her parents and I met and I always thought we got along fine. Her mom is not one you can warm up to. She has always treated me with respect. My friend complains that she never really saw her parents get lovey dovey. She also seems like she don’t feel loved by her mom. Her dad to me seems like a sweetheart.

We would talk on the internet through various channels and on the phone and texted. At the time she had Verizon wireless and I had Alltel. As you may know Alltel got bought out by Verizon. I thought it was nice since she and I could talk on the phone without worrying about minutes usage. With my plan I couldn’t text too much but that was ok to me. I am not much of a text person. She seemed annoyed that I wouldn’t go to unlimited texts. I told her she is free to call me within reason any time. I loved hearing from her.

She recently changed phone companies and I finally went to Verizon. With the new company I got a plan that allows unlimited texts. When I told her she seemed really happy. I took that as a compliment. To me it meant she wanted to talk to me (even if it is in text) and not be restricted.

Things continued with us. I loved hanging out with her and her family. I am sure they knew how the two of us met but we never discussed it. I being from another part of the state thought they were like my family away from my actual family. I loved her like family. I thought of her son and her as nephew and sister.

She had problems in her personal life and I was very willing to stand by her and help her out. I tend to go overboard in being nice to people. That often leads me to getting taken advantaged of and hurt.

For instance she had car trouble and couldn’t get to my apartment. She told me she needed me to cancel her for the day claiming I was sick and couldn’t have her over. I did so because I thought it was a bad rule that she would get into trouble for car issues. I know that she is to provide services to people who can’t take care of themselves but I thought they were going a tad too far.

That day instead of having her over to “provide services” she and I hung out at her apartment and went a few places nearby.

I felt bad for lying and a little guilty for how much trouble we were getting into. I will admit having this secret friendship was exciting.

She had money issues (and still does). I helped her out by loaning her money thinking she would get things taken care of and things would be fine. Things got better and then she would somehow manage to get into money troubles again. Granted we live in a state that is hit hard with financial issues but it did seem odd she kept getting into trouble. I am not really sure were her money goes. I don’t think she is buy drugs or anything like that. I am wondering if she just likes to buy things. I think a lot of it goes to clothes (she does dress well). If that was her only fault who was I to judge?

She lost a car at one point due to it being repossessed. I knew if she didn’t have a car she couldn’t keep her job. I couldn’t with good conscious allow her to lose her job. This to me was more than friendship. This to me was my duty as a human being to help my fellow man. Of course my love (friendship love mind you) for her clouded my judgment.

My grandma died about that time. I was to take her car and give my previous car back to my parents. They had a use for it. I thought it would be nice if I just gave her my old car. Granted it wasn’t that nice looking but it worked well and I felt it was safe. She turned me down at first saying things such as she would get into trouble taking a car from me (since I was a client) and that it was bad on gas. Point was well taken with the first reason. The second I thought was stupid. I don’t have a lot of money but I manage to keep my cars with enough gas to get to work and such. I also wanted her to take the car since I thought it was a safe car. I wanted peace of mind knowing if she got into a minor accident she would hopefully be able to walk away.

I asked my parents for the car so I could give it to her. They at first said no. They knew her (they met) and how we met. Their reason for not giving her the car was because they were supposed to give it or sell it to someone else.

Things progressed and they decided to give her $500 so she could use it as down payment on a nice used car. She didn’t seemed like she wanted to take it but finally did.

One day my mom took us out for the day to a nature center and then later to lunch. My “friend” seemed to really like my mom. She made a comment before she acts like how a mom should act. I took that as a high compliment.

She got evicted from one apartment and she told me she needed boxes. I worked hard to find some boxes and helped in other ways.

We still hung out and I was loving this relationship. I felt like I was with the “cool kids”. I also thought it was nice having this lady as a friend. Like I said before it was like having a sister and a nephew.

She got really depressed due to money issues and she called me and asked (pretty much demanded) I come over. I kept trying to politely decline stating (and this was a fact) I needed to get work finished in my own apartment. I finally gave up and went over a few times to be with her. She said my company helped. I was glad I was able to help her. I thought I was doing my Christian duty was one reason I felt good.

She got a new apartment (I tried to help her find one but she found one on her own). I of course went over there a few times to visit her and sometimes her son (they ex and her have joint custody of the boy). I loved to spoil them by giving small gifts. That is one reason I show I care about someone.

She got evicted again and far as I know is living with some guy she says is her boyfriend. She told me he is really in love with her. I am not sure how she feels about him.

