Family disowned me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Family disowned me
7
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 1:35pm
I recently told my Family that I am living with a man. The problem they have with this is that he is Black and I'm white. Not only that I told them I was pregnant which I was until recently (I lost my baby at 5 months). I have not received any phone calls from any of my 3 brothers or my father. Actually my father yelled at me (I'm 31 years old and have been supporting myself since 18) so I hung up on him. I'm not a child. I know what I'm doing with my life. None of them know that I lost my baby. I'm not calling any of them because I feel that I have done nothing wrong.

I love my boyfriend and know that he loves me. We will try to have another baby as soon as we can.

Is there anyone else who's been through a similar situation, if so how did you deal with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 4:18pm
Im so sorry about the loss of your baby. It sounds though that you are probably better off being disowned than with a family that cant see through their prejudices enough to comfort you when you need them.

Im the black sheep in my family for many reasons but I remember when my one aunt called my uncle (her brother) and told him Brenda is dating a foreigner. I mean DH is a German for goodness sake. Its not like my uncle was sympathetic to her because his wife is German and he has lived in Berlin for the last 40 years. Im sure my aunt would have had a heart attack if he was black or blue or green or had jaundice and was yellow.

I say you are an adult. You love him, he loves you. You want to have a child/children together. Go for it. Form your own family, one that is accepting of others regardless of skin color. Keep your family informed and maybe one day they will come to their senses and see that they are missing out on you and your wonderful family.

I wish you all the best! (((hugs)))

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:13pm
I absolutely cannot stand it when parents disown their own children. It's all about power, witholding love to get their adult children to do what they want them to.

Families are supposed to love each other, support each other, and help each other.

I've never been through what you are going through, but it does sound like you are better off without your relatives. They are controlling, manipulative, and racist. That looks like 3 strikes to me.

It looks like you are one of the many unfortunate people who were born with bad relatives. You are definitely in good company though because there are a lot of people with bad relatives. The good news is that family doesn't have to be just people you are related to. Family is where you find it - friends, relatives, coworkers, neighbors, people at church, or wherever.

So I say, do what you know is right, live your life the best you can, and to heck with bigotted, judgemental people - relatives or otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:40pm
What about when children disown their parents? Our 20-year old daughter has had nothing to do with our family because we would not let her have her way when she was a teenager. It has broken our hearts. I think its a two-way street.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 6:05pm
I agree, it is a 2 way street. If your daughter has disowned you, then there isn't much you can do about it. It's awfule and sad, but the fact is that you can't make someone want to see you. And, if someone is selfish, mean, and or judgemental enough to disown their family, then maybe it's a blessing is disguise because you wont have to deal with that person and his or her negativity, controlling behavior or whatever anymore.

Of course if there is a real reason for someone to cut off all contact - like they were horribly abused as children and their parents aren't people they choose to have in their lives - then it's a different situation.

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:49pm
I just helped my parents with their wills. There are four grandchildren. My mom have told the kids many times: that if they disobey her they will not be included in their wills. One have gone out w/an abusive boyfriend (she's a handicapped, he is also) but he's a controling jerk and much older than her. They won't talk to her, or let her in their house. In other words, she's just not welcome there IF she brings him. She loves him very much, but she can't have it both ways. Either him or her grandparents. She choose him. The youngest have done so many reasons for her to be not included in their wills. But, she wrote them an apology letter, and promised to straighten her life. She may have a chance yet.

So, I can see that your parents are prejudiced. You have to make a choice also. To be w/him, and live happily ever after, or compromise with your parents and go by their rules.

Give them time, maybe they will turn around and accept what lifestyle/family you end up, if they knew YOU'RE TRULY VERY HAPPY. I'm sorry, but they're hurting as much as you. Sometimes it's hard to see it their way. When you become a mother with teenagers, you'll understand why they act the way they do. It's called TOUGH LOVE.

P.S. My parents weren't going to allow me to get married to someone who is white. I'm Asian. I was also too young to get married (21), but for 25yrs. I've done nothing but prove them WRONG. They're glad now that I did.

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:55pm
Dreamweaver, how true! My older sister have disowned my parents TOO MANY TIMES, prancing and having tantrums, just becuase my parents wouldn't do it HER WAY. She's again disowned them, as I type, for 300th times. Because of this, my parents decided to give her shares divided equally amongst her 3 (not four) children. Those kids better watch out, because they make one wrong move and they will all end up to my 2kids. (P.S. my kids aren't mentioned in their wills, because I already get 1/2 of pie.) It is a power struggle, really.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 9:57am
I agree with all the postings. In my opinion, when I have kids I will stand by them no matter what they do, unconditional love is what ppl are supposed to have for their children. Putting up barriers like you cannot bring home your boyfriend because we don't approve is not right.

In a case that the guy is abusing her, well one day she will realize and then what? She'll need her family for support. I kind of understand in a way because I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship and sometimes I lose patience with her cause I see what she goes through but I'm there for her when she needs me. I'll stand by her. Unfortunately most ppl don't care enough.