family Dilemma. Hurricane Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
family Dilemma. Hurricane Sandy
10
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 8:58am

I am here to get some sound advice or some suggestions..

When Hurricane Sandy hit our area we had to evacuate so I had to take my 89 year old mom and me to a hotel.. My sister stayed behind and wen to a friends. we all live together in one house.. I paid for the hotel for four days.. Now me and my mom are at a friends and she is declining fast. we have been here for two weeks and there is no heat or water or power at our primary house.. Now my sister has always had power of attorney of my mom and I have no paperwork nor no id for her and I dont even have Id for where i was living....

My main concern is that we are in a house with teenagers and if my mom dies here I just dont think that is right. My sister who also takes moms check is not sending me a penny for her meds or food and I dont have that kind of monye right now. I live on a very small fixed income and for me every penny counts as Suzie Orman says.. I can fill out the fema papers but that could take awhile and there are hundreds of thousands of people before me..My sister iskeeping my moms check and that isnt right when I need some money here..

I have no idea what to do?I told my sister to come here and we can take mom to rehab until this all blows over or whatever. she wont help at all and I have no  idea what to do. I am stuck with my mom all day and everyday and I have no respite and I am not in the great of health either..

what do I do??

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 2:39pm
This sounds more like a legal issue than a family matter. You need to look into legal avenues of compelling your sister to provide your mom's money for her care or to hand over her power of attorney to you since she is obviously not willing to take any responsibility in caring for your mother. Is it legal to take someone's social security money and use it for yourself, even if you have power of attorney? I don't know - these are questions for a lawyer. I know money is tight as it is but some lawyers do pro bono work. I'm sorry I can't be more help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 3:02pm

well if my sister doesnt  mail me some money then my mom goes without medication and has to eat whatever food is here. I filled out the disaster forms and lets see if she gets something.

My sis will def. not sign anything over and she keeps my mom's money to pay for her house and she might buy some food on occasion and pay for some ofmy moms stuff. Of course its never enough but now I am stuck holding the bad and I never signed up for this. It happened by default.

I know its a hard thing to figure out but thank you.. and I am hoping I can bring mom back soon but it doesnt look good.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 12:34am

How about calling the local Area Agency on Aging and asking if they can give you advice or direct you to someone who can. I'm sure its illegal for your sister to take your mom's check and not spend it on her, but of course that would need to be proven...but maybe if somebody "official" started asking your sister for documentation of how the money is spent, she would start doing the right thing? For the shorter term you need to find a calm comfortable place for your mom to stay until she can return to her previous home, or new arrangements can be made for her; maybe they can help you with that.

I'm so sorry that you and your mother are displaced. My dd lives in NYC and is in her apt, finally got electricity 9 days post-Sandy but is still without heat or hot water. Its very stressful for her and she is young and healthy, I can't imagine how hard it is for older people. I hope that you all can return home soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 8:08am

oh; thank you and that sounds like a good idea. I did find some phamplets in library about that..

I will def. check office of aging out today and see what they have.. the only darn thing is that my cell phone is out of service and I need to do a few errands and where I am I cant leave mom for more than an hour.. The peeps that live here work and go in and out and I cant expect them to babysit her.. I will try and do some by internet.. I am hoping that my sis can send some nurse here and give me some respite..

thannks again and I do hope we can return soon. Its been almost three weeks..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2011
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 1:58pm
Hey not sure if you re LI or NJ but yes you need to talk to a social worker and even to an elder lawyer now. ESp since it is Elder abuse to keep your mom's money. Also alot of nursing homes do provide respite care esp for alot of the displaced elderly. I know my facility has been doingit. It is a temporary solution but at least your mom will have heat and meals etc. Plus it gives you a break. Plus the SW there can help you with the monies involved. GL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 8:18am

here is an update and I am not happy about it. . My sis came to visit my mom (her cash cow) to make sure she was still alive.. Know why? so that she could hold onto her money.. I asked her for some money and I got nothing.. Not even 25.00 for her meds or food.. Now everyone is ganging up on me and saying that its my fault.. I knew that was going to happen. That I should be taking care of mom and paying for her.. I dont have that kind of money..So sis comes  here bosses us around and then leaves and leaves nothing.

Oh; and I filled out the fema papers for my mom and so did sister. I guess sis is going to keep that moneyalso..

Well? I told sis that all I wanted was 25.00 and she didnt give it to me.. she didnt even give me moms i.d. for fear that I might go to a social worker and place mom in a home temp.. I could go back to house and get moms stuff and i.d....and then go to a nursing home and see if they keep her for a few weeks. she is declining fast and cant walk and cant do much..and she needs more care.

thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 8:20am

oh; forgot to mention I am on Long Island..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 11:41am

then go to the office of aging tell them what is happening. They can hook you up plus you can go to a lawyer. It isn't your fault. But you need to protect your mother and u. But is should not be about the FEMA t is about elder abuse. Go to the DA if you need to either in Suffolk or Nassau counties. I am on    LI too. And I know that you can ask for an investigation of your mon's monies. I think all you might need to know is her SS number and the rest can fall into place. It is your mom's money. And alot of nursing homes can go up in their census because of the state of emergency, I know mine did. And many facilities do respite care I would adcise you do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 12:25pm

thank you and that is the best advice so far..

I will def. go to office of aging and explain the dilemma. I have also sent another note to sis and she says she is trying to get me some respite here .. and all I wanted was a m easly 25.00 for mom for some food and some protein drink.. she doesnt answere me.

I could have left my mom in a shelter back home but I took her with me when we were evacuated.. I paid 400 for the hotel and I am not complaining but sis gave nothing towards it.. I told her I will be needing some of that fema money for the expenses I incurred. I hate to make this petty about money but we all would be dead if I didnt act fast while sis worried about her stupid dog...

thanks for letting me vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 3:25pm

ha . I told sis I was taking mom to a nursing home and taking control. It wasnt a threat as i was going to do it.. so in turn she says she is sending me some money and some help.. where I am..

I guess she cant lost mom's money or she cant pay for her house.

I felt empowered today and I posted an ad for an apt. also..and sent out some resumes. I am going to get out of this family drama.

lets see what happens now?