She (far as I know) is still in school to be a hair designer. When she decided she wanted to try to get in she asked me to write a letter of recommendation for her. I wasn’t sure how to write one but I accepted because

1. I believe in an education

2. It was important to her

She cut my hair a few times. I tried not to take advantage of her in any way. I often try to do things in return for her doing things for me (like cutting my hair).

When she didn’t have a car for awhile I would often give her rides to various places where she had to work. One of the places was of course where I took therapy. If anyone found out there what we were up to we both could be in a lot of trouble. I took a lot of risks during our relationship.

My parents at one time asked me to ask her to give me a ride to my home town to see my great aunt and uncle who were visiting from out of state. I at the time wasn’t too keen on driving on the interstate since that would have been the first time doing so since my accident. It was on the interstate where the accident happened.

She agreed. My mom gave her some money (she took time off work) for doing this for me. She also gave her some money for a hair trim my “friend” gave her.

We went back to the area I was living and she went to school for that evening.

Fast forward a bit to almost the present. Due to my TBI (traumatic brain injury) I was having issues with anxiety. I am not talking about a few bad days. I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind. It was very scary. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. At first I figured I was just having really bad PMS issues. I called her a few times hoping she and I talking would help me calm down. This got a lot worse. I was barely eating. I couldn’t keep calm enough to work. I was losing control. The night I finally gave up and called someone on my treatment team the only thing I had for diner was a glass of milk. I wasn’t willing to cook that night (I was also too upset to even eat). If I didn’t get treatment I (not to sound dramatic or anything) would have gotten very sick and of course if things kept going I think it could have killed me. She is yet to know this fact about me (the anxiety. She knows I have a TBI).

I will admit at times I can be clingy. I can be annoying in other ways to. Keep in mind I really loved her as a friend and I was willing to do a lot for her. So was my family.

We finally had a falling out. She said I called her too much. There was a few reasons for that:

1. I can be clingy

2. She would promise to hang out and I was trying to collect on those promises.

3. I just wanted to say hi

She didn’t seem to ever just call or text just to say hi ever since we met. At first I just figured she was busy with her life. Now it seems she only really wanted to contact me to either invite me to a game of her son’s or to ask for money and/or other favors.

I feel you shouldn’t take advantage of people. I don’t like getting hand outs. I feel you should work hard to get things. If you need help that is a different matter. I was willing to help her because I felt that was the right thing to do.

The other thing she called me on was she seemed to think I was trying to guilt her into something. I was involved with the company Groupon. I found out they were offering a coupon for a restaurant not too far from where my apartment was.

She and I ate there before but due to the prices we couldn’t have much. We made plans to go back one day when we had more money and have a meal.

I asked to borrow my mom’s credit card to buy this coupon. I was willing to give my mom the money for it. Mom said it was no big deal and just take the coupon. She stressed she wanted us to use the coupon before it expired.

Long story short I kept reminding this girl about the coupon (I asked her before I got the coupon if she would go with me if I got the coupon). She kept saying she was busy but we would eventually use it. It got down to a few weeks. I was starting to think I was going to be stuck with this coupon and she wouldn’t go to the place with me. I was trying to figure out what to do. I finally asked Groupon to give me my money back and credit the credit card. They agreed. I sent her a message through face book explaining the issue with the expiration date and the fact I used my mom’s credit card. I didn’t think I was being rude. I thought I was just telling her something. She answered she was busy and all that. In the note back I noticed a tone of she was annoyed. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I figured she was just upset over the fact she is so busy.

Time went on and I wanted to go to her son’s football game. I text her one time and asked what school are they playing. She texted back the name, or city or whatever. I being not from that area had no clue what she meant. I looked up the name she gave and found it was a name of a county in the state. I looked up the schools in the area.

I called her and left a message saying I don’t really understand what school he was going to be at. I said I am not good with directions. I if I remember right asked her to give me directions and if I felt I could safely get there I would go. I didn’t get any response. Oh well. I figured she got busy with life.

I texted her again later in the month asking for the information for the next game. She said it was at the nearby city. I offered we carpool and I was willing to give some money for gas or take her out to lunch. Long story short she said something to the effect she didn’t want me to go. I was very hurt. She seemed to think I was being clingy or whatever. In the past she would often invite me to the games and even make it seem I was expected to go to them. I even went to a game when the weather was really crappy.

Another thing she faulted me on was when I was paying her boyfriend a compliment. I said he was a saint for taking her in. I meant by it she finally seemed to find a decent guy.

Her ex husband I was told hit her when the two were married. I met the guy and he scares me. I fail to see what she saw in him and why they got married.

