Family member on non-speaking terms

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Family member on non-speaking terms
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 8:29pm
I have a brother who won't speak to me or my spouse for 2 years now. It's basically because we are 2 different people & he can only see things from his view.He can't really give anyone a good reason why he is not talking to us. Christmas is usually at his house. Last year my husband, children & I opted to go to the other spouses family Christmas get-together to avoid the situation and the rest of the family still went to my brother's house. This year my mom & dad and other family is trying to decide now what to do. The brother is too stubborn to make amends, even at the request of the parents. The rest of the family realizes it is unfair & unfortable for my husband, children & myself to go to the brother's house. Christmas at the parent's house or other mutual relative is tight for room, but a possibility. We also normally draw names for each other and gift giving seems awkward between us now, too. I have some relatives that think maybe we should leave my brother out of Christmas to force him to realize he needs to grow up and get over whatever it is that bothers him. Others think we should draw names, but make it so we don't draw each other's name & still go to a different house for Christmas. We don't want to keep opting out of Christmas with my family. Any ideas??
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 10:06am

You brother is the one with a problem, let him keep it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 10:19am
One idea is to just bite the bullet and apologize to your brother. Just make it a generic apology (and tell the rest of the family you are doing it solely for family peace). I don't know if you want to, or if you just don't want to do it (which it fine), but it is an idea. Then, you can at least be civil to each other at gatherings. I am not sure I would take this option myself, but you may be a bigger person than I am. LOL

Another idea is to tell everyone that you are going to the party at your brother's house. Make sure your mom (or someone) tells your brother that you are coming well in advance (real soon), then, he can either say "NO" or "YES" and you put the onus on him. If he says no, then have the party at another house. Then everyone will know that you are the big one. If he says yes, then just be civil to him and enjoy the rest of your family.

If neither of those work, then I would just hold it at another house. It is silly for you to miss this family time.

Good luck!

Ejkdmom Come visit my store:
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 4:04pm
I really don't have anything to apologize for. My brother is upset with me because I talked with my husband during one of their fishing outings (my husband called me). He thinks wives are budding in if they want to spend time with the family (he has never been married or had a steady girlfriend to come home to.) He also thinks I was budding in when I passed on a request from a family member for him to help them with something and he said to mind my own business. On top of that he told my mom that he thinks my friends are weird because they drink wine and dress fancy. In otherwords, they are not his kind of friends (why should he care anyway????) He has really hurt my feelings by going behind my back and telling my mom & dad what it is he doesn't like about me. I don't think he would care if I came to his house for Christmas, he just won't talk to me or my husband once I get there. He did this 2 Christmas's ago. I just don't feel that I should have to spend my Christmas at his house if he has to be so rude. I guess the best solution is to have it at another house and pretend it doesn't bother me. I was hoping there would be some good ideas from other people that would force my brother to see that he is making a mess for all of the other family members involved. I don't suppose he will change though and he has actually done this to at least 4 other couples that were his past friends. I guess it is just our turn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 7:48pm
I just read your last post. Why does your brother need to apologize? It is a free country to complain to your own parents about anything. I complain to my mom about my sister. My sister never expects me to apologize. I honestly don't care what my sister says behind my back as long as she doesn't say it to my face.

It sounds like your brother has some much bigger problems than just being stubborn. Is there a reason why he acts negatively towards couples other than the reason you provided? (He has never been in one, so he doesn't know what its like?) I wonder if you can discuss this with a mutual family member.

Honestly, go to the Christmas party and don't let him know that his behaviour bothers you. In fact be overly sweet with everyone. This will really eat him alive, and just might get him to change a little bit. It sounds juvenile, but it might work.

good luck

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 9:13pm
Maybe he decided it's time to put an end to the family arguments / dysfunctional (whatever he calls it) and leave everyone alone because he's getting tired of it all. Like he wants some SPACE.

Another reason: he's waiting for someone to apologize to him for whatever reasons, that have gone wrong! Because they didn't see it HIS WAY.