Father wont go to wedding...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Father wont go to wedding...
5
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:54am
Im new to this board, i became engaged in April of 2003.....we were going to get married on July 12, 2003, but my father felt that wasnt long enough to be engaged, so we changed the date, and he allowed us to move-in together in May 2003, and of course he had a ploy to this, his thinking was that we would have so many disagreements living together that we would call the whole thing off, which has pushed us that much closer together, and makes us that much more eager to get married.

we changed it to April 3, 2004, so we would be engaged a full year, trying to please him once again......yet he is still insisting that he will have nothing to do with my wedding, financially, nor will he attend my wedding, so i get to walk myself down the isle in front of everyone, who's going to look like an ass here?

a few friends came to my house the other day, we live next door to my parents, and i keep my dress at their house in a spare room so that fiance wont be tempted to search it out and look at it, well i took them over to my parents house to look at the dress, my father didnt knowit was there yet, he followed us to the back room, (being nosey i guess) when he saw the dress he was like "what's that"..."my wedding dress" "what for, who's going to be there?"....in other words, he disrespected me in front of my friends, saying he's not going to my wedding, without actually using the words...............my best friend stayed there an hour after i left talking to him, when she came to my house she was in tears, he didnt say anything harsh to her, but she and I are so close, we grew up together, that it really hurt to hear the words come from his mouth, he told her the same thing that i had been telling her the whole time, she just said it sounded different coming from his mouth.

i really dont know what to do, worse yet, i work with him everyday, so even after my wedding and my honeymoon, im going to have to come back to work and face him every day, or should i say he's going to have to face me everyday knowing he didnt go to my wedding, and the rest of my working days will be awkward.......................i am his only child, i thought he would be happy that i finally found someone that makes me happy....but of course not..........he made it clear to my mom that there is nothing i can do to make him come to my wedding, so i give up, i dont even talk about it around him, because im tired of the sarcastic remarks, sick of him telling me that im being stupid, and ruining my life.

sorry that this post is so long, i have actually cried myself to sleep over this, and fiance gets mad that he is doing this to me, i guess i just need to pretend around fiance that it doesnt bother me anymore, so that it wont cause him to have a bad relationship with my father, i just dont understand why my father is being like this, he acts all friendly towards fiance to his face, especially when fiance is helping him work around the house, but the minute he is away from him, my father always has something negative to say, my fiance has tried so many ways to make my dad like him, but finally we gave up.

im just at a loss, dont know what to do anymore..........sorry to bug you guys with this, but just had to get it out.

tracey

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 11:26am
Hi Tracey,

Sorry to hear about your dad. My father is the same way. He has some emotional issues and refused to come to my recent wedding. And believe me, it *was* humiliating. My IL's of course had to have something to say about "where is your father?" "Why isn't your father going?" THEN to make matters worse, my father's entire side of the family didn't go either. I realized early on that my father's past attitude may present a problem and it certainly did. So then after he left nasty and humiliating messages on my answering machine, for my fiance to hear, I decided that he really wasn't worthy of taking part in my special day. How did I explain my father's absence to people? I didn't. I felt it was none of their business. I deal with my father when my husband isn't around, same with all my toxic family. I have had more men run from me because of my toxic family and I wasn't going to let it happen again. Realizing that sometimes adult children have to take the parental role, it was getting easier for me. I asked my stepfather to give me away and completely ignored my father's childish behavior. If I didn't have a stepfather, I would have asked my cousin or uncle.

What concerns me is that you say in your post that your father "let you move in together". Somehow I see your father as trying to control your life. Your problems may run far deeper than your father just not wanting to go to your wedding. Is there counseling you could go to, or talke to a minister, rabbi, etc? I wouldn't try to fight with him or feed his fire, but try to get help for him somehow, so he doesn't affect your marriage.

Good luck! I know exactly what you're going thru.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 12:27pm
Tracey,

Is there any logical reasons why your father is behaving this way. Is there something about your fiance he doesn't like (past history, age, race?) Is he just a disagreeable person?

I have a sister who doesn't like my boyfriend because of his race and age. He is the wrong "white" and four years younger. I try to not let it affect me. I hang up on her or don't respond whenever she says something wrong, she knows she can't get to me anymore, so she doesn't say anything. I suggest dropping the subject with your father altogether. Do not live near them either! It will make you go insane. Plan your wedding for yourself, not for him. Make a date and stick to it! Have your mother give you away.

Take Care,

Danielle

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 4:19pm
I think you need to cut the apron strings here. Your dad has way too much control over your life. I mean, he "let" you move in with your fiance? You are a grown woman - how does your father have control over where you live? When my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved in together, I called my dad and told him. Period.

If you think marrying your fiance is the right thing for you, then do it. If your dad doesn't want to have anything to do with the wedding, then just go on with your plans and don't try to include him. Just do your thing. You are a grown woman, you can walk yourself down the aisle. Make a stand right here and now that you are not a child.

As for going back to work after the honeymoon, go back to work like you would after any vacation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 8:58am
I know he is ur dad and u love him. But u cant let him run things forever. I think u owe it to yourself and ur DF to kinda break away from your dad because he is making u so unhappy. It sounds like u do alot of things trying to make your Dad happy and it just doesnt work, maybe he's the type who will never be happy or satisfied w/ anything u do. I believe if u are an adult then ur dad should have NO say in when u get married or when u move in w/ ur DF. In your post u said "he allowed us to move-in together in May 2003" and to me that's a big red flag that ur letting him run ur life. I am sorry if I am wrong about that but thats what it sounded like to me. Same w/ him not agreeing w/ ur engagement/wedding dates. If he is serious about not going to ur wedding then I think it would be lovely to have ur mother or a close male friend or family member walk u down the aisle. I think someday ur dad will probably come to see what a jerk he had been even if he never admits it. I also would consider trying to find a diff. job and MOVE somewhere else so u dont live next door anymore...it might make it easier to break out of his controlling ways and mean comments if u were across town or even further and not working together. I hate to say this but as long as u r right under his nose ur life can't really change like it sounds like u want it to change. I can only imagine the crazy amt. of stress u go thru DAILY and u can't do that to yourself. I can somewhat understand maybe for some reason ??? ur DF is not what ur dad pictured for u, but that is his prob because ur an adult now and made ur choice to be with DF. Good luck with this, I am worried about u! Hugs, Rhiannon

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 12:05am
The others are right. You shouldn't be asking permission from your father to do anything. You should make your plans and "tell" him what you are doing. Unfortunately, it sounds a bit like you have let him rule your life up to now and it may be difficult to cut the apron strings, but believe me, things will be better once you do.

I bet that once your father sees that he cannot control when or who or how you get married, he will back right down. He is trying to manipulate you. Don't let him. If he doesn't back down then to heck with him - get someone else to walk you down the aisle.

Its your life not your father's. Don't argue with him. Just tell him what you are doing and if he argues, change the subject. I used to fight with my Mom all the time until I realized that they were pointless arguments and so I quit arguing. Its pretty hard to argue by yourself.