Family Fighting and Gossiping

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Family Fighting and Gossiping
16
Sun, 12-19-2010 - 10:18pm

It's been awhile since I've been in here but like the new format! Anyway, I need advice again........

Our family is going through something right now and I can't figure out a way to fix it. There is no way to fix it as far as I can tell.

The problem is that my DH and I disagree with his family on a certain immoral topic. They don't see it as immoral. We do. I think that's what's at the heart of the family's trouble right now. But then there's all the extra crap that goes on around it - the gossiping and saying things like: You don't love your brother or sister - you hate them; You're lazy; Your car is in the way of mom and dad's driveway; You have junky cars; Your cat is a nuisance; Your wife wrecked my pan; Your wife is snotty to my kids; You pick on your brother and sister....and on and on. Pretty petty right? But then when the fights start up and it goes on for awhile this immoral topic rears its ugly head and that's why I believe that that is the root of our family trouble. We try to forgive and forget when mean things are said about us and we really do have some pleasant family moments with everyone but then the SIL or BIL (usu. SIL) ruins it with a snarky comment or a whispered comment to MIL who btw doesn't stop it but lets it continue.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 12-19-2010 - 11:19pm

I decided a long time ago that if a member of my family weren't related to me and I wouldn't be friends with them why should blood make me want to be around them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sun, 12-19-2010 - 11:48pm

It is time to move.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 11:34am

DH has spoken to them about it. When he overhears them whispering about him or us he confronts it. He's doing all that he can. If he speaks to MIL about the snarky stuff she just deflects him with "don't pick on your siser don't pick on your brother" etc. ad nauseum. And it is an issue that we can agree to disagree with at least from our point of view - but they're not budging. It's their way or no way. MIL has threatened to kick us out on several occasions. Why are we there? We had and are still having some hard times financially. Thanks for your comments they helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 11:36am

I agree. We had an opportunity last year and again this past March. We didn't take it because DH refused. I'm still considering it though. My sister has offered to help us. Thanks for your comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 1:22pm

I'm afraid moving is the only answer to this problem. Perhaps you should print out this thread and show it to your DH. It seems that his family can't get past the issue that you disagree on, because they are resentful and every argument goes right back to the issue. It is time to move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 4:13pm

What keeps you from moving right now? Is your husband willing? If not, then I would take the high road when the gossiping starts. Find somewhere else to be. Don't participate, don't confront, don't fight. Just make yourself absent, and that means mentally and emotionally when you can't leave physically. When SIL makes snarky comments, don't respond or respond nicely. People who start these things want the arguments and negativity...don't give it to her. Let her go somewhere else for it.

I don't think you have anything to lose by doing that. What you are doing right now isn't working, so try something new and see if that changes the dynamics between you all somewhat.

http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 5:05pm

Thank you. Yes, you're right. I do try to not hear them and I do make myself absent but then I hear about them and I just think this isn't going to change. I don't get why she or they can't just like us again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2008
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 5:06pm

Yes, thank you. We need to move on. DH isn't willing to move just yet. I may have to push this one. Hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 10:05pm

Couldn't you all just not talk about the immoral topic? If you have to stay there, you'll have to figure out a way to keep the peace.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 11:25pm
Have you been living with your IL's for 7 years?

I'd surely put my foot down and leave with DH or without.

 

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