A family divided

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
A family divided
51
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 4:55pm

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 7:02pm

Just wondering...did you ever spend the holidays with your relatives when your girls were growing up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 8:31pm

JMHO I think you need to email this to your children:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 9:04pm

I agree that you need to let your kids know how you feel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 10:18pm

I am the adult child of divorce. So this hit a nerve for me. I always felt like I was put in the middle. Like, no matter what I did, I was going to hurt someone's feelings(even though they never pressured me).

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 9:57am
I'm not divorced but I can tell you that kids today aren't as "thoughtful" perhaps as we were. They are more interested in doing what makes them happiest even if it hurts Mom. Did your kids support you during your divorce or were they more on their Father's side. You said he wanted to end the marriage but kids have their own perspective on what they think happened.

My Mom remarried 18 mths after my Dad died & I have never in 36 yrs like my stepfather. I did do some holidays with them including one with his ex wife & kids but much more enjoyed the ones spent with my own immediate family. Too much tension in a situation where my stepfather really didn't like me & my Mom was split trying to please him but include me. Too uncomfortable.

Maybe that is what your kids feel at your place? Did your ex re-marry? If not, then they are likely more comfortable in holidays spent as they had been when they were growing up.

I would suggest that you try to talk with them without anger or guilt to let them know it hurts you to be alone for the holidays. Perhaps as others have suggested, you might try a different time. I'm not having Xmas on Xmas Day anymore as my DD wants it in her own home with their son. Don't like this & it hurts my feelings even though I'm attending. So starting this year we are picking a different day for my celebration. We need to be flexible.

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 2:06pm

To answer your questions...no, we did not spend holidays with my family as they were too far away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 2:34pm

Yeah... I think with 4 kids, over 5 years, one of them could have spent a holiday with you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 2:43pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 2:52pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 3:14pm
I guess the whole tone of your post to me sounds sort of whiny!!! You got divorced from your ex-husband! Its not the kids fault. They are caught in the middle of the whole thing. No matter what they choose to do on the holidays...someone's getting hurt!!! You or their father?!

Do you realize how hard that is for us kids?? No matter what our age!! We don't like to have to choose between our parents... We don't want to it to appear that there's more love for one than the other...

BUT IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. You want them to be mad at their dad and side with you....but this divorce is between you & him.....and has nothing to do with them!!!

I guess my point is that you've got to change your focus. Right now you sound very upset with your kids....but you have to understand that this is new & confusing for them too!! Maybe you could come up with something new that you & your girls & your new dh & his kids could do together!! Start a new family tradition!!! Like a weekend away or something else that you all really enjoy....around the holidays!!!

I'm sorry I don't mean to be harsh...but you gotta realize that they're just trying to figure this whole divorce thing out too!! Could they be a little more understanding? YES, but you raised them..........

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