She did have another guy who she was going to marry after that. They broke up before the marriage was to happen.

Guess she took it as I was calling her a loser for needing help.

I think the whole thing about the coupon and the whole paying the guy she is living with a saint is really odd. Why would she be that upset? I thought she was going overboard.

This whole falling out happened the time when I decided to get help for my issues. I was very sick. I could hardly function. As I was driving to work (don’t tell my mom) I called her on my cell and told her I feel like we are having a problem and want to talk it out. She texted and said she was working. There was some interesting things she texted me that week. I thought at first she was in danger and that’s why she was upset (Even in my weaken state I was willing to help her). It turns out she was mad at me.

Fast forward to now: The last time she said anything in any form to me was September 30th. She went though whole month of October without talking to me. I miss her really bad.

When she had a falling out with her little sister she took the sister off her friends’ list on face book. She also took the sister’s wife off facebook too. She said the reason for taking the wife off was to send a message to her sister she was mad. She far as I know still gets along with the wife.

I would check facebook and see if she deleted me. She didn’t for awhile. I figured I still had hope for us getting back together. She deleted a few posts I put on her wall (but not all). I knew she hated it when people posted things on her wall. She then deleted her account. I am not sure why. I figured she was tired of having the account.

Now after this fall out I think what happened was there was a minor argument between the sister and her. Instead of taking responsibility for her actions my “friend” blamed the sister for the fight and told everyone including me that the little sister is a bitch. I am thinking the little sister was just telling her how things were and my “friend” wasn’t having it.

I found out after their fight the two do talk again after awhile of my “friend” refusing to talk. I am hoping that she is just giving me the silent treatment until she calms down.

Here it is Thanksgiving. I called her before today and left a message on her voicemail telling her I miss her, I hope to talk and have a great Thanksgiving. Of course there has been no answer.

I am living (but with my parents now until Saturday) on site of a rehab place (same company but different city) to deal with my problems with my TBI and other matters due to the crash.

One client at one time had aides who would fallow him around that worked for the same company as her. I did think about writing her a note and asking them to give it to her. I figured it would get us both in trouble and didn’t go through with it.

I am sure there are always to try to get word to her but I don’t go through with them. I don’t want to push her away by annoying her.

When we first met I saw some similarities between her and an ex friend I had in college. I was worried that this lady would do something like the ex friend did and I often debating not letting the company send her to my place. One reason I didn’t is I fainted one day before she came over (as an aide). I told her I fainted and she took very good care of me. Of course it was her job to do so. I guess it was wishful thinking that she wasn’t like my former friend in certain respects.

Now it’s almost my 30th birthday. I have no siblings. I am staying in a city pretty far from where I grew up. I am not really close to certain members of my family (I am usually on great terms with my parents). I have limited amounts of friends. I have pretty much no friends in the area where I am staying. Before the fight I had this wonderful idea that my parents would allow me to have her around as we celebrate my big 3-0.

My parents are now out $500 bucks. I did a lot for this lady out of the goodness out my heart in the name of friendship.

Yes I still care about her and her son. I am very hurt she did this to me. I would if nothing else would like her to calmly tell me why she did all this to me. Why all the anger? Is there more than what she said? Is she really in danger?

I figure I would just try to talk during the major holidays and her birthday and hopefully she will come around.

People who know of the fight (but may or may not know who this person is) tell me to stay away and move on. I want to move on but it’s hard when I am not sure if I got the whole story or not. I also hate losing friends. When you have very few you want to hang on to the ones you have.

I wish her all the happiness in the world (as long as it don’t come to harm of someone else). I really hope she is still going though with school. I think she could be a great hair stylist.

I of course hope she still loves me (friendship love) like she said she did. I still love her even though I am starting to think she is messed up in many ways.

What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 9:47pm

Home health care aides may not "move on". They are to go to each job site regardless if they feel needed or not. The treatment team (or as I like to call them the "dream team") often in my mind didn't really seem to understand what I need and not need. What they orginally were there to do they are not even allowed by the company to do (they were supposed to help clean the apartment). So, in a way they were stuck. Everyone needs money to pay for things they need. Would you turn down a few hours where you could just relax a bit and talk to someone?

