Father's Day Dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Father's Day Dilemma
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 8:10pm
Hey! First off I wanna thank everybody who responded to my q below about being too old (or not too old) to live with my parents. That made me feel alot better! Now there is a new issue and I want opinions please, if you have time. It's about this coming Sunday, Father's Day. I love my stepdad and think of him as my dad (and his daughter as my sister etc), I've always called him "Dad" etc...he has been in my life since I was 6, married to my mom since I was 7. My real dad died when I was little in an accident. So make no mistake I really love my stepdad/Dad he is a GREAT guy always there for me, etc. He is also a truck driver, and is gone for long stretches of time. Usually he is on the road 3 weeks out of the month. Right now he is home for 2 weeks which is rare. He got home yesterday and is leaving out again in 2 wks. Well, also I have some friends who go to college about 4 hours away and I don't see them very often (because of distance) and this coming Sunday, Father's Day they are having a huge BBQ at a lake which is 1 hour away. I really want to go and be with them. My mom, sis, and I were discussing Father's Day on Friday and decided we would do a brunch "party" for Dad. I made plans to leave around 1 and spend the rest of the day w/ friends. Now my mom says she wants to do the Father's day thing at 6 pm. She says I "don't have to be there but she wishes I would be" and it's totally passive aggressive the way shes acting. Dad says he doesnt care and I should go have fun, I get to hang with him ALL WEEK anyway. WHat should I DO?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 11:41pm
Since your father is OK with you going to spend the day with your friends, then why not go? But to let him know how much you care, how about you taking him out the night before for a movie, or bowling, or whatever turns his crank... spend a little one-on-one time with him. Bake him a cake or a bunch of cookies. Wash his car for him. Clean out the garage for him. You get the idea... You might not be present for the brunch, but you can still make the day special and show him how much you love him. Then give him a big kiss and a hug before you run off to your friends'.

In my experience, most men don't put a lot of importance on a certain date on the calendar (why they forget anniversaries, birthdays, valentines day, etc.) They show their love and appreciation throughout the year and don't think it should be reserved for only one day set aside for that purpose. Is your Dad like this? That might explain why your Mom thinks you should be there for the brunch, but your Dad doesn't care.

To smooth things over with Mom, help her with the preparations by doing a little of the cooking ahead of time, cleaning up, setting the table, or whatever you think she would appreciate.

Hope it all works out for you and you BOTH have a great time!



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 11:24am
I hope what I say to you will be taken in the proper context and not as an attack on your character. He is your father! Whether a biological father or step-father, he has been there for you always. Sunday is Father's Day. It only comes once a year. It does not matter how much time you spend with him up till that day, Sunday is his day. I know you miss your friends and want to be with them but family is more important than you enjoying a few hours with your friends. Are they just going to be here for that day???? If so, go to the lake at 1:00 p.m. but be home by 6:00 p.m. to be with your family. I am afraid that young people your age seem to not think that family is that important and they take on an attitude that they don't need their family or that they are controlling. You owe this man your respect and love and to be with him on Father's Day. There, that was my Two-Cent's worth. By the way, the reason I feel so strongly about this is because I have two children 21 and 19 who think being with their friends is more important than spending a little time with their father. One day these men will not be here and believe me, you will have regrets about the times you "could have, or should have" spent with them. Take it from one who knows. Please let us know who you work this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 4:05pm
I totally understand the conflict. It is really a tough call. On one hand it's just a day and your father knows how you feel about him and men usually don't put so much pressure on just a day they look at the whole picture. On the other hand if your having this much conflict about it than you feel guilty for even thinking about not being around. Best case scenario is to do both. If your friends are BBQ'ing at 1pm go there first and leave by 4:30pm so you will get back a little before dinner and get to do both. If you have been spending time with him over the past week than a few hours will seem less important but, you are still available for "family time" and both you and he will appreciate the effort and time you have together.
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:42am
I read the other posts and you have a great idea to do both. But to me it seems that maybe your mother changed the time just to have to choose. Was there a another reason for the change in time.

I personally believe that it is a day about you and your father, not your mothers or your sister. Why not stick to the plan. Have a brunch with your dad and then leave for a day with your friends. You can either make brunch and find a spot just for you and dad or you could take him out. Time spent with just the two of you will help to strengthen your personally bond not just the family bond. It also helps your family see that you are getting older and you ar in charge of your own time.

I wonder about all your friends. Are they seeing they fathers? It seems an usual time for a BBQ that is not for family.

Have a great day,


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 11:25pm
Thank you everyone who responded! I appreciate your input on this, I talked to my stepdad and my mom about it at the same time and my mom acted totally different, and I honestly don't know if she was "putting on" or what but she claimed she didn't understand that these certain friends I don't often see were going to be at the BBQ and she said she thought it was just with my friends I see ALL of the time. So anyway, she switched it to a brunch again, yay! SO there is no prob! :-) I always make stuff out to be a bigger deal than it is, I guess, that's what they say and I have to admit it's probably true, I can be oversensitive a lot! As for my friends, 2 of them haven't really had their dads around or involved in their lives, another 1 her dad lives in CA (we live in MO) so she can't be with him for Father's Day anyway. The other one, I guess just doesn't care :-( Anyway thanks again! Rhiannon