Family conflict due to sister's wedding

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Family conflict due to sister's wedding
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 11:13pm
My name is Daisy and I am 35 yrs old, married with one child. I am the oldest of three sisters. My middle sister is also married with one child and my youngest sister is 26 and is getting married in three weeks. My sister is going to have a church wedding and has decided to have a reception for family members and closest friends. She handed out invitations for the religious ceremony but only invited family to the reception. We have family out of town (which are uncles with their respective families)who although we don't see each other often we do take the time to visit them once in a while to keep in touch. This family includes my father's brothers. My father is very close to his family. And there has never been any reason to distance ourselves from them. My sister decided not to invite them to the reception (although they were invited to the church ceremony) but she did invite our grandmother and an aunt who lives in N.Y (we live in P.R.)My father did not know of this until this past week when he realized that his family was not going to be invited to the reception and he is hurt and very upset at my sister. He has not confronted her with the issue because previously whenever he approaches her with a topic which upsets her, she snaps back at him and gets defensive and they end up not talking for a very long time (she has done this to me also). So he spoke to my mom to speak with her and told her that he was willing to pay for their food it that was the issue. My sister has told my mom that she will not invite them and that's her final decision. My father has mentioned that if that is the case , he will go to the reception and have pictures taken but he will not participate of the activity and leave. My sister knows nothing of this and we are trying to look for a way to avoid this. If my dad does this it will look very bad and on a day that is supposed to be special for my sister she will get hurt. This is the first time something like this happens in our family. My sister and I got married and we have always invited our uncles to our weddings. Although we don't see each other much but weddings in our family have been a way to get together and share. The only reason my sister gives for not inviting them is because she doesn't consider them close family members. On the other hand, the groom's whole family is invited to the reception including people who are not family members. So on the wedding, my sister is not having the whole family at the reception and my father feels that his family is not important enough to be at the wedding and doesn't want to be there. As the oldest daughter I am very close to my family and whenever something happens it affects me. My sister is going through alot right now and she knows that comments are being made about her and the wedding. She is normally a very happy person with a great big smile but lately I have noticed her distant, reserved and she hasn't talked much about her wedding to us. She has changed. She is very sentimental and sensitive. She tends to keep things bottled up and doesn't face the person directly whenever conflict arises but rather keeps things inside and then one day she explodes and ends up hurting other people's feelings (mainly out of anger). She is very impulsive though when angry and could be stubborn at time. I have always had a very close relationship with her but about three months ago we had a disagreement and she hasn't been the same.We do talk but our relationship has drastically changed. We never approached the topic about what happened so there are many things that are unsaid and we have them still inside. There have been disagreements with my other sister too. So their relationship is tense also. Because I know my youngest sister so well, I know that something is wrong. She acts like if nothing is wrong but down deep inside I know there is. She once made a comment to my mom that she expected her sisters to become more involved and excited with her wedding preparations and the fact is that she has not let us in on her plans. The groom's family has been more involved in the wedding plans than we have. They have helped out and I have to admit I am rather jealous because of this. I assume that she has been talking more with them about the wedding than us. My mom is totally upset about this whole situation and I don't know how to approach the matter because of my sister. I don't want my father to go to the reception and then just leave. They will all make us look bad and this will have a lasting effect on my sister's wedding day. On the other hand I want to get my sister to talk to me about her worries and concerns but am afraid that she might blow up in my face accusing me and I usually have a hard time handling situations like these. But I do believe that she needs to let out her feelings before the wedding. Any advice concerning this matter is deeply appreciated.