Not to sound high on myself or anything but many of the aides liked me and liked working with me. Often I would turn on the tv and

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005

I am NOT obsessed with her. I was just confused in what is going on and needed some people on the outside looking in to give me their take on this matter. Do I miss her? Yes. Am I hurt she did all this to me? Yes. Do I think about her every waking moment? NO!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 4:15pm

A big red flag for me regarding your post is how this "friend" agreed with you

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 11:38am

I'm a very blunt person, and I'm going to be blunt with you...because I don't think you're understanding the potential problems you could be facing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 11-28-2011 - 10:31am
I will defend my reasoning for you to leave her alone...your health. Just like your health dictates you not argue here it's equally important in the case of your friend. If she isn't contacting you she isn't much of a friend. You've explained why you continue to try with her but I think it's other reasons. You need to search inside yourself and realize she isn't healthy for you to continue on this path.

Sometimes we have to cut our losses and move on.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sun, 11-27-2011 - 4:31pm

Hi CFK

Her son don't know how to contact me. I am in that grey area I think with him. Far as I know him and I always got along and he does seem to like me but we were never close.

I feel sorry for the kid. It must be hard with a mom who gets and loses a friend(s) all the time.

As for waiting for her I will give that a shot. Maybe if I stay quiet around Christmas (the next major holiday) she might calm down faster (if she is ever going to). I am sure she knows my number still.

As someone on my treatment team pointed out (they don't know who this mysterious person is I talk about) when she has another crisis she will find me. Though I love her and all that I think it's best to just let her vent on the phone or in person but not really do much else. She needs (and I don't mean any disrespect to her) to fail a few times and figure out it's time to be an adult and watch her money. Also if I just be a listening ear she will hopefully get the hint she can't order me about. If she wants love in return she has to give it to me (be polite to me).

On the other side of the coin I would never let her fall into danger without somehow helping. If she don't have a safe place to stay I will find a shelter for her to stay at. Up until now I would offer her a place at my apartment. If I keep helping her I will just be an enabler.

Even though I am hurt and so annoyed (and starting to wonder if she is a loser) I still would love it if she would just say hi or something. That is one thing I liked about our relationship. Just hearing her voice or seeing her smile made me feel good. In return I think she liked my kindness and at times I think she found me funny (she is funny at times too).

Here's hoping that she will calm down and at least allow me to come to her for hair matters. I am hoping we will be able to work things out and hopefully go back to being friends. Like I said I wonder if she is a loser but I do see some good in her. I don't think she is evil but the whole using people thing is pretty bad.

Best wishes,

Digi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sun, 11-27-2011 - 4:12pm

Hi Cat

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 11-27-2011 - 1:06pm
If her son contacts you, and invites you to a game, you could then perhaps give her a call and see if it's okay. Otherwise, I wouldn't be showing up to his games uninvited, or unannounced.

Once she graduates from cosmetology school, she will need to build up her clientele. Again, I would follow her lead. If she calls and expresses interest in doing your hair, go if you want...however, I would wait for her to make the first move.

As far as her parenting skills and her potential to screw up her life...that's all on her. If her son is in some kind of physical danger or is being neglected, it would be a different story. However, it seems to me that you simply have a different outlook on morality and child rearing which, is your prerogative but at the same time, it's her son, not yours.

It seems to me that the two of you must have been so close at one time, that she seemed like family to you. I can understand where you might feel it's your place to step in and try to guide this person in the right direction. However, it really isn't your responsibility. I would save the energy it would take to try and do so, and use it perhaps for the good of your community or church...perhaps you could form some new friendships in the process...good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Sun, 11-27-2011 - 10:01am
There's no fighting going on. But to be honest, I found one of your posts last night disturbing and said so, then edited it.

<< To those who said I should just leave her alone:

I don't really want to start a fight with you people. >>

I do wish the best for you, truly. And will continue to read your updates.

Bye.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sun, 11-27-2011 - 9:39am

To those who said I should just leave her alone:

I don't really want to start a fight with you people. I seem to get into huge fights on this server and I hate it. I am not a perfect person nor do I claim to be. I would never purposely do anything to this lady to make her upset even though I am starting to think she is a loser.

I am just trying to get along with her. I was there for her all this time and I think it's unfair she can't be a friend back (and it was her idea to be friends).

There were many times when she would call me for some favor or another and demand I come over and be with her because she was depressed and I still cared about her. I am not calling her every other day. I am not fallowing her son around. I am not doing anything much except:

1. Appoligizing for making her upset

2. Remembering her on major holidays (and her birthday)

I just want peace. I hate fights. I hate having people mad at me regardless if I respect them or not.

I really don't want to get into it with you guys on this board. Please don't think I am some devil child or anything. I can come off as annoying or whatever but as you can see I tried very hard to be nice to her.

I am trying to be nice to you guys as well.

As for rehab: I guess it's going well. Do you want me to post updates? I don't want to post them and get jumped all over. My health won't allow it